How do I acquire more patience taking care of my father in law when I don't like him as a person?

I actually went through this same issue with my MIL. She was a very cold and selfish person, often just plain cruel. After my FIL passed away, she came to live with us. It didn't take long to realize that was a huge mistake. My breaking point was when my son explained his "safe zones" in the house, which were basically where his grandmother wasn't. I realized my MIL had options on where she could live, our son did not. We were making his home life miserable. So, we helped her find a more suitable living arrangement. Was she happy? Not really, but she was never happy anyway. But we got our home back, and our son didn't feel a need to hide in the basement.

Put your immediate family first. You'll all be happier.

Hi, Mom!

Everyone here is giving good advice and I hope I won't over-step when I weigh in on this too.

First, you are NOT being an a******!! You have a husband and kids (and yourself!)--all of you need to come first. My FIL was EXACTLY like you describe. When he got sick after my MIL died, I told my husband I would take him and I still had two children at home. He said no. He told me that a man like that would ruin my life and our marriage and he wasn't willing to do that. My FIL went into a facility, and my husband was right. He tortured everyone who ever cared for him, calling them the names he used to reserve for the women in the family.

Some people can't be helped. Some don't appreciate the help given. You've done your stint in hell. Think of how differently you'd feel if he were different. You'd still be exhausted--you do a LOT. But you would be calmer, happier, and feel better about yourself than you do now. He brought a lot of this on himself.

Please take care of yourself.
--Essie

Having your FIL living with you when his own son has a questionable relationship with him isn't a good idea anymore, if it ever was to begin with. With worsening dementia at play, it's probably a good idea to look into placing him in a Memory Care Assisted Living residence now. When you don't like a person, and already have too much on your plate, how you can get past all the patience issues and turn into someone with a great attitude is beyond me. I could never do it, and I know that, so I placed both of my own folks in AL back in 2014 when they needed lots of care. My dad passed in 15 and my 94 y/o mother is still alive and living in the Memory Care bldg of the same ALF nowadays. With her worsening dementia and lots of other issues including being wheelchair bound, there is NO WAY I could ever care for her here at my home. It's just too much. She and I would be fighting all day long and we'd make ourselves miserable in the process of daily life.

Know yourself, know your limitations, and don't try to get blood from a turnip. Dementia usually reaches a point where in-home care becomes impossible for most of us humans, and this may be that time for you & your FIL. If placement is not possible for whatever reason, then find a good therapist who can teach you some coping skills, and get out of the house for several hours a day after you hire in-home caregivers to relieve you (or whoever is doing his primary caregiving now).

Wishing you the best of luck moving forward.

These are not YOUR parents and your DH isn't doing much, if anything to help you with the constant stress and work of caring for his dad.

I highly doubt you can change HIM...in fact, if he's happy with the current dynamic, you are in for an epic fail.

Your first priority is your own family. whether you think so or not, your anger and frustration about caring for FIL is seen by the kids. And they may come to resent grandpa and how much time of yours he takes.

A big issue is that DH isn't stepping up to help. That has to rankle the soul. My Dh didn't/couldn't help with his dad at his EOL. He just fell apart and let me handle it all and then was critical of what I was doing and how I was treating him. I refused to let FIL move in with us and DH still reminds me of that, 16 years later.

Time for FIL to move to a community setting where he can be dealt with by professionals who won't crash and burn b/c one of their clients is grouchy. He probably won't be 'happy' but then, what would you expect of him? At least he'd be somewhere with safe care and 3 meals a day and probably some grouchy old guys who will be his best buddies.

Just b/c at one period of time, you felt that you could/should have MIL and FIL live with you doesn't mean it's still the best dynamic.

You'll completely burn out and he won't even notice nor care. Doesn't make him a bad person, that kind of behavior is normal, yet annoying.

Prioritize your life and put FIL where he will be 'like' the people he's around. He can still be a part of your family, wherever he goes.

Good Luck!

I am worried about the number of women who write in about caring for their inlaws. Your inlaws are the primary responsibility of your husband and his siblings; not yours. Early in our marriage, my husband and I came to an agreement that I care for mine and he is responsible for his. We both had difficult mothers that we set strong boundaries with early on, including the fact that we would not be taking care of parents in our home due to child responsibilities and very stressful careers. Our goal was to ensure that our parents were well taken care of by others in whatever way fit their lifestyle and finances and we would provide added support when needed. This is not the 1950's where women were the primary caregivers. We have jobs, children, spouses, and ourselves to care for. Start these conversations early with your spouses and parents in hopes of preventing the crisis that this woman and so many others find themselves in. VirginaMom of 5, it is time to sit down with your husband and have a frank conversation about what the caring of your FIL is doing to your marriage and family life. Discuss other options for his care outside the home and be firm in setting boundaries. There is no reason that you are obligated to personally care for him. Your husband has the obligation to discuss boundaries and options with his Dad; not you.

You don't develop more patience - you accept you made an error trying to do the best thing and he has to move out. Where to depends on his needs for care, but he is not your responsiblity. Personally I think your husband must be a saint to have gone along with you and allowed them to move in in the first place - its time to worry about your husband and move this man out of your lives.
Am I hard about this - YES - having grown up in a household with a mother like your husband's father I still tried to do the right thing and have her to live with us when she needed care - within 3 years it was her or me and I had to admit I have been stupid through a sense of duty and although it caused a few months very unpleasant behaviour (and confused stupidity which had to be sorted out) she went into a AL facility - we still have odd weeks where we have to deal with anti behaviour (I feel for the staff she is so rude and obnoxious to them) but at least there is sanity in our home for my husband.

When my MIL moved across country suddenly to be near us and away from her "ungrateful" daughter who "didn't have time for her". I wept. We were the good kids for a nano second and she began to find fault with US. She moved into a house about 5 minutes away. We were working full time...my husband had a part time evening job too. Two kids, etc. First thing: two elderly aunts on my husband's side cornered us at a wedding and warned my husband to NOT let my MIL ruin our marriage. Thankfully, he listened. He cared for her, dropped by several times a day, but told her NOT to come by our house without calling. I helped out too ...my own mother was having issues as well. Our son moved in with her for a few years to keep an eye out, take her to appointments, fix meals, manage meds, etc. Finally, when she became too ill to manage on her own, she went into care. Enough is enough. Talk with your husband and make new arrangements. If you become ill, then what? Wishing you the best!

The question isn't how to acquire more patience. The real question is how to remove him from your home. He's 78... he could live another 15+ years, and he is the sort who is too mean to die. That same anger kept my grandmother alive 94 years!

You had good intentions, but this is a mistake, and that happens. You gave it an honest effort with him living with you, but it is not working. You could have the patience of Jesus himself and it still wouldn't be enough to continue this.

How much hands-on work is your husband doing with him? Does he have any interest in mending their relationship? Doesn't sound like it, from what you say here. He isn't interested enough to take care of FIL, anyway. That's been thrown on you. You've been given another child to take care of.

As for your kids... I don't know their ages, but consider what they're witnessing. They're seeing their mother be disrespected by their grandfather. Do you want them thinking that this is normal? Would you like it if they grew up to have a spouse like your FIL? Because they're learning that it's okay to walk all over Mom.

If you have sons, they'll learn this is how wives/moms are to be treated. It's what women are there for, to serve and treat harshly.

If you have daughters, they'll learn it's okay to be walked upon and disrespected. That they must never show anger or emotion or objection at being mistreated. Just smile and make nice, be sweet and patient, be a people pleaser, just be quiet! Because she learned from your home that she isn't worth defending and abuse is okay.

Hey, if granddad can do it, why can't they?

Correcting them will be a lot harder since they aren't learning by example... no point in telling them to be polite, respectful, etc if it keeps happening in the home. And you keep allowing it.

You're approaching this in a casual "omg I'm exhausted haha" manner and this is concerning. It sounds like you've already gotten accustomed to being treated badly. This stuff is not a joke and I fear you're not seeing how serious this is. It's causing what could amount to permanent damage to your marriage and kids. It's already damaged you!

FIL needs 30-60 days and he needs to be out no later than that.

It sounds like you need some help, too! If you get burned out, you'll not be able to care for yourself or others. Your first responsibility is to your husband and family. Dementia can get worse, and he may require more care in the future. Could you handle that? It may be time to re-evaluate his living situation. Can you get aides to help, so that you get breaks? Is it time for him to move to assisted living? Can you and your husband talk to him to see how he feels about it? Some people prefer assisted living, as they will have people around them their own age. If his dementia is severe, he may not understand or be able to think logically about this. Get connected with a social worker and elder support groups in your neighborhood so that you know what your options are. When someone has dementia, their personality can change, although it sounds like he was always like you describe. You can't take things personally. There may be a time when he won't even recognize you and your husband. My mother with advanced dementia can't do anything for herself. She needs to be fed, needs assistance going to the bathroom, showering, can't walk any more and has to go around in a wheel chair, etc. Try not to feel guilty about your decision. Situations change and you have to be realistic about how much you can handle.

I'm wondering why you feel obligated to continue on with his care in your house, when you yourself said that your husband doesn't have much of a relationship with him,(and he's his father, not yours) and if you're honest he probably could care less either way.
Your husband and your children should be your number one and only priority. It's time for your FIL to move out. I don't know if your husband will help you find the appropriate facility for him or not, but that needs to be done ASAP. The damage it's doing to you and your family, having him in the same house, is not good or healthy for all involved.
I wish you the very best as you find your FIL a new place to live.