I love my Mother dearly. She is the only person in this world that knows me fully and loves me unconditionally. We are very, very close. If I were single and childless, I would take her out of her facility and care for her at home, but I’m not. My husband has threatened divorce if I were to bring her home. He is NOT supportive in any way. But even if he were not in the picture, my child has mental health issues that have gotten worse with this pandemic. Among other issues, my child has an anxiety disorder related obsession with and fear of death. My Mother is failing. Bringing her home with us (probably to die) would most likely negatively affect my child. So Mom stays at her facility. I struggle with this daily as Mom gets worse. It has torn me up inside. I feel as though I am essentially abandoning my Mom for my child. Intellectually I know that most people would say that my first responsibility is to my child, however, it’s just a terrible situation. Has anyone else had a similar situation? How do you handle the guilt?
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If on the other hand this is a husband who isn't a good match, a good mate, a good support in your family, all bets are off. It is perhaps the marriage that cannot work. That's a bigger problem. Only you can tell what the answer is to that.
Not everything in life can be made perfect. We all do the best we can through all phases of life, whether for our parents, our spouses, our siblings, our children or our friends. Life isn't perfect and not everything can be fixed.
If I were to look at this from a 'guilt' perspective & decide to upturn my entire life by bringing my mother to live in my home, not only would I be disrupting MY life, but my husband's life as well, which I do not have the right to do. It's his home too so he gets a say in how he lives it. Bringing a 94 y/o demented woman in a wheelchair & Depends in here wouldn't enhance HER life OR our lives in any way. She would require 3 hot meals a day, 3 snacks a day, continuous supervision and entertainment, and how would she get that, exactly, with us working?
I personally think you're looking at things from a skewed perspective. What you're saying is that it's 'wrong' for children to place their parent(s) into a managed care residence because it's our 'duty' and 'obligation' to care for them in our homes, whether we're qualified to do it or not. Whether we want to do it or not, and regardless of what our husbands & children think about it. THAT is what's 'wrong' here, in my opinion
There is no 'one size fits all' care plan for the elderly. Which is why there are managed care homes all over the world. There are also people who choose to take a parent into their own homes and care for them there, and that's fine too. But it has to be a JOINT family decision where everyone is in agreement & shares the burden together. To wrack yourself with unwarranted guilt over making a decision to place your mother is very unfair to you and to your family. Because your self loathing will come through to THEM; they will see & feel it & may even feel responsible FOR it. If your husband is threatening you with divorce if you take your mother in to live with your family, he knows you're way too emotionally affected by this whole situation! I recommend you see a therapist and get some counseling for your own peace of mind, which you DESERVE to have.
Remember & know that you are not abandoning your mother. She's abandoned if she's homeless and living on the street, not in a comfortable, safe & warm senior care residence. While it's perfectly natural to feel grief and sadness over the fact that your mother is elderly & in declining health, you personally cannot 'fix' that situation. I can't fix my mother's dementia or her AFib, or her neuropathy or incontinence, either, as much as I'd like to. Nor can I prevent her from dying. I can, however, agree to live MY life with joy & happiness and share it with my husband & children, which is the deal I made when I married. I owe it to them, in fact.
I am sorry you are going through such grief and being so hard on yourself. This situation is not your fault, so stop blaming yourself for your mother's old age & infirmity. It's okay to live YOUR life and to be a wife & mother to your child. It really is.
Wishing you the best of luck accepting what is
In the first paragraph of your response you said that your Mom is at a facility where staff bends over backwards to see that her every need is met 24/7, that she is able to use things like a jacuzzi to help with neuropathy and that that is not a situation that tears you up inside. That’s great! I’m glad that you were able to find such a lovely facility.
Unfortunately, not all of our loved ones are as fortunate and reside in facilities that leave A LOT to be desired. Moving the LO would be much easier said than done and wonderful facilities don’t always exist locally.
I’m sorry if what I wrote in my post has inadvertently offended anyone who has chosen to place a LO in a facility.
I truly don’t think it is wrong for children to place a LO in a facility. I don’t think that it is anyone’s obligation to care for a LO at home. I know that the wants, needs and abilities of the family living at home are paramount when trying to make a decision. Facilities are much needed in society.
(Frankly, I can only hope that if one day my needs progress to the point that my Mother’s have, that my child will put me into a facility. I do not want my child to try to care for me at home because I know how doing so affected me before I placed my Mom into a facility.)
I think it is because she is failing rapidly that from an emotional standpoint I wish I could comfort her at home for whatever time she has left.
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We did have a little sit down with 2 daughters still at home, aged 16 and 19. They loved their grandpa, but one of them would lose a bedroom and he had a horrible, deep, phlegmy cough that lasted all day and night. He wasn't able to use stairs, so he would have been in the bedroom across the hall from DH and my bedroom. I would have been in charge of everything.
The girls said they would simply move out. I didn't blame them. Dh thought they were selfish brats, but HE never spent 24 hrs straight with his dad and anything that involved bodily fluids made him throw up.
The answer was a hard 'no' and I spent the next 4+ months running out to FIL's condo with food, to take him to drs appts and to clean.
It was brutal. But it only lasted 4 months. About the time I was having non-stop stress migraines, he passed away.
To this DAY, DH says I am selfish. Well, since he did less than nothing for his dad's care, he can't talk. I don't stick up for myself. That needs to be DH's paradigm and I cannot change it.
In a nutshell--my girls came first.
To me you sound the exact opposite of selfish. You put your girls first and went through four months of providing care and support to your FIL to the detriment of your own physical health (stress migraines).
Isn’t it ironic how people that do little to no caregiving (your DH) can be so critical of what others (you!) actually DO do!!! I have found myself thinking often of the old saying ‘no good deed goes unpunished’. Despite everything I do, I am also the one who receives the criticism.
Thank you again.
You and your Mother love each other very much and unconditionally. A loving mother that has had a full and loving life would tell her daughter that she has had your time, love and support throughout your whole life. Her cup is full and she wants that for you. She would want you to take exceptional care of yourself first and foremost. She would want a healthy and happy woman to raise her grand daughter and bring her up in a loving home.
I didn’t follow my own advice, my mother was very demanding. I lost myself by trying to take care of more than was humanly possible. Every aspect of my life suffered and there wasn’t any “me” left. I lost everything that was important to me including my health. Your choice has consequences. Pick the choice you can live with. You’re in my prayers.
You may wish to warn your child & DH you will need to spend more time with Mother during this special time of her declining health. Or maybe look for opportunities for quality time instead of quantity.
Letting others do the physical care for your Mother is part of the process of letting go. But it does not mean you love her less.
As far as your husband's ultimatum and lack of support, it might be time to re-evaluate your relationship. As a male, his threat disgusts me. He apparently has drawn a line in the sand where your crossing it excuses him from the marriage.
Regarding my husband, his threat disgusted me too. His lack of support over the years has caused me to withdraw which makes the relationship even worse. I so envy folks who have supportive spouses they can lean on! Especially during such trying circumstances and times. Our relationship definitely needs re-evaluating as well. Thank you again.
You are doing what's best for your child and your mother is in a safe place being cared for by professionals. You have nothing to feel guilty for.
As for your husband, no offense, but he kind of sounds like an unsupportive tool.
Do take care of yourself. We have to put ourselves first, at least once in a while.
My husband has some good qualities and some nasty ones. I’m not perfect either. However, as I get older, I am less able to tolerate some particularly bad qualities... and maybe that’s not a bad thing. Thank you again.
Your last sentence really struck a chord with me: that Mom wouldn’t want me jeopardizing my family for her. I have not shared my child’s mental health issues with Mom because it would only upset her. However, if she were younger and in her right mind without dementia and knew of these issues, she would definitely not want anything done that might make her beloved grandchild’s mental health worse. So thank you, thank you in particular for that comment! That gives me comfort.
Your first priority as a Mom and a Wife is to your family.
I dislike threats as much as I dislike ultimatums. They are pretty much the same.
I am sure it would take quite a bit to actually go ahead with a divorce but that is neither here or there.
As I mentioned your priority is to your child and to your husband.
I am sure your husband is also thinking of the effect that moving your mom in would have on your child.
Taking care of someone in addition to your child is a daunting task. Particularly with all the conditions you mentioned in your profile.
Leave your mom in the facility where she is getting care that she needs.
Do what you can for mom but you should focus on your family.
(I am going to add something here that I do hope you do not take as a harsh criticism) I think you and your husband should talk a bit about how he feels as he does or rather why he expressed his feelings by jumping to divorce. It is rather a drastic solution. If necessary talking with a counselor to help sort through feelings on both sides.