While visiting my mother in memory care, how do I make the most of the visit without upsetting her?

Personally, I think 1 hour is way too long to visit with a memory care resident. I window visit my 94 y/o mother for about 25-30 minutes every Sunday, weather permitting, and by the time that time period is up, we are more than ready to leave & she is more than ready to HAVE us leave. I bring my husband b/c he's another distraction, and distractions are ideal for people with dementia. He always trots out his phone with photos of the grandchildren which is good for a few minutes of distraction, before she's back to complaining or asking the same questions. I don't believe you can 'plan' things for such a visit, because frankly, who knows WHAT to expect when you see her. Who knows what kind of mood she'll be in, and any 'activity' you bring isn't likely to be doable anyway, let's face it. I suppose you can bring photo albums, but my mother personally hates looking at photo albums. I'm not sure if it reminds her of 'the good old days' or what, but I've had to remove the albums from her room or she'd have thrown them out. So we play it by ear, taking turns on what to say to her to keep her on an even keel. It's stressful, I'm not gonna lie.

Don't tell your mother that her parents have died. She'll just get to relive that trauma each time she 'remembers' it. Tell her they're 'on the farm' or 'at the house' or whatever, it doesn't matter. Same thing like you're telling her about your dad. Keep the news light & fluffy and keep her happy and not agitated, that is the goal. If/when things get heated, leave. Let her know you love her and you'll talk to her 'later'. Even when I speak to my mother on the phone and she gets upset, I let her know that I'll be hanging up and I'll speak to her at another time. Last night, for instance, she was agitated and telling me how she wanted to throw herself out of her wheelchair & 'break both of her legs' so I felt it would be useless to continue that line of talk, for obvious reasons. When she gets like that, I'm not entertaining the behavior.

It really is a mess, ALL of this dementia. For them AND for us. Nobody wins and we ALL suffer. Try to minimize YOUR discomfort as well as hers. Keep the visits brief and as cheerful as possible. Try bringing some snacks, like you said.......food is the one thing my mother loves. Most times. Unless I bring her hot food which the 'stupid caregivers can never heat up properly and then I have to sit there like a boob while everyone else is eating, waiting for MY food.' So the hot food meals I've stopped bringing. Wing it. If it doesn't work, ditch it.

Good luck. It's not easy, that's for sure

Learn to follow her reality and that will lead the conversation. My mother has an invisible husband (she's completely forgotten my late dad), and I tell her he's at work when she wonders where he is.

It took me a while to realize that since the Invisible Husband was in reality her first high school boyfriend, my mother thinks she's about 16 years old now. She doesn't think that consistently, as she also knows I'm her daughter, but talking about her parents as though they're dead would be devastating to a 16-year-old girl, so of course I would never tell her they've been gone for fifty years.

I wouldn't try too hard to have planned activities and conversations with your mom. It takes some practice, but just let her reality lead the way and you can have satisfying visits. Just don't talk about anyone as being dead. My mother has lost multiple relatives since her dementia began, and there's absolutely no good purpose in telling her about them. (In fact, I kind of like the idea that they're still with us.)

My mother eventually got where she could not carry on a conversation so I started reading to her. I read from the Bible and discovered she would smile when I read from the book of Psalms. She had written a lot of poems in her life and I would read those to her. Mainly I believe she just enjoyed hearing my voice. She may not have remembered my face but somewhere down in there she remembered my voice.

I was a volunteer for Hospice for over 8 years, and when I had a patient in a memory care facility, I always brought along some big picture books, that we could look at together, along with whatever kind of music they liked that I could play for them on a portable CD player, if needed. I would also take them for walks around the facility, and weather permitting outside as well. I remember one of the sweet gentlemen I was visiting, after we had looked at one of the books, he just wanted to sit and hold my hand, while he watched TV. Just do whatever feels comfortable for you, and cherish this precious time you get to be with your mom. God bless you.

“He's on the golf course”, great answer. I think you're getting it. You entered her reality and gave her an acceptable answer. Do the rest for her other questions, it's the key for responding to some one with dementia. When asking about her mom and dad, one response could be “I haven't seen them in a while”, or “Oh, they're doing fine”, and redirect her thoughts. Don't use the past tense, speak as though they're still alive.

And your suggestions for your hour long visits are right on the mark. Bring some picture books to page thru like one of flowers or babies or dogs. Snacks you can share are also good and how about family albums to do some reminiscing? Cards, unless they're picture cards, and puzzles might be too much but you can try. If you can load some songs of her generation on your phone, she might enjoy listening to them.

I know an hour a week doesn't seem enough but it maybe too long. They tire out, get tired of sitting or just don't want to talk. I would say no more than 1/2 hour. My Mom was 5 min up the road, before COVID, and I spent 15 to 30 min with her. Like said, let her lead the conversation.

I personally had a hard time talking to my Mom. I was more comfortable talking to the other residents with Mom next to me. She seemed interested in what was being said but not talkative. If she did talk, and I answered she would give me a "what!" look. Why, because her brain had gone on to something else. My daughter though would just let her go and say "nice Mom Mom, oh yeah" She may tell her how her day was going just random things. When M came into the room Moms eyes would light up. When my daughter left, she would tell Mom she was going to work. She seemed to be OK with that. We never said we r going going home.

Take her favorite snack, magazines with pretty pictures, play cards. My MIL passed away in 1996. My FIL, who was the meanest man this world has ever known, would call in the middle of the night asking where she was. My DH would tell him she died, which FIL didn't believe and would curse and hangup. After the 4th call in 5 minutes, I'd answer and tell him she had gone to Rochester and would be back in the morning. That seemed to satisfy him. So tell your mom that her mom and dad went to town and they will be back in a day or so. Same with her hubby. Try to make it something they would have done, work related, or family related. Don't try to convince her they are dead. It won't work and it will just upset her. Sending you huge amounts of patience because I empathize with the frustration of repetitive questions. I sometimes go out on the porch and scream after the 47th time I'm asked the same thing. Big hugs to you.

I would think it best not to remind her of anyone's passing as she's not going to remember anyway.
Juse say they are somewhere.

Musing is soothing. Play music that she use to like as a back ground as you talk and do an activity.

Bring a book to read, Games to play like cards, bingo, domino's or whatever she use to like.

She might like to try a paint by number picture.

Did she ever knit?

Bring pictures to look at.

Ask her to tell you a story about something in her life like how she met her husband, what she liked best in school, what she likes to eat, ect...make a big list of questions and things to talk about.

See if ya'll are allowed to go outside for a puc nic.

My 96 yr old Dad always enjoys a foot massage from me.

My Dad also enjoys me bringing him a treat like a shake or a doughnut.

My mom is in memory care. I see her 2x a week in the safe zone behind a glass wall. We talk tk each other with phones. She is 87. Her mother died 26 years ago and her sister 13 years ago. The reason why they don't remember that their LOs have died is just simply because they can not remember going to the funeral. My mom told me many times that no one told her that they died and asked me if she went. So when she asks me if I have talked to them I now tell her that I call both of them 1x a week and that they are doing well and they said to tell her hello. She likes this answer.
It is very hard to hold a conversation. She says she doesn't have anything to say. She can't remember from 5 seconds to the next. So I do all the talking.
I am glad you asked your question. I can't wait till I am able to go in to see her. The answers were a big help to me.

As I had mentioned once before, when my mother's aunt asked how my mother's parents were doing (my maternal grandmother being the sister), my mother would say "oh, they're about the same"--not reminding her that they had been dead for over a decade. That seemed to satisfy her aunt, who asked no further questions (and as my mother used to joke, she was actually telling the truth!).