What can I expect about caring for a mother who did not care for me?

Thank you for your response. My relationship to my father was quite distant. He, too, saw my existence as a threat to the family he was struggling to support. He was a good man, but I was not within his vision of what he expected. I was a bright, curious child who never wanted to do anything wrong, but ended up doing things that turned out to be wrong. I was a trial to them.

The biggest change in my life came in my early teen years when I finally accepted the fact that my parents were not the people who could help me in my life. Recently the school district had made arrangements for special tutoring for me to accommodate my interests in math, but my mother refused to allow it. If my older sisters did not get it, I couldn't either. I quit trying to please and engage them and started looking out for myself and my own best interests. I found out what I needed to get scholarships and started working toward them in the 8th grade. I took part in the sports that interested me without asking for any input from my parents. The family doctor gave me the sports "physical" gratis and I forged the necessary papers for the school. In truth my parents didn't care if I stayed at school until 5pm every day and didn't care if I was doing track or debate club.

We did not have open hostilities. It was more a matter of all of us ignoring each other much of the time. In a way that was very good because the relationships could morph into different things.

At 17 an entirely unsuitable man asked me to marry him. I said yes. We married when I was 18, then divorced a decade later. I made my way through college and grad school with scholarships, grants, loans, work study. I was always self-supporting. I did maintain contact with my family. In fact, I always took my 2 kids to their Grandma's house for Christmas. I thought there was no reason why my distance from my mother should deprive either my sons of their grandparents nor my parents of their grandchildren. Having spent a lifetime with no closeness, no nurturing, no love, I wanted my children to know that they were surrounded by love and wanted by all their family. They never knew how distant the relationship was between my parents and me. In fact, once I was no longer part of their household, I think they thought more of me than they ever had when I was living with them.

A year after my divorce I moved East to pursue a Ph.D. program. My children went with me. I sent them to my mother's every year for Christmas and for a month during summer break. We exchanged letters and I called my sisters several times each year. I had a close budget, so I had to severely limit phone calls. During the 30+ years in which we saw little of each other, old tensions eased. Each of my sisters came to visit me at least once in the time I lived in the East. Gradually old tensions eased, though we weren't really close.

It wasn't until we were older and my 2nd husband I I were semi-retired in our beach house that Mom started to have a few difficulties. At first I just ignored the conversational bits from my older sister who was the only care-giver. My husband and I talked about the advantages of moving to the small town in Oregon where we now live--climate, lower cost of living, etc. When we decided to make the move my sisters went out of their way to ease the transition and helped in many ways.

I was always clear on the limited ways I would help in taking care of Mom. My sisters were ok with my limits, because it still took some of the load off their hands.

I wrote this post in the hopes that others might see that even a small effort, given without grudges about the past, and in hope, might give some nice rewards. I think it is key that caregivers give only what they feel capable of giving. Only in that way can both the aging parent and the adult child enjoy a relationship that is based on the present, not on the failures in the past. There is hope for peace.

I am so glad that you found a solution that works for you. So many of the details of the childhood pain are so important in figuring out what relationship can happen 50 or 60 years later. I think that the deeper the pain was, the less likely it is that it can be set aside.

I think that you were wise to move on from "why" to what is. The why is seldom profound. I found that some of the reasons that Mom was the way she was were disappointingly simple. It was much easier to meet her on basis of the present and put the past where it belonged.

I think that you made the right choice for you and that is the most important thing. Enjoy your peace, you deserve it.

disgustedtoo,
Many abusive dynamics continue throughout adulthood, in ways undetectable to the victim, which keeps, the past in the present perpetually.
As an example, many manipulative abusive parents will interfere with their adult-children's lives, deliberately causing divorces, job losses, evictions, etc.

Which means that the PAST isn't always in the PAST. Hopefully assumptions that a person is stuck in the past, can be more cognizant of unknowns.

The OP, has presented a brilliant approach that has involved a serious level of detachment and research, which is a great inspiration, that is a great recipe for situations that are 100% disengaged.

Dear "DILKimba,"

You handled your in-laws with maturity and from that you made wise decisions as well as heeding the advice from the woman who mentored you by laying your hurt and pain at the foot of the cross. Also, it was mature of you to let them think your husband and BIL were doing everything even though it was you working behind the scenes!

Because of that, the past 10 years you were able to see it as honoring and caring for your husband. It was a win-win for his parents, your marriage (and your BIL) and now that they are both gone, you've been able to look at it with no regrets. That will go a long way when it comes to processing your grief.

Well done and good advice to those who haven't come to that point yet.

That is exactly what my mom does. She spins a poor pitiful me story to others. Most of the time it blind sides me, but I’m getting better at protecting myself.

Thank you for sharing. Therapy can be such a godsend. I, too, spent years in therapy. Several times. Each therapist helped me through some aspect of my past. I would be fine for a while, then something new would crop up. My guess is that you only thought that you were ugly because she said so, not because you actually were.

It is sad that she was so incapable of loving, she lost a lot in refusing her daughter's love. I hope you have found a good life for yourself and have found many things that you can love. I find that it is easier for me to be passionate about my home, my gardens, and similar things that to trust too much in the people around me. I do find great solace when I can find friends like my 2nd husband, my children, and a few others. Nevertheless, deep friendships are difficult for me. There is simply too much trust involved.

It is sad that your mother was so nasty, but at least you saved yourself from her poisonous tongue. I hope your own old age will be much happier and filled with loving thoughts. I hope you will find people you can love and trust.

What a difficult time you had. It can hardly be called a childhood. I am glad to hear that you give yourself the right to not see your mother. At some point you may be able to face that, but it is perfectly alright if you choose to keep yourself to yourself. You must do whatever you can to keep yourself whole and improving. I wrote this post because I was interested in what others have faced and how they are finding their recovery in adulthood.

I think you handled the issue with the toilet paper very well. It is in small compromises like this where we can inch forward in our relationships. You took care of her needs, but put your own needs first in solving the problem. I salute you.

One of my tricks in dealing with Mom has been to take her out. This gives her a break from home (she was always a bit of a gad-about) which also relieved my sisters of running errands. On the other hand, I spent very little time in her house. Too many years of "as long as you are in my house..." has made me twitchy about being in her house for more than a few minutes. By taking Mom out in MY car, that somehow makes me the adult, the caretaker. We need to use all the tricks we can come up with to preserve our hard-earned dignity and self-respect.

I don't understand your mother-in-law either. I wish I could hear from her. It would be nice to know if she managed to become the adult in the home of her parents or if she submitted to self-sacrifice. I hope the former. It would be nice to know, perhaps she had some insight that would help us.

Take care of yourself and be proud of becoming your own person in spite of all you had to overcome. You didn't give up. That is a big thing.