Hi everyone, I need some opinions and insight. My husband and I are searching for our forever home. We have been looking for months and in our immediate area everything is either too expensive or needs a ton of work. If it is a decent house in our price range it gets snapped up before we even get a chance to go look at it. The problem - I found a home that is 2 hours away and is everything we are looking for in a home. It needs zero work, has the most beautiful mountain views, a pool, an in-law suite for anyone who may need to come live with us in the future, and is $100,000 cheaper than anything comparable around us. My husband doesn't want to make an offer because he says 2 hours is too far away from his parents. His parents are in their early 70's and in really good health. I am so heartbroken. I absolutely love this home and know we will never find anything near us in that price range. I am trying to be understanding but I am really upset. I feel like we cannot live "our" life because we have to live his life. He has two siblings that live hundreds of miles away, but he thinks 2 hours is too far. The real kicker is his parents would not live with us if something happened to one or the other of them. His dad would go live with his son (my husbands brother) in California where it is warmer. And his mom would go live in Wisconsin with her daughter (my husband's sister) because they are very close. I am so confused, hurt, angry....
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Having a pool and being 2 hours away from your in-laws sounds great, especially since you work from home and don't need to live within commuting distance of your in home offices. You are obviously young enough so that a bit of pool maintenance is no big deal and the pros outweigh the cons. I had one for years and loved it.
The thing about being 2 hours away is what happens when your in laws need help? And they WILL need help. There will be times they get sick, have Dr appointments, need medical treatments or procedures, fall, go to the hospital, need rehab, come down with a disease......truly, the list is endless as they age. Trust me, I know. How hard is it going to be for you and DH to schlep back and forth to help them when they need it? The other siblings are far away and as such, useless. That leaves YOU as their only port in a storm.
This is probably what DH is thinking in his head as the problem with living 2 hrs away.
And from that perspective he's right. Even if they're in great health today, all that can change on a dime. One of my favorite expressions is, "Everything is fine until it isn't fine anymore."
When my father fell and broke his hip, it was a good thing I lived 5 miles away because I was schlepping my mother back and forth to the hospital and rehab every day for a month.
Before your in laws make a move to live out of state with another child, chances are good lots of crises will happen beforehand to spur on that decision. Sad but true.
Try to make a decision that will cost you the least amount of time and energy in the long run if you and DH are the only help your in laws have in their old age. I think that's the goal.
Wishing you the best of luck with whatever decision you make.
I agree that their plan to move to California and Wisconsin, respectively, in the event one kicks the bucket is unrealistic because, in most cases, age-related decline happens long before death.
Do his parents have all their important paperwork together i.e. durable power of attorney, living wills, wills? If so, is he their POA? If not, it is a bad idea to become caregiver to anyone without having the authority.
It is also very unlikely that the two siblings who living hundreds of miles away will uproot themselves and their families in order to move closer to their parents. Realistically, your husband (like mine) is the one who will serve in some form of caregiver role to his parents as they age.
You and your husband must start having a conversation about what he is and is not willing to do for his parents. Also, you need to be clear with him about what you are and are not willing to do for his parents in the event one or both becomes seriously ill. For many years, I propped up my in-laws in a charade of independence. I do not recommend it.
Do you have a good relationship with your in-laws?
Would you be willing to turn your existing house into a new idea of a dream house? For example, my husband and I are planning and budgeting for making changes to our house so that it has what we want - and will need - as we age. Personally, I would never buy a home with a swimming pool - they are so much work and how many times are you going to throw a pool party to make it worthwhile?
Marriage is compromise. I believe both you and your husband need to make some. Talk to him about what he's willing to compromise for you.
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2 hrs is not really a long drive, it can take me 1+ to drive the 25 miles from YD'd home to mine if the traffic is bad.
A pool does NOT increase the 'selling value' of a home. They are great if you WANT one, but if you don't, they are huge money/time sucks. Also a worry if you have grands or neighbor kids.
I get how you are feeling--DH wants to retire to a small mountain town which is about 2 hrs from our kids and the major part of that commute is a long winding canyon. I can barely drive it NOW, in 5-10 years, I won't even attempt it.
Sometimes we have to accept that we are never going to have that 'dream house'. Our house is a terrible floor plan for retirees and we only have 1 garage which I don't get to use for my car. BUT..it's paid off and that's something.
You're right in saying you won't be lving 'your life' you'll be living DH's. And as his parents age, he'll be making more and more trips 'back home' to deal with their issues.
No, it is not fair---but I'm sure if you keep looking, you will find something that suits the both of you.
If you moved to that dream house, depending on its location, how far away is the nearest grocery store, department store, new doctor/dentist, hairdresser/barber, gas station, hardware store, etc?
Driving may not be an issue for you and hubby now, but when you become your in-law's age, it may be different. I know for myself, my driving limit is just a few miles, but when younger could drive across country with no problem. It was my cancer treatment that gave me panic attacks and ten years later, those attacks are still with me :(
How far away is the nearest hospital? That's a biggee as we age.
I live in an expensive area house wise, but everything I need is just a hop, skip, and a jump away. Plan for a smaller house in an expensive area. Like, do you really need an in-law suite or swimming pool. My sig-other was thrilled when he and his late wife found a house with a pool until he found out how much work was involved. When his wife passed, he moved.
Lot to think about.
I get that a dream house at a dream price looks mighty good. What are the pros & cons on your area vs the new area? Will the new area have jobs, shops, activities, health facilities for you & your DH's own future needs? Will it suit 'forever'?
What do you both want from your new house / location?
My DH & I had been reluctant to move away from family & current jobs - as both gave us that useful purpose in life. But when we really asked ourselves what we wanted from our next phase of life, it was something different. Other jobs could also provide forfillment & we seemed to be approaching a step from being 'useful' to dependant family members to 'enablers'. We decided we can be loving & useful in other ways - instead of physical care propping up people that do in fact have other options.
I would ask your DH why he specifically wants to stay in your Current Town, over any other location. Job? Friends? Even... does he hope to buy his folk's home one day??
The reason this house is 100K cheaper than anything comparable in the area is that it's 2 hours' drive away, presumably. Evidently your husband is not the only buyer in the market who considers its location a serious drawback.
Where are you and he living now?
Have you been married long?
When you mention his parents' plan for if "something happened" to one of them, it sounds as if the something they're envisaging includes only death. If it were illness or injury that happened, it seems unlikely they'd separate on those grounds and head for Wisconsin and California respectively; and yet those grounds are much commoner than sudden death in people in their seventies or eighties. What then?
But overall it does sound as though you and your husband need to have several more conversations about The Plan. I can completely understand and sympathise if you feel that his version of it does not take into account not just your needs but the whole concept of you and him as a married unit. The only solution to this is talking.
We have known each other and our respective families since high school. Married for 3 years.
And as for his mom helping...she would only be happy if we lived next door. Which oddly enough I suggested we all buy a home together, and they all laughed at me.
This is why I am confused...