Mom’s dementia and her house. Any guidance on what to do?

Might want to talk to an Elder Care Attorney first but...
mom has dementia she can not make a decision.
If she has been declared incompetent she legally can not make a decision.
Family decision time about all the "stuff"
Divide up what family wants. (try not to kill each other in the process.)
Pack up what is to be saved.
Sell what no one wants
Donate what will not sell.
Sell the house. Must be at Fair Market Value.
Money to be used for Mom's care.

There’s no reason to feel guilty for packing up the house and selling it. Is it sad? Definitely! But is it wrong? No.

Your indecision on what to do isn’t about the house itself... it’s that selling it would make it ‘real’ that Mom is incapacitated and life will never go back to how it was before. That you will lose her eventually. And those are hard things to accept.

Thing is, the memories and love you had in the house won’t end! You can keep those forever. The house is just a frame around a picture of your life, if that makes sense. Take the picture out of the frame, and it’s the same picture, yes?

Everyone will have a different opinion regarding “elder care,” but that’s because each situation is unique.

I can only share my personal experience with my parents’ home. My mom passed in 2012 (Parkinson’s disease and pneumonia). At the time of her death, my dad was in nursing care (prostate cancer that spread to the hip and possibly other areas—he passed in 2016). Because we knew that he wasn’t returning home, we began to make plans regarding the house. I was POA, and the legal documents stated that I could make financial decisions including sale of property, etc.

Because my dad still had most of his mental faculties, I wanted to show him what the cost was for “maintaining” his empty house. I knew that if the house remained unoccupied, there would be a much higher insurance premium to pay. Once I showed him the bottom line, he agreed that it was time to sell the house.

The first thing I did was clean up some of the spaces and had a realtor come in to give us some ideas on possible updates we could do that would bring a higher resale value. We also had an inspection done, so we wouldn’t be surprised by major problems (there were several). Dad had enough money that could be used to update his basement and make it a liveable space, so we planned for that. There are 5 kids in my family and I discussed all of this with them. It wasn’t required, but I wanted to include them.

Before the remodel, we hired a company to do an estate sale. I had all my siblings decide what items were of sentimental value or that they just wanted to own and I had them remove the items before the Estate Sale. Whatever was left after the sale, the siblings rummaged through a second time and choose items for themselves or their kids, and the rest we donated.

Next came the remodel, which included touching up the trim on the outside of the house, updating some landscaping (my husband did this, since he owns a garden center), repairs made to a fireplace, treatment for termites and pests, some roofing needs, and completely painting the interior of the house to make it clean and fresh looking. We also worked through the checklist of recommendations by the home inspector. Once completed, we had a realtor come back to arrange for selling the house.

Once the house was nearly ready to sell, my brother and I took our dad through the house so that he could see the updates and have his moments (as we all needed) to recall fond memories and recognize that another family would now make their own memories in the house. It was a sweet time, even though months later Dad had forgotten that we put the house up for sale.

None of this is easy for those who have had fond memories of their family home and all the gatherings, parties, friendships, holidays, etc. But holding on when it’s past time to let go, is even more exhausting and emotional.

We sold the house to a young couple. My daughter and I revisited the house about 2 years later. The owner was so sweet to walk us through and show us the updates they had made. They had a son and the owner was so thrilled to be in this house raising her son. She said that she wanted this home to be their forever home and hoped to fill it with several children in the coming years. New family memories in our old family house—couldn’t be a better ending!

You could also take pictures of the house, the yard, family heirlooms, both inside and out and make a photo album of it. You could gather pictures from when it was newer, and some of the great family celebrations that took place there, and make a book called "The House that Love Built, 405 Street Drive", and get mom to tell you stories about the pictures and then type the stories into the book. Shutterfly has great options for making books. Then when it's finished, Mom can have a copy and any other family members who want a copy can purchase their own from Shutterfuly.

Westsign, are you paying for empty house insurance?   Is there any consideration for renting the house and applying the rentals towards maintenance and your mother's fees at wherever she's living?

We were in this same situation in 2019 and it was so hard to decide what to do. This was our family home built by our parents and where we all grew up. It was also 50 years old and there were so many memories within those walls. But, it became clear that it wasn't safe for Mom to go back and the house was sitting vacant. We knew it was just a question of time before things would start to deteriorate. Already the mice had made a nice home for themselves. So, we decided to clean it out and put it on the market. We kept all the things that meant something to us and gave away a lot. The house sold just before everything shut down last year and, while it is still painful to drive by, I knew it was the right thing to do. We still had the memories from our time there and it was time for another family to make their own memories.

My Mom passed away in December and I realized that going through all the personal things and selling the house while she was still alive was one step toward letting go. I was so glad I had that behind me so I could grieve her loss without also grieving the loss of the house I grew up in.

Everyone's decision is, of course, a personal one that is best for them and their family. I wish you peace in whatever you chose to do.

It truly isn't good to have an empty house. They deteriorate rapidly and things get missed. If a family member wishes to live there as "caretaker" you may want to consider that. As to things that can be eliminated in an overcrowded house you will know what that is. Take it slowly. The number of duplicate photos I have elminated alone in an evening isn't nothing. So take it slow and begin to haul things away a bit at a time. You will know what records need to be kept, and for how many years. Get rid of the rest of it. I sure wish you luck in this. If you are POA you can work on this. I don't know that I would sell. Any assets might preclude Mom from getting assistance. Her medicaid if she gets it will recover funds upon sale of the home after her demise. As you say, she is confused, but remember, that long term memory can last.
You can only do what you can do. I wish you luck.

Like many others have said, start packing. Do the obvious, no brainer things first. Take out trash, any items of furniture that are damaged that would not sell to anyone. Get it all out of there. Then take a rest and evaluate. Are there items you want? If so get them out of there. Be very careful not to think EVERYTHING is so sentimental you can't part with it. The items are not your memories. If you don't have a place for it in your home to give it the honored space and use it deserves, than sell it to someone who will use it. After you clear out the belongings, then have a realtor/appraiser/inspector come and do an evaluation on the home from sale value and/or rental value. Maybe you aren't ready to sell it yet, but perhaps you could rent it to a young family who needs a break and rent it to them for enough to cover the utilities, upkeep and taxes, until mom passes? I have a friend who is currently renting her aunt's home while the aunt take care/lives with her mother. It's a win-win for the family. Think outside the box.
We have downsized my aunt/uncle from a 4000 sq ft farm/house, to a 2 bedroom IL apartment. They took WAY more than they needed, and have some of it in storage. It's hard to see your beloved possessions go to another person, but sometimes it's necessary. I am a Bible Believing Christian and I like to think of it like the parable of the talents--we need to use the gifts we've been given and invest them, not just store them up.

I think the idea of making a memory book of the house and its good times is a wonderful thought! So, start taking a lot of photos before you dispose of the contents.

As another poster wrote, "Your indecision on what to do isn’t about the house itself... it’s that selling it would make it ‘real’ that Mom is incapacitated and life will never go back to how it was before."

I went through a similar thing with my father, who had vascular dementia. Interestingly, I just stepped in and "did what needed to be done." But my older brother was in denial, and kept thinking that we could just have aides come in to assist him with his care and he would be okay living alone in the house. He seemed oblivious to the fact that it was "unsafe" for dad to do this as he was getting more and more confused with each passing month.

Thanks again everyone for your input. I guess as hard as it is I will have to take steps on emptying the house. The harsh reality of Dementia is Mom will never be the same. Most of the time she doesn’t remember what we talked about 5 minutes ago. It’s been one of the hardest thing i have had to deal with. I feel bad for my Mom as well and her inability to function like before. I thank everyone again for sharing because I know it need to let go too.