Interference from siblings. How to nicely deal with it without hurting them?

This is an attempt at the ‘nicely’. Can you talk about how difficult caring is being for you? Make it about your problems, not what they are doing wrong. In particular you get so little time to yourself, and so much of your life has to focus on your MIL.
- ‘Whenever people visit or phone, all they seem to talk about is MIL! That doesn’t give me a break at all!’.
- ‘I never seem to get a chance even to go for a walk around the block with my mask on, just to get some time on my own with something different to look at’.
- ‘I am so tired of having to cook just the things that MIL can remember from years ago. I’m living in a culinary time-warp! What would I give for some (eg hot curried prawns)’.
- I’m really stuck in a rut. If you can come up with ideas I’d be so grateful!’

If they have any imagination at all, they may think about what they could do to change things. If not, keep repeating it until the penny drops.

Have the visits picked up since Covid? I’m wondering if your house seems a safe place for an outing to the siblings? How many are there? Do they come together? Do they just assume you have nothing else to do? How long have you been keeping their mom? For the entire five years or is this a fairly recent arrangement? Are holidays at your house? Have they always done this since their mom moved in? In other words, is this new behavior on their part or is it that you are less able to deal with them than in the past?

You’re doing the caregiving. Take their visits as an opportunity to go elsewhere, car ride, out to eat (sit in the car and eat takeout during covid) run errands, whatever you enjoy. Any talk should come from your spouse, the in law is always the out law in family matters. If they feel she needs medical intervention, have your spouse suggest they take MIL for any appointments they feel appropriate

First off: I suggest your spouse be the one to have this talk with his/her siblings. If your spouse isn't willing, then this is a separate problem and nothing anyone on the forum suggests will probably help.

When the siblings identify some new symptom or issue with your MIL's health your spouse can say, "Thank you. I'll see if she makes a complaint about it again tomorrow since with ALZ she doesn't interpret pain in the way you and I do. Then I will consult with her doctor to see what he thinks. If he thinks she should be seen I'll schedule an appointment and call to coordinate when you can take her in." If they back peddle out of it, then you can drop it.

Does MIL live with you in your house? If so you and spouse can thank them for visiting her but request that they tell you in advance when they are coming to visit. After all, it's your home. Tell them this will allow you to plan for a much-needed break and do errands while they entertain her. Once a week is great, thank you!

If it's not your home (but you live there too) then it's different. They see themselves as visiting their mother, not you two. Yet their visits still have an impact on your schedule. When they show up you can disappear and don't feed them or cater to them in any way. Just say, "Good to see you! Thanks for coming! We'll be stepping out for a while to take a break and do personal errands."

Honestly I think you are being just a smidge sensitive about it. After all, it is their mother! when they come and fuss over her it's not an indictment of your caregiving -- it's their way of showing her love. With their time and attention. Most people on this forum have the opposite problem: no help or even communication from family...so maybe count your blessings. If they get their noses out of joint no matter how nicely this is all communicated, then maybe they should be doing the caregiving as it will only get more suspicion-based if you act too controlling.

"Hmmm, so mom has complained about **XYZ** to you...she hasn't mentioned anything like that to me, and neither I nor *husband* have seen anything like that. I can understand why you're worried, but usually when she mentions these things, she forgets all about it by tomorrow. But, by all means, if you're concerned, then feel free to take her to the doctor - it might ease your concerns."

Say it in a sympathetic, concerned voice, and without rancor.

I'll bet if you do that to them a few times, and make them travel her back and forth to the various doctor appointment, they'll be less likely to jump at every complaint. It might even be an eye opener for them.

Sit them down together and tell them exactly what you told us here. These are statements about how this makes you feel. In that they are perfect. Tell them that you understand they wish to visit her. Tell them that you would appreciate some respite in fact, while they do so (and then USE IT for yourself). Tell them that you are on top of her needs, and that--sorry to be frank--there can only be one caregiving household at a time. Tell them if they wish to take on are you will be the supporting visitor, will give THEM respite time, and will stay out of the medical issues unless something is seen as an emergency. And that is what you must have for them. Tell them that you appreciate all loving support, groceries, appointments, casseroles (don't show up without them, hee hee). Try to use honesty and gentleness. Tell them you really don't need a response, but just to please take away what you said; that you recognize their help is meant with love but sometimes it comes up to too many chefs messing with the stew.
I am sorry. It is difficult to handle this. and YES< THEY WILL GOSSIP ABOUT YOU. I would put money on that. But if this doesn't work then you and your hubby are going to have to form some much more CLEAR BOUNDARIES. And you will have to enforce them, for your own sanity. Which I have NO IDEA how you are keeping it. Your sanity, that is. Wishing you so much luck and hope you will update us.

I think you need to call a family meeting. Let everyone know exactly how and what you are doing to care for their mother; ie: shower schedule, doctor's appointments, etc. Let them know that while you appreciate *yuck yuck* their concern, you and your DH are doing everything in your power to properly care for your MIL and do not need armchair critics to put your every move under a microscope for inspection and critique. Because that's what it feels like. If they would like to take on the care and feeding of their mother, you're more than happy to pass her along to them. If not, then please let UP with the critiques and have faith that we are doing this very hard and thankless job to the best of our ability.

Also, it's a good idea for the armchair critics to read all about Alzheimer's so they can get a better idea of how their mother's mind works or doesn't work. Every ache and pain does not need to be looked at by a doctor otherwise you'll be there every single day and at the ER on the weekends. Unless THEY would like to take on the responsibility of schlepping her back & forth to these doctor visits they find necessary?

Everyone in the family needs to pitch in and HELP out; they need to DO things to facilitate their mother's care, whether it be taking her to appointments, or helping with showers, or bringing meals by on a rotating schedule, etc. Just pointing out 'flaws' in your caregiving serves NO useful purpose and only adds to you burning out even FASTER than you normally would. Then the full burden of MILs care falls on THEM.

Find a way to get these messages across to the family w/o being too harsh, but being firm at the same time. You're doing a HUGE job here and thanks are more in order than anything else.