Tell her to tell them the bill will be in the email for her services.
You think your daughter may not be listening to you now, but she’ll become fed up at some point being an on call indentured servant. Keep telling her this arrangement is strange and outrageous until it ceases.
She should provide them with a contract. Detail what she expects to get paid. And if she currently has a job working independently may jeopardize her current job. If she works for an agency, most agencies do not permit their employees to work privately. If she works at a facility taking time off to work for someone else may have to take vacation days to work for her boyfriends family. This leaves her with no time off and that leads to burnout. If she is working privately for boyfriends family they should cover her insurance if she is not covered by her employer if she is working on the “side”. Also, working privately she may have to wait for negative COVID-19 results before she can return to work. And would have to quarantine in the interim I think the family is trying to take advantage of her. Would they expect the same thing if she was not a CNA.
Your response really makes me see how it's "Joko98's" daughter who will get the shortest end of this stick - she has to do all that you mentioned above and she has to take the COVID tests as well as being the one who suffers from "burnout." She may want to get "out" before she gets "burned."
"Would they expect the same thing if she was not a CNA?" - excellent question!
Judging from your responses it appears your daughter has reservations about what her boyfriends family is asking her to do. If she is feeling used that does not bode well. I hope she is able to muster the strength to set some clear boundaries and to expect support from her boyfriend.
On a more personal note, I have three adult sons and in a million years I would not impose in that way on their partners/girlfriends, nor would any of my sons tolerate such expectations. They respect the women they are with and so do I.
Sounds like your daughter has a kind heart and pitched in when needed. Unfortunately, some people take kindness for weakness.
I am sorry that her boyfriend’s family is trying to take advantage of her kindness. By the way, what does the boyfriend think of this? Why doesn’t he tell his family that she isn’t responsible for granny’s care?
Your daughter is learning more about her boyfriend’s family and isn’t too happy with their expectations.
Her first priority is to herself. She is smart to attend college to prepare for her future.
Many times I wondered if my kids heard what I was telling them. They were listening and heard every word.
Keep the lines of communication open for your daughter to discuss her concerns.
They are 24 and 32 and still remind me of things that I said.
We teach our kids to be polite, kind and helpful.
It’s equally as important to teach them to stand up for themselves and important principles in life.
My daughters are polite, kind and helpful and often thank me for raising them to care about humanity.
They also make me giggle when they tell me that they got their sass from me! LOL
See this as an opportunity for your daughter to learn how to stand up for herself.
I have a lot of faith in the younger generation. I am often inspired by their outlook on life.
They are super smart. They grew up in a world that was never without technology.
They are not intimidated easily and are extremely creative.
They reach out to one another. It’s quite different from past generations.
She’s a wonderful, responsible and respectful youn lady. She really cares for this young man and would like to speak with all of them as adults... To act communicate her feelings. She’s dat the son. Not to be a caretaker for grandma. Crossing the line....
Thanks for the extra information, Joko. Support your daughter. I wish the son would stand up to the parents and tell them not to enlist the help of his girlfriend, who may feel obligated by her love for him. If he cannot do that, then this is a poor choice for hubby material, because if he is OK with this now he may want her to do it even more. Encourage her in her career so she will be independent and able to make decisions for herself lifelong, and encourage her to stand up for herself; if a boyfriend won't support her before marriage, he is unlikely to if the were to marry.
Joko, Your daughter’s hunch is spot on. They are using her. The job she has doesn’t matter. It’s an excuse for the family to get a free break from caring for grandma.
What would happen if she politely said she couldn’t do this anymore? It may provide an invaluable glimpse into her future with this family. If they or her new boyfriend become passive aggressive with her or downright mean, the future doesn’t sound great. There are plenty of other fish in the sea.
They can 'expect' anything they want. It's up to your daughter to agree or disagree with their expectations of her!
If this were my daughter, I'd advise her to run for the hills as fast as her legs would carry her. But my daughter is famous for NOT listening to me, so...........LOL.
Also, what are the boyfriend's 'expectations' in regard to caring for his grandmother? Does HE agree with his family that it should be his girlfriend's 'job' to care for her, and if so, should she get paid?
This is an important question, really, b/c it determines HIS level of character and whether he will stand up for her or not. And if he can stand up to his family about what HE wants for himself and his future romantic relationships. Is he a mama's boy or a real man? Lots of questions for you to present to HER to think about.
Another option is for her to tell them to get notebooks and she'll explain to them how they can care for their relative.
We see this kind of question and potential Cinderella arrangement periodically. I always wonder how someone has the gall to expect a potential mate for one of the family to sacrifice her time to care for someone, w/o pay.
No way should she allow herself to be manipulated!
Keep in mind that in some cultures there has been, even still is, the tradition that the oldest son acquires a wife who is to care for his parents. I've heard that many Japanese men are considered unmarriageable by young Japanese women and therefore go ahead and get mail-order brides from the Philippines and Southeast Asia.
I met a man training to be a CNA. He was already trained overseas but required retaining in English. A friend (his culture) asked if he could attend a family gathering to help his 90+ Grandfather (usually resided in a NH, little English, in a wheelchair, eating & bathroom duties required). The family felt if would be nicer for Grandfather to have regular help on the day rather than untrained relatives taking turns.
He was offered a substantial hourly rate, given the chance to meet his client beforehand, phone numbers for which people to contact immediately with any concern (who would be at the function also).
He accepted & started a wonderful (professional) relationship with this family.
The differences were that family had very clear expectations about this being a *professional* position.
It was, I think a good learning opportunity for the OP's daughter about *conflict of interest*, *duty of care* & *professional boundaries*. All of which I'm sure as a CNA come up.
I wonder if the boyfriend's family would still have asked her if she had been a hairdresser or teacher... or an IT cyber security specialist... because she was a GIRL.
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You think your daughter may not be listening to you now, but she’ll become fed up at some point being an on call indentured servant. Keep telling her this arrangement is strange and outrageous until it ceases.
Good luck!
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If she works for an agency, most agencies do not permit their employees to work privately.
If she works at a facility taking time off to work for someone else may have to take vacation days to work for her boyfriends family. This leaves her with no time off and that leads to burnout.
If she is working privately for boyfriends family they should cover her insurance if she is not covered by her employer if she is working on the “side”.
Also, working privately she may have to wait for negative COVID-19 results before she can return to work. And would have to quarantine in the interim
I think the family is trying to take advantage of her. Would they expect the same thing if she was not a CNA.
Your response really makes me see how it's "Joko98's" daughter who will get the shortest end of this stick - she has to do all that you mentioned above and she has to take the COVID tests as well as being the one who suffers from "burnout." She may want to get "out" before she gets "burned."
"Would they expect the same thing if she was not a CNA?" - excellent question!
On a more personal note, I have three adult sons and in a million years I would not impose in that way on their partners/girlfriends, nor would any of my sons tolerate such expectations. They respect the women they are with and so do I.
Thanks for your response to my inquiries.
Sounds like your daughter has a kind heart and pitched in when needed. Unfortunately, some people take kindness for weakness.
I am sorry that her boyfriend’s family is trying to take advantage of her kindness. By the way, what does the boyfriend think of this? Why doesn’t he tell his family that she isn’t responsible for granny’s care?
Your daughter is learning more about her boyfriend’s family and isn’t too happy with their expectations.
Her first priority is to herself. She is smart to attend college to prepare for her future.
Many times I wondered if my kids heard what I was telling them. They were listening and heard every word.
Keep the lines of communication open for your daughter to discuss her concerns.
They are 24 and 32 and still remind me of things that I said.
We teach our kids to be polite, kind and helpful.
It’s equally as important to teach them to stand up for themselves and important principles in life.
My daughters are polite, kind and helpful and often thank me for raising them to care about humanity.
They also make me giggle when they tell me that they got their sass from me! LOL
See this as an opportunity for your daughter to learn how to stand up for herself.
I have a lot of faith in the younger generation. I am often inspired by their outlook on life.
They are super smart. They grew up in a world that was never without technology.
They are not intimidated easily and are extremely creative.
They reach out to one another. It’s quite different from past generations.
Best wishes for you and your daughter.
What would happen if she politely said she couldn’t do this anymore? It may provide an invaluable glimpse into her future with this family. If they or her new boyfriend become passive aggressive with her or downright mean, the future doesn’t sound great. There are plenty of other fish in the sea.
If this were my daughter, I'd advise her to run for the hills as fast as her legs would carry her. But my daughter is famous for NOT listening to me, so...........LOL.
Also, what are the boyfriend's 'expectations' in regard to caring for his grandmother? Does HE agree with his family that it should be his girlfriend's 'job' to care for her, and if so, should she get paid?
This is an important question, really, b/c it determines HIS level of character and whether he will stand up for her or not. And if he can stand up to his family about what HE wants for himself and his future romantic relationships. Is he a mama's boy or a real man? Lots of questions for you to present to HER to think about.
We see this kind of question and potential Cinderella arrangement periodically. I always wonder how someone has the gall to expect a potential mate for one of the family to sacrifice her time to care for someone, w/o pay.
No way should she allow herself to be manipulated!
He was offered a substantial hourly rate, given the chance to meet his client beforehand, phone numbers for which people to contact immediately with any concern (who would be at the function also).
He accepted & started a wonderful (professional) relationship with this family.
The differences were that family had very clear expectations about this being a *professional* position.
It was, I think a good learning opportunity for the OP's daughter about *conflict of interest*, *duty of care* & *professional boundaries*. All of which I'm sure as a CNA come up.
I wonder if the boyfriend's family would still have asked her if she had been a hairdresser or teacher... or an IT cyber security specialist... because she was a GIRL.
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