How do you explain to your father that the nursing home is his new home?

You can explain gently over and over again; it does sound as though your Dad isn't retaining it. I am sorry as it seems like having to give the same bad news over and over, which is exactly what it actually is. You will simply tell him that it isn't safe for him to live alone anymore, and that he cannot return home, that this is his new home. There is no way to make this "right" because in all truth, it is heartbreaking. But it is a fact of life; life is, when you think of it, full of heartbreaking events. It is just that at the end of life there is no upside. Nothing is going to get better. It is loss after loss after loss of dignity, of choice, of our very minds and selves. No fix it moments. Just loss. It is worth your both grieving. I am so sorry.

When I went to visit my godmother in her nursing home she didn’t understand what was going on.

She had ALZ and it broke my heart to watch her mind deteriorate.

I agree to let her lead in the conversation and to go along with it. it’s hard to know what they will accept or reject.

It’s more important for you to fully accept that you have done your best by allowing your father to be cared for by a professional staff.

I hope you find peace knowing that he is safe in his environment.

Take comfort in knowing that he lived a full life before his sad and unfortunate decline.

Understand that you don’t have the power to change any of this.

It is heartbreaking and no one is making light of his situation.

Your unrest is a normal transition that many go through.

It took me quite awhile before I could go see my godmother without crying.

We are grieving for the person that has lost the ability to reason and communicate with us as they did before.

Charlene63, I agree with the other posters regarding the "therapeutic fib", it was a win-win solution for me regarding my Mom.

My Mom [98] use to think her nursing home was a motel and she was visiting the State where she was raised. Mom use to ask to go visit her parents, so I would say "they are visiting the old country" and Mom was pleased that her parents were on vacation. I had to be quick on the draw whenever Mom asked to go visit her sisters, the fib had to match their life style.

SO DIFFICULT, but yes, it is in fact “the only way”.

It may be helpful FOR YOU, to attempt to connect, for the time being, with someone in his care staff who works with him more often than others.

What you are doing to yourself just now is actually empathizing much too much with what you assume he’d be thinking, IF HE WERE WELL. The painful fact is, that he is NOT able to reason and comprehend and recall, so your painful thinking is mostly yours, and likely very little his. Confusion yes, suffering? NO.

It is very VERY unusual indeed for a new resident NOT to want to be picked up, taken home, taken to the place he’d left, or thinks he’d left.

The job of the loving, heart broken caregiver who has realized that for his safety and personal welfare HE HAD TO BE REMOVED from his previous environment and relocated to the BEST SITUATION that you, that Caregiver, could find, IS TO STAY IN HIS MOMENT.

You must consciously commit to leaving him be for the first few days, because he WILL expect you to “save” him, and your common sense knows that you have done what HAD TO BE DONE, with love and respect for him.

I LOATHE the coyness of “the white lie”, so if you do too, refocus on staying with him, in HIS thoughts, where HE is. DON’T struggle to “explain”. If he thinks he’s staying in a hotel? Go with that. It has been a helpful and comforting “place” for my LO.

If he’s restless- “too cold” “too late” “not ready”.......WHATEVER GIVES HIM a few moments of peace.

AND- for yourself, limit the attempts to contact him. Everything that was difficult a year ago is many times worse because of the virus.

In a couple days, ask the staff if there’s anything they think he might want to hear about in a phone call, then give it a shot.

Always remember- you suffer in this stage far more than he. Take GOOD CARE of yourself. Many of us have felt as you do, and we understand.

I agree with Windyridge about using "therapeutic fibs". I suggest not calling every day. They need to settle in. Get a schedule of events for their facility to see what's going on and encourage them to attend (if they can remember). Teepa Snow has some very informative videos on YouTube to learn more about cognitive decline and dementia. I think it will help you understand it better so that you're not beating yourself up over things that you cannot change or improve. May you receive peace in your heart along this journey.

It may take some fibbing. With my mom and dad I had to tell mom she was in assisted living just until she got better. With dad, whose dementia was pretty bad at that point, I told him mom needs you here to help her. When that wore thin I’d tell them I was replacing flooring in the house or plumbing was leaking, roof damaged, whatever worked.

With dementia reasoning won’t work. I tried having heart to heart talks with mom about why she was there, she could get it for the moment but by lunch she was asking again, thus the fibs at that point on.