Twenty-one years ago I divorced my husband due to alcohol and drug addictions. He put me through hell for 23 years. Became homeless and was not present to help raise our children. No child support for years. To make it worse our daughter had a C-5 Spinal Cord accident at 13 years old leaving her an incomplete quadriplegic. Many hospitals and rehab centers added to my financial strain being on a high school teacher salary.
Less than a year ago he was diagnosed with Alzheimer's due to his addictions. After running off 2 other women in his life due to the same addictions, he needs help taking care of himself. I don't want to do it, my son helps as much as possible but the load ends up on my daughter (the quadriplegic).
I'm involved more than I wanted but I have to help my daughter out. She needs help taking care of herself, so I take the high road and assist. We have moved him 3 times to get closer to my daughter so it is easier on her but he pulls the same old tricks of drinking even with Alz diagnosis. He is currently living in an Independent Center but his funds are running very low and it won't work for long. Appears a regular apartment is available closer to my daughter so she won't be travelling so much and his neurologist suggested let him be as independent as possible. He calls, and calls and calls all of us saying he is bored. He wants to do things alone like going to football games, ride his bike, etc. We have convinced him to let his car go so he doesn't have travel access when he wants it. Truth is, he has run everyone off and we are involved because unfortunately, he is family. He is even under probation from drinking over a year ago right now. My daughter is just worn out, if my son takes over he will not be as nurturing as my daughter and I don't blame him.
We are at a loss where to put him so he is involved as much as possible with life as long as he can be and afford it. In about 4 years he will have been through his money and will qualify for Medicaid. My children are horrified he will go to a state home but I don't have a problem with him being there.
We also understand the worst of symptoms are coming. My 58-year-old sister died of Dementia 2 years ago and an Aunt died of Alzheimer in 2009. We know this is a horrible disease.
22 Answers
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
All of that aside, I believe "helping" at this point means enabling the care of someone who tragically has reached the end of the road in self care, and will need lifelong support. This gentlemen, were he at all a part of my life, be given into the care of the state for both care and guardianship.
I am sorry to be so tough. I saw a man's life ruined in his last years by an alcoholic partner who now still is alive (though in care, for the one who cared for him is now dead) but in care. There was nothing to do for this gentleman while my brother lived, and nothing to do for him now my brother is dead. He is in care. My brother left him funds. When those are gone he will be in the care of the state. But will likely be the "last man standing" if you know what I mean, no matter the abuse he did to his own body, nor the abuse he did to the last years of my bro, nor the abuse he leveled on others life long with his alcoholism. While I am capable of writing nice letters for the sake of my bro now gone, I do not feel much in the line of sympathy.
I am sorry your children are horrified by this thought. But I certainly would not enable them in any care of him that will put off, as you say, what is inevitable, care in a state home.
I am so sorry. Your plate is full to overflowing and is the plates of your children. This is the typical outcome.
And PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE attend Al-Anon with your kids. It will help them enormously in accepting what is real life, and in understanding their own limits and in having access to all the help there is for them.
Best of luck to you all.
My daughter is an incomplete C-5 quadriplegic. That means her spinal cord was not completely severed. C-5 is the 5th vertebrae in the spinal cord which is paralysis from the chest down. Depends on where the injury is on the spinal cord determining the extent of paralysis. She was in 7 hospital and rehabs to get where she is today over 22 years.
My children were small when the problems began and didn't know what was going on. He would drink for a few months until some drama (wreck a car) happened and then not drink for 6 months. Things got better and there he goes again. He drank in cycles and when he was sober he was wonderful and attentive to them. They remember those times but their view changes as teenagers. I didn't complain about financial problems or cut him down because that is damaging too. I had more important things to concentrate on besides him being my daughter almost losing her life. Now they are adults. They know the damage but he is still Dad. A little bit goes a long way with him and then Alz diagnosis.
Thanks for your advice about Al-Anon...been there, done that! Over 23 years I've done almost everything you can name before I divorced him so I would not have regrets I should have tried harder. When my daughter had her accident it gave me a clear vision to get away from him. I couldn't deal with him and her needs were everything.
Any suggestion on living arrangements for him at this point? He can dress, cook light meals, take care of his dog, clean apartment but can't remember what he ate for breakfast.
I divorced my children's father in 2002 and he is a burden to them for a variety of reasons. They've learned how to set down firm boundaries with him, and they even turn off their phones at times because of his incessant calling with invented crises. He's recovered from stage 4 colon cancer, so it's not like he didn't have issues that warranted their help.....he did. But they have lives too, and he was sucking them dry. Which he's an expert at doing. He does not ask me for anything, but now I hear he's gone broke so I'm expecting a call one day asking for a return of some of the settlement money he "gave me" in the divorce. There's 3 chances of me agreeing to that....fat slim and none, and fat just left town. My point is, some people are professional victims, and your ex sounds like mine......2 pros sucking our children dry.
Coach your dear daughter to the best of your ability and pray for the best, as I do. Soon he'll be going into a SNF on Medicaid when his funds run out and there's nothing anyone can do to prevent it. He'll be taken care of there, and your daughter can go back to bei g an occasional visitor and daughter again instead of the Fixer and the Doer for the man who won't do for himself.
Wishing you and your children the best of luck dealing with a difficult situation. Sjplegacy may be correct in that your ex has been misdiagnosed with AD and he really has Wernicke Korsakoff or Wernicke Encephalopathy.....so he may want to get a 2nd opinion asap. If drug use was involved as well, the AD dx may indeed be valid.
ADVERTISEMENT
He is an adult who made bad choices. We all make choices, and all choices have consequences. We are each responsible for coping with those consequences. Children make bad choices and parents (hopefully) intervene to help them learn to make better choices. But by the time we're adults, we have learned that when we make a bad choice, we need to pick ourselves up, learn from the mistake, and make a better choice--and no one is obliged to come to our rescue if we screw up.
And my hat is off to your daughter! Amazing how hard she works to make progress and live a wonderful life! WOW!
Your children need to recognize that their father (some are calling him "sperm donor"!) is an adult, and they need to stop babying him. Enabling his bad behavior by rescuing him from the consequences of his, um... stupidity... just perpetuates his broken state.
I noticed you said of Al-Anon, "been there, done that!" If you have an ongoing problem with an alcoholic in your life, you need ongoing support. I've been a member of Al-Anon for about 25 years. And sober in AA for about 30. These 12 Step Programs are not like a shopping mall where you go in, shop for just what you need, and drive home. They offer practical principles for effective daily living. I go to a meeting (now on Zoom) and always hear some bit of useful wisdom that I'd forgotten. It is so necessary for human beings to be a part of constructive, supportive communities. And golly gee, does it seem you need to learn more about detaching from the alcoholic with love! No one should be diminishing the quality of their own life caring for this uncooperative lout!
I have to tell you, if you were to attend Al-Anon and open AA meetings (where they welcome non-alcoholics) you would very quickly learn what options he has, and what options you have to relieve yourself of his care. Is he a veteran? The VA certainly can take care of him, maybe imperfectly, but they can.
In this time of Covid, there are Al-Anon and AA meetings on ZOOM all over the world. AA World Services offers a meeting guide https://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/meeting-guide.
Al-Anon also has a directory of worldwide contacts https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/worldwide-al-anon-contacts/. USE THEM!
He is a manipulative, childish, drunk. Change your telephone number. If he is bored, he is an adult, let him learn to find entertainment for himself. Tell him "AA or the highway." Really. I have no patience with this sort. And neither should you! You deserve to enjoy your life fully, without being drained by some infantile psychic vampire! Got it? ;-)
P.S. The notion that he was diagnosed with Alz is medically unsound. An active alcoholic and drug addict cannot be accurately diagnosed with any sort of neurological disorder so long as they continue to drink & drug.
I'm proud of you for being sober for so long. My ex enjoyed the camaraderie of fellow heavy drinkers and the fun they had and caused heartache for their families. He just liked that way of life that is why I divorced him. Has been 22 years divorced and just recently have helped him out but I'm already feeling smothered by the same things I did when we were married.
Why does your quadriplegic daughter help the sperm donor? Because she has misguided compassion.
How does she help him being a quadriplegic?
Why do you want to assist in the misguided compassion?
I just don't know of a facility that handles alcohol addicts with dementia that is affordable.
I’d suggest that you talk to them about the reality of what he did and what you did when they were children. Compare it with what he is asking for now. Then ask for the love YOU need now. You, your son and your daughter should turn his needs over to the State. Your daughter should not waste her limited energy on someone who just keeps sucking support from other people. Her energy could be better used in voluntary work for people with her issues, which she understands from personal experience. And PLEASE hang on to your money!
Go to YouTube and search for Korsakoff syndrome and you'll find many videos. Unfortunately, I don't think Teepa Snow has such a video. I would seek a second opinion.
If he got Long Term Care Medicaid, he could be in a facility where his needs would be met when he needs that level of care.
States that did Medicaid expansion when the ACA came into being often have waiver programs for folks who need NH level care but who want to stay in the community.
I can't make sense of what you are saying about "investment" and "insurance". He took out a whole life policy and named the kids as beneficiaries?
A certified Eldercare attorney (paid for with ex's money) should be able to straighten this out, or at least explain it to you all.
I am not at all certain he would qualify for Medicaid. I just don't understand the explanations.
If his INCOME (not assets) are over the limit, you can set up a Miller trust in some states, or you can spend down the amount on Medical care and the like.
If his ASSETS are over the limit, then he needs to spend those assets on his care until he is under the asset limit.
See All Answers