BIL wants to have my deceased sister's ashes dug up and moved. Is it legal for him to do this?

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Gerardy Asked January 2021

BIL wants to have my deceased sister's ashes dug up and moved. Is it legal for him to do this?

I realize this isn't an aging care question but I appreciate the feedback I've read on this forum in the past from the various perspectives and experts. My sister passed away Nov '19 and her ashes are buried in my parent's burial lot. My BIL, which has basically become estranged by me and my siblings due to his strange behavior, now wants to move my sister's ashes to another burial lot. This is in NY State. BIL claims that he is not pleased with her grave marker and the cemetery is saying that they cannot allow a larger marker. I cannot confirm it but other family members say that my sister's wish was to be buried with my parents. So my question is it legal for my BIL to do this?

End of Life Funeral Planning Relationships

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score 2 · Answer 1

Gerardy, since your sister had wished to be buried with her parents, that is where she should continue to stay.

Your sister's husband may find that State Law could prohibit removing the urn without a Court Order. In either case, if no Court Order is needed, he would need to hire a licensed company come in to open/close the plots which could be expensive, plus ordering a new headstone, and removal of the old headstone if just her name is on said stone and not her parents. If all three names are on the stone, that's another issue. If he has already purchased a new plot, sounds like he wishes to be buried together with his late wife.

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Also depending on the city/state/county, of no court order is needed, BIL may have to get permits in order to have the remains exhumed.

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score 0 · Answer 2

I am with worried here. It is going to cost him to have the grave dug up and to place her in another plot. Even though its just an Urn Cemeteries are getting strict now people are opting for cremation. It cost almost or as much to open a plot for cremation as it does for a casket. He has every right to do what he wants but he needs to check with the Cemetery staff to see what it costs to proceed.

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score 2 · Answer 3

Very sorry for your loss. My sister died in 2019 as well. For what’s it worth I will just tell our story. My BIL has not chosen a headstone for my sister yet. We have talked about it and he says it makes it so final as it is the last thing to do. I also think he wants to make it so perfect as a way to show his love. My mother never misses an opportunity to criticize him for taking so long. Ironically she has not chosen a headstone for my youngest sister who died in 2010. Seems like to me headstones are a very difficult part of the grieving process. Personally I would let it go.

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score 0 · Answer 4

Yes it’s legal if he was her spouse. He has rights here, her siblings do not. But that doesn’t mean he will actually be able to move her—it’s a process and it’s not cheap either.

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Thank you. Good info.

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score 1 · Answer 5

So sorry about your sister. I would consult an attorney. Does your sister specify where she wanted to be buried? Prayers sent to you.

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score 1 · Answer 6

Your sister was his wife, so I this relationship trumps whatever the other family members want unless she had something specific written in her Will about her burial request. I agree with Alva that it's not worth wrangling over. May you and your family gain peace in your hearts over this matter.

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Thank you, good points.

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score 3 · Answer 7

It is just my guess, but I believe that your BIL if he placed your Sister in burial is likely free to have her ashes moved. Your Sister is gone. I would not waste a lot of time worrying about her wishes for placement of her ashes; no harm will come to her by any action taken now with her remains. Try to find comfort in that. I am sorry about the pain and estrangement.

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Thank you. Good points.

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BIL wants to have my deceased sister's ashes dug up and moved. Is it legal for him to do this?

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