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DILKimba Asked January 2021

My FIL passed away on Dec. 16th, and my MIL has lost her will to live. Is this common?

MIL and FIL have been in AL and MC for 2 years. Before that they were in IL but with assists such as medicine supervision, meals provided, etc. Before that they lived at a senior apartment complex near us and we provided support as needed. This has been an 11 year journey with dementia and Alzheimer's. MIL's dementia has been worse than FIL's the whole time, with her becoming violent toward him, prone to UTI's, delusions, paranoia's, etc and became a flight risk 2 years ago, prompting her move to MC. The place where they live has houses, about 12 houses with 8-12 residents in each house, and he was in one house--AL and she was 2 doors down. We separated them because of her violence toward him and his need to "control" her. We felt he needed to get a respite from his caregiving too. Even throughout the pandemic, they considered him part of their "Pod" and allowed him to visit daily. We were not able to visit until October so we were not picking up on some of the subtle declining in his cognitive abilities. We were quite surprised and started to think about memory care or the step in between for him. This first week in November, his brain quit telling him how to walk. He took a fall on Nov. 11th. We took him to the the hospital where there they ran every test imaginable looking for stroke signs, etc. Nothing. They sent him to rehab to try to see if they could help him learn to use a walker to help him. While in the hospital and in rehab he suffered from hospital delirium. Every day when my husband visited he wasn't sure if he'd see "Nursing Home Dad" who couldn't; communicate more than moaning/crying/mumbling and laying in bed, or "memory care dad" who was interactive and sitting in a chair. The NHD days outnumbered the MCD days. He was also refusing to eat or drink, losing weight and muscle tone. After 23 days, the care team decided to move him back to his AL with the stepped up care to see if being back in familiar setting would help with the delirium, and help inspire him to eat. We also felt that seeing mom would help.
In the meantime she and several in her house were tested positive for COVID but all had very mild symptoms. When he returned to the AL, she was on the last day of her quarantine. but they tried to reunite them the next day. Neither recognized the other. :-( Both had convinced themselves that their spouse was gone, their family was gone, etc. even though my husband was visiting daily. FIL continued to go downhill, refusing food and water. We called in Hospice. He died peacefully in his sleep on Dec. 16th. Unfortunately we were not able to be there because on Dec. 12th we had both tested positive for COVID and could not be in the AL houses. We had to postpone the graveside service till December 28th when we were all out of Quarantine.
Since that time my husband has visited his mom, but she is in bed most of the time. We had gotten her qualified for hospice in December also, so the hospice nurse and aides have been keeping good tabs on her condition. She has become increasingly withdrawn and has been sleeping most of the time. The past week she is refusing food and most liquids. Her vitals are still somewhat strong in spite of that. We are doing all we can, to encourage her. My husband took some more pictures and familiar items over there on Sunday but she did not acknowedge them. The hospice coordinator thinks it is only a matter 2-3 weeks if she continues on this path. It appears she just doesn't want to/cant wrap her broken brain around life without him. They have been apart since Nov. 11th, even though he did't pass until December 16th.
I guess I wanted to know if others have experienced something similar. I never in a million years thought he would pass first. I think if she had, he would have had the will to go on, but I don't know for sure.

Ohlas1 Jan 2021
Yes, my grandfather had a massive heart attack, died next to my grandmother, then 3 days later she died.

it’s not uncommon to die right after a long term partnership. Or want too!

polarbear Jan 2021
Kimba - my deepest condolences to you and your husband. May sweet memories of your late FIL & MIL carry you both in your grieving days ahead.

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NobodyGetsIt Jan 2021
Dear "DILKimba,"

Oh, I am so sorry to hear of both the loss of your FIL last month and now a month later your MIL this morning. It's amazing that you just posted your question yesterday and now in a strange turn of events, have your answer. It definitely is not uncommon.

Something like this never seems to turn out the way we think it will and this is just one example of that.

The two of you have certainly been on a very long journey and it will seem strange not to be constantly busy looking after them.

May God show His love and mercy in your grief - now, it's time to take care of each other.

DILKimba Jan 2021
My MIL Passed this morning at 4am. Thank you all for your kind responses and input.

lealonnie1 Jan 2021
It seems to me that it will go either of two ways when a spouse passes away after a long term marriage: either they will be happy & thrive for many years, or, they will be unable to function without their spouse and choose to pass as well. I've seen it go both ways myself.

My parents were married for 68 years. When my dad died in 2015, the man across the hall in my parents' ALF was immediately asking my mother if she wanted to go on a cruise with him & she was laughing like a schoolgirl. She never speaks of him, to this day, and he's been gone almost 6 years now; she's doing fine w/o him. Doesn't even want a photo of him in her room at the Memory Care. :(

My aunt, her sister, passed within a few months of her husband after they'd been married for 70 years. She saw no point in life without him, so she chose to join him. When my cousin held the funeral at the cemetery, there were two eagles flying together at the burial site! She knew it was both her parents who'd been reunited again & were flying free in the sky! Such a sweet memory.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your FIL, and now for the impending loss of your MIL. But I'm glad she's going to join her spouse in eternal life and they'll both be together again and both at peace. Sending you a hug and a prayer.

BarbBrooklyn Jan 2021
(((((Hugs)))))), Kimba.

DILKimba Jan 2021
We got an update this afternoon that they have called in the 24hr nurse from hospice. Her vitals have deteriorated greatly. My husband and oldest son are with her now.

Tothill Jan 2021
I know of several families where one elder died and the other within 6 months of the first. It is not uncommon at all. My grandson's Great-Great-Grandparents on his Dad's side of the family were one such couple. Grandpas Higgins died in March of cancer, Grandma Higgins, who had mild dementia, but no health concerns died by July. She was lost without him after 60+ years of marriage.

On Wednesday my Mum's oldest friend died, a surprise as we expected her husband to die first. I would be surprised if he lives to see the Summer.

funkygrandma59 Jan 2021
That has to be so heartbreaking for you both to have to witness, but yes, that is so very common, especially with couples that have been together for many years, and had a special bond throughout their lives. You hear about it all the time, one spouse dying and shortly thereafter, the other dying of a supposed broken heart. It's kind of sweet actually, and should bring you both peace that they will be together soon for eternity. God bless you both as you continue on this journey.
DILKimba Jan 2021
It does in fact bring us peace and I feel weird, but have said to my husband, I’m kind of happy for her. To be in the presence of the Lord, reunited and made new!
AlvaDeer Jan 2021
They will always manage to surprise us, won't they. How lucky they have been to have the continuous care you have provided, with step up for needs as they come, and with trying what could be tried, accepting what could not work. I think that perhaps it is a great mercy that at the end they really no longer remembered well enough to suffer added grief. We do live longer today, but the end is such a crucible I am not certain how often that is a good thing.
You write your entire journey so very well. I hope your Mom's passing is peaceful and the best quality of life and freedom from pain and anxiety that can be provided. I am so sorry for this double loss it is looking like, so close together and in times of Covid-19 so much more difficult for a caring family. I hope you will stick around on Forum and help others with negotiating what must be faced. Again, I am so sorry for all that you all have gone through, and I am so admiring of your caring for your parents.
DILKimba Jan 2021
Thank you for your kindness. I agree with you.
Midkid58 Jan 2021
I'm so sorry for what you are going through. (and COVID just adds the whipped cream to the Sundae of stress, doesn't it??)

What you are experiencing is really NOT abnormal. I can't count the number of elderly couples who were so connected that when one passed, the other one simply could not find the desire to continue to live, and passed within weeks, or even just days.

Do you really WANT to have her go on in this state? Has she any QOL or joy in living?

It sounds as if she has simply given up--and selfishly, we want our LO's to live and be happy and fulfilled--but sadly, that is often NOT the situation.

I'd have MIL evaluated for any change in bsiac health--the UTI's that are such bugaboos for the elderly and just a basic checkup.

If she is simply tired, worn out and done with life, you can contact Hospice and choose bewtween palliative and full Hospice.

If the nurses and docs are saying only a couple more weeks (and you cannot go much longer than that without eating or drinking)--accept that.

Sounds like mom and dad had a sweet bond that will long outlive their lives on earth. I hope you can make her last weeks peaceful and quiet. Let he attitude be your guide. If she doesn't recognize pics of dad, don't show them to her.

This situation is not about you or your DH. It's all about his mom--so let it be about her and what she'd want. (Does she have a POA to enact her wishes?)

This is a lot to handle in a month, but after it's all over, you will feel better knowing that mom didn't have to live years without her beloved DH.

((Hugs)) You've been through a lot.
DILKimba Jan 2021
She is on hospice already-they are the ones who contacted us this morning.
Isthisrealyreal Jan 2021
Oh Kimba, I am so sorry for all that your family has and is going through.

Your inlaws obviously shared a love that was soul deep. What a blessing.

I have seen this happen multiple times in my life. One spouse dies and the other is only a couple of months behind them. It is sad yet beautiful to see such a connection.

I pray that your MIL has a peaceful transition and that you all have peace and comfort.

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