My mom is 87 yr old and we moved her in with us a year ago. Since then she has completely changed. When she had her own place she did she did alot more than she does now. I realize she had to give up a lot to move. When we packed up her place she refused to help at all. Very frustrating for my hubby and myself. It was a lot to pack up our things plus my mom's entire place. Once we got moved mom started wanting alot of her things ASAP... and I'd tell her if she helped pack her stuff then we would know where everything was. It will take time. So.. she just does not want to listen when I ask for help. She won't even make a grocery list of things she wants out. Before COVID she decided not to go out to grocery shop. She only wants me to take her to the casino on my days off once a week. She scrapes the doors and jams with her walker & she just does not care anymore. Espically since we moved. She won't walk and her arms are getting stiffer. Its hard to watch. She can't hear as well..at least not my voice.. refuses to get hearing aides. Does not always take her medications. She stopped taking her vitals B/P. O2. Pulse like her dr asked. She gets mad at me for yelling at her. But if I don't yell she can not hear me.
She expects dinner every night. Get dishes out of cabinets and drawers but never puts any away. Might rinse out her dish at times.
Neither of us smoke. But mom had quit before we moved..but now she smokes alot. I can not stand the smell of cigarette smoke & it stays on her clothes. It's bad.
I am just fed up with things. I been helping her for 5 years now. 4 of them were back n forth both homes..so thats why we moved her in with us. It's putting stress on my hubby. I work 12 hr shifts at hospital 3-4 nights a week. So when I get off work I have household things to take care of..grocery shop.. take mom to appointments. Get her medications. Take her to casino. Try to spend time with hubby. Covid means not many places to go out to. But I never have any time for me. I stopped going to work out when we moved. I never can do any of my fun stuff.. stained glass work..sew.. I'm frustrated and tired.
Open for suggestions...
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Your mom’s in a mental decline and moving her has likely strained her resources. Between not having a familiar place to navigate, as well as the hearing difficulty, which could be MCI related (can’t understand you, can’t process the conversation) she is struggling. I bought a pocket voice amplifier for my mom and it works well-her hearing comes and goes, and she doesn’t want a hearing aid. Big improvement!
Have you had a physician assess her since the move?
This really helped me understand what was going on with my mom and I think you would find it helpful
http://www.dementiacarestrategies.com/12_pt_Understanding_the_Dementia_Experience.pdf
The burden of caring for her will only increase, and it doesn’t sound practicable for you to keep her at home.
You have to remember that you invited her to live with you, not the other way around, so you must not give up the things you enjoy doing, as you can now see that all that does is cause you more frustrations. So time to set some ground rules, make more time for you and hubby, and start doing the things you enjoy. If mom doesn't like, well,--- it may be time to show her the door.
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Also, there are simpler and less expensive "sound amplifiers" that seniors can adapt more easily than hearing aids. Maybe someone will post what they're called or the brand but I think you can do an online search and find out more.
I do not doubt your level of fatigue. And it will get worse as she gets worse if you don't move her into a facility. She won't like it but your marriage is your first priority and obligation. I realize covid complicates things, but you will need to see what's do-able in your state. My MIL is 85 in LTC and survived a nasty bout of covid, and had a full recovery. I'm hoping you are her durable PoA so that you can legally make these decisions for her. If not, these legal docs need to be created asap, if she is cognitively able. I wish you much wisdom and peace in your heart as you work through a solution for everyone.