Inappropriate comments in public. What do I do?

Hi Nazdrovia. I find that the people who preach religion constantly don't actually do anything but preach about it. They certainly don't live it. Much of the time when our "beloved" seniors think that because they've reached a certain age that it gives them a free pass to say anything they want no matter how hurtful or inappropriate without fear of consequences. Sometimes it's the dementia. Either way it means the person can't be taken out anymore.

Here's what you can do with your father.
Tell him you will no longer be taking him out of the house because his behavior is cruel, inappropriate and that being seen with him is an embarrassment you are no longer willing to bear. This is one way to handle it.
There's this way too.
When you have to bring him somewhere and he starts with the behavior treat him exactly the way you'd treat a child acting up. Call him out in front of everyone then make him apologize to the person he's talking about offensively.
I've had many homecare clients who thought they were entitled to say anything they might be thinking. I had one who every day had to keep telling me I was fat and needed to lose weight. I look fine, but she'd viciously critique everything you can imagine and this woman liked me. I used to take her out all the time. She was embarrassing in public about other people too. Her kids who rarely even saw her claimed she had dementia but it wasn't officially diagnosed.
One day it just got to me and I gave it back. I said that if she says one more thing I would leave her. That I'm the only person who goes to her house and helps her. I'm the only one who takes her out. I told her that no one else visits and her kids don't care. I told her that if I leave she can go rot in a nursing home because no one else is going to do for her.
She never made another comment to me again after that. She never made one to a stranger in public again either. Give this a try with your father.

I am probably butchering the science here, but please bear with me. Mom had a serious stroke in 2009, which left here basically unable to speak. Her word finding was extremely hard, leaving her almost speechless. However, she had no problem with cussing, or yelling no whenever something displeased her. My niece, who is a speech pathologist explained that that type of language is stored in a different area of the brain. The common words we use without really thinking about them, like OK, sure, yes, no, and unfortunately swear words are easier to access when the brain in damaged, depending on the areas that are damaged. When my hubby gets loud and profane out in public, I just tell people he has dementia. People are overall pretty kind when they know what's going on. I hope this helps.

Whether it's dementia or just lack of filter, it's your father's 'right' to say and do as he pleases. Similarly, it's YOUR right to leave him home & see/deal with him as little as humanly possible.

We all make our choices in life and then live with the consequences of those choices.

Even if he has dementia, he'll eventually see that his behavior is causing you to back away from him & see him less & less. If he chooses to continue the rancid behavior, then he's made the decision to see less & less of his daughter. Unless his dementia is advanced, he's aware of what he's doing, the choices he's making, and the effect it's having on the relationship with his daughter.

Good luck!

Since your father gives you "the silent treatment and sulks if you say no to him," he knows exactly what he is doing and has full control of his behaviors, AND is manipulating you to comply to his requests.
The aforementioned indicates he is deliberately being rude, most likely because reactions entertain him, which in layman's terms, he could be described as "a two faced and nasty old man."

Unfortunately, if that's the case, then the only solution is to understand that he will not "change," because he is internally rewarded thru everyone's shocked reactions (positive or negative-as long as someone reacts). In other words, all of the reactions are his reward, and thus motivation to continue provoking, and eliciting reactions from others.

With that understanding you become empowered, due to the predictability of his behaviors.

With my mom she would make false accusations against me loudly in public or press my buttons and laugh when I would be standing there shaking trying to hold it in.
Now it has come back to haunt her.
She needs help to go shopping and I refuse to help her so now I do the shopping myself. She used to be a real social butterfly but now because I refuse to go out in public with her she is regulated to staying in one room in her house. It is pure living Hell for her but she deserves it.
May I suggest you politely and firmly inform your dad his behavior is not welcomed and if he does it again you will just walk away and leave him where he is. And, you will never go out in public with him again.

My very first question here at AC was about my dad’s rudeness and too frequent out loud thoughts. I received a consensus of answers that he had dementia. I took him to both family practice and neuropsych appointments for testing. He passed everything thrown at him with flying colors. To the week he died he continued to live alone, balance his checkbook, pay his bills, engage in conversation meaningfully on any number of topics, and be rational in every way. Except the mean or rude comments. His doctors told me repeatedly that it was a “loss of filters” and common in old age. During this time I saw an old teacher of mine, now in her 90’s, she’d been the sweetest, most docile person. She told me proudly that she’d enjoyed reaching the age where “I can say whatever I want” So I became a believer in the loss of filters (heck, maybe there’s a little part of me looking forward to it 😜) With my dad, I combatted it with some understanding (he was raised in a far different time with different norms) sometimes calling him out and trying to educate him (he did become less rude in some things or at least know it wouldn’t fly around me) and apologizing for him. He was kind and giving to his family and friends, just had this filter issue that we all grew tired of. If you can’t deal with it, it’s fine to not be around it

Another trick I used was to interrupt mom. I knew when it was coming. This also worked well. It completely interrupted the sick, dying brain train of thought.

How about looking at your father and saying firmly ‘Be Quiet’.

I did this once in a supermarket queue, and it came from the gut without me thinking. A couple my age were in the queue behind me, the guy looked like ‘I’m too important for this shopping, it’s stupid women’s work’. The person in front of me was having trouble at the checkout with their card and pin, and this guy starts up loudly saying blah blah blah. I turned around and said ‘Be Quiet’. His wife grinned, his face froze and he went totally silent.

If they really know that it's rude, Keep It Simple!

Hello Naz, so sorry but I had to laugh. I would not take him out until he behaves. Try to reason with him but it might not work. Good luck! Please don't be mad about the laughing, we all need a good laugh these days.. My mother is a very quiet and reserved person most of the time and she still is out in public and at home but if she acted up I certainly would not take her out in public. One day we were at a store and I took my mom to the accessible restroom. She did not want us to change her clothes so it took some time She kept yelling don't strip me. Another time she was on the pot in the restroom, I had to go to the car to get some clothes she was soaked. My niece was with my mom .Someone kept knocking on the door and my niece thought it was me. She said just a minute and the gentleman said are you almost done I've got three kids out here. My niece said it is going to be awhile my grandmother is on the pot and can't get her up by myself. My mother replied I am a cripple you dam fool. She said it loud and clear. He left after that. I was so surprised at my mom, She never spoke like that to us or anyone else. The first story above I told her don't embarrass me or I will never take you out again. She has not acted up like that since the last time .I can reason with my mom but I know some folks it is more difficult. It just might be time not to take him in public any longer. Perhaps a nice ride in the country for an ice cream or park at the beach and enjoy the calmness of the ocean. I wish you the best, I know it is difficult but with small changes things might turn out for the better. The best to you.

I can only tell you what a co-worker did with her mom when out in public and she would make comments.  My friend made up little index cards with an apology on it something like this "please accept our apologies for any comments made, my (insert father/mother) has dementia and sometimes makes remarks that they normally would not make".  I don't know if this would help or not.  It can be tough.  My father said one time to me.........you must have put weight on because those pants make you fat.  I said yes they do........but I knew he never would have said that to me had he not had dementia.  If it gets to be too much, limit where you go (of course now with the virus, shouldn't be out too much) and how many people you get around.  Now if its friends of yours just explain the situation and hopefully they will understand.  I would not wish this on anyone.  wishing you luck.