Question for full-time live-in caregivers- how do you commit?

My father had a firm rule of his own making, that no adult child could live with him and he would not live with any of us. He said he’d seen it ruin too many relationships. I remain thankful for his wisdom. You don’t have to read here on AC forum long to know the moving in has been a huge mistake for so many. It alters most all relationships for the worse. I hope you explore other alternatives

I don’t understand why you would even consider forfeiting your marriage for your mother? Why you might think that her wants trump everything else in life?do you feel obligated to put her before not just your husband & children/grandchildren but also yourself? If you move in, her health care and her needs (and wants) become your entire life. Your life will consist of you running in circles to ensure her needs and wants are met. If she can no longer live alone, it’s her decision not to move in with her children. But she’s going to have to either hire caregivers or move to assisted living. Her life decisions don’t obligate you or your sister to give up your lives & move
in with her. And I agree with alva and Joann—if she is not cooperative, you will have to wait for an emergency to happen & use it as your avenue to move her to assisted living or long term care.

You don’t want to leave your husband. You want to care for your mom. You feel stuck in the middle.

If you moved into mom’s home, how long will it be before you resent being at your mom’s house?

How long will it take before your husband resents your decision to move into your mother’s home? Would he go with you?

Would you want someone caring for you knowing that they are resentful?

I couldn’t ask my children to care for me. I don’t want to burden them. I would rather others care for me.

If your heart isn’t in it, you can’t do it. It’s hard enough for people who want to care for their parents full time.

My mom lived with us because she wasn’t able to live alone.

Mom absolutely hated being a burden on us, but was fearful of living in a facility too.

It’s hard on them and hard on us, tough all around.

Would I do it again? Mom lost her home in Hurricane Katrina. She did not have money to last in assisted living and I could not have even looked at nursing homes in the midst of the aftermath of a major catastrophic storm!

So she would have at least have had to be with me temporarily. I would not be a full time caregiver for as long as I did (15 years) if I could do it over.

Daughter1930’s father was a wise man! In our case it absolutely changed the dynamics of our relationship.

I am not telling you what to do. That is your decision. You asked for our stories and I shared mine with you.

I wish you all the best and truly hope you find what is best for you.

My husband and I moved into my mother-in-law's house about a year ago. Since then, it has been a slippery slope for all of us. At first, it wasn't so bad. We were optimistic, energetic, and willing to go above and beyond. Now, I can tell you, I am miserable. It has been very difficult emotionally, physically, and financially. Worst of all, my marriage has suffered greatly. My life feels chaotic and very much off track. I am losing myself little by little. When it's at the point where an elder needs an in-home caregiver, their condition is already pretty darn bad, but note: it only worsens from there.

Do not leave your home. Your first priority is your husband and children. You're right - leaving them does NOT compute. Don't do it.

Your mom is going to need more help than you and your sister can give her remotely. Sounds like she needs some assistance. Could hire a part-time caregiver to do a few things for/with her. When that is not enough, she will at some point need more in home care or will need to go to a nursing home. Of course she wants to live alone and stay in her home. No one wants to live in a nursing home. Yuck. BUT at some point it often becomes a NECESSITY, whether anyone like the idea or not. Safety is the priority.

My mom has lived with me for 5 years and it's put a HUGE strain on our relationship. If I could go back in time, I NEVER would have done it and will NEVER do it to my children.

Talking from experience moving my mother in with the family. My dying father’s request was to take care of my mother. So that’s what I did. Until I couldn’t any longer.  It all unraveled when I gave birth to a special needs child, got laid off and also fired from work, and mom eventually devolved to dementia. I am at my lowest now, in self esteem, alternatives and just general direction in life. I have no more life since things went downhill.  I have been a full-time caregiver for more than 15 years now, although my mother has lived with us for longer. I have not been able to connect properly with my children nor my husband…more like they have “dropped” me because I chose to carry this extra burden. It doesn’t help that I already had unresolved issues I’ve suffered through. So if you are going to do what you plan to do, please consider that you might not feel the same way down the line.  Situations will change, how you feel will change. It’s not worth it to give up your immediate family unless you are truly willing to experience that “loss.”   Solutions will have to be created, work it through with your family. Make sure to speak up for yourself, and what you are willing to give. Don't allow yourself to get run over, like I did, take care of yourself as well.

Mom needs to make the decision to go to an AL if she can afford it. Its now what she needs not what she wants. She needs to see how her needs are effecting you and your sister. I understand wanting to stay in her home but it no longer is possible. She needs 24/7 care and you should not have to give up your family to do it.

Like Alva says you may have to wait until something happens. She winds up in the Hospital, the rehab. Then u have her evaluated. If 24/7 care is recommended then the choice is made for her, an AL or LTC.

Do not even consider it. If you move forward there will be no turning back and only end up creating more havoc. I get wanting to care for parents but we made it to the point it was actually doing more harm than good.

My sister-in-law let her mom live alone--as per her wishes--she fell, broke her hip and was on the ground for days before anybody knew. She too was in her 90's with no Alzheimer's. After long hospitalization, where she caught a superbug, she died. By the way she had home cameras...but fell out of sight of them.

One single fall is often the "game changer". Also, living by herself, she is easy pickings for any home invader. Someone wanting meth money will not hesitate to injure or kill an elderly person for a few bucks. That is the world we are living in.

My 97 year old Mom lives alone in a senior apartment. My sis and I convinced her to move 5 minutes away into a senior apartment. She wants no part of AL. To say it’s frustrating would be an understatement! She still talks of buying another house even though both sis and I have offered to have her move in with us. NO! She is too independent! Between sis and I we have every day of the week covered but we can’t and won’t live there. Every time I leave she is crying! She’s so lonely. But she won’t accept help from anyone but us. It’s so depressing to sit with her and listen day in and day out about her health problems. She has some memory loss but can carry on an intelligent conversation for hours and hours. I feel like I have no life left in me. I still have a high schooler at home but am so depressed I can’t think of anything that would be fun to do. Pretty much my husband and daughter ignore me to save me from venting at them. Thank God I found this forum before I made the mistake of living with her. She’ll never move in with me and someday she’ll have an accident and go to a nursing home. I’m sure I sound cold hearted but she’s controlled me my whole life. Her doctor told me “she’s the child now, you’re the parent “. Well she needs to be in a NH but I don’t have guardianship and no judge is going to put her there. So we’re at a stand-off. Hold your ground and fight for your family. They’re all your going to have left. Hugs to you.