I don’t know what to do!!! Does anyone have advice?

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cmartimz77 Asked February 2021

I don’t know what to do!!! Does anyone have advice?

Hello. I am in a very hard spot. I am thirty years old and since I was 19 I have been taking care of my mother who became paralyzed form the waist down. Normally as long is the injury isn’t a complete spinal cord injury, people can be very active live on their own and have fairly normal lives. But my mom is morbidly obese and that makes her not be able to compensate to her limitations so I have been taking care of her. She has become very demanding over the years and wants me to do everything for her. On top of this my grandmother had a stroke and we think she has dementia and my mother has made the choice not to put her in a nursing home, But because of her situation she can’t care for her so I am stuck taking on that as well. My father works and uses that as a Excuse not to take any responsibility to help even when he is not working. I have reached the point of burn out. They have effected me getting a full time job the past 13 years or having a social life. I want to get married and have kids but I don’t know how to juggle working, family and taking care of two people all the time. Not to mention I need to work so I have social security and savings when I am old and they are all dead and in the ground?

Burnout Family Caregiver Mental Health

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score 3 · Answer 1

It is hard to believe parents would do this to their children, but it happens all the time. I'm with the others saying you MUST leave. Give then 1 month notice (so that your dad can get something in place. If he doesn't then that's HIS problem, not yours so don't stay a day longer). Even if you don't have a job yet, get out even if it means couch-surfing at a relative's home. The good news is that there's a labor shortage so I feel hopeful that you can find a job. Your parents will go into overdrive guilting and pressuring you. Just pop in some earbuds and do not listen to it, or retire to your room and lock it. If anyone in your house makes threats to you, do not hesitate to call 911. I wish you much courage and wisdom and peace in your heart that you are doing the right and moral thing.

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score 1 · Answer 2

The only thing worse would be you’re 35 or 40 years old & in same boat & possibly adding your father to the list of people to be a caregiver for. By the way, dementia gets worse & if anything like my mother...becomes violent!

Make up your mind to take care of yourself first. Clear your head...hire from an agency or Social services a caregiver... & then go on vacation. This situation will only get worse because you’re the family “ doormat “ they made that out of you.

I have an idea...start your own Homecare agency business....or get a CNA ....at least it’s something that you have experience in....or you may want to go in a completely different direction....

Come back here & tell us how your life has improved & have joy.
HUGS 🤗

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score 2 · Answer 3

You don't mention your culture. Is it typical of your culture that you would be required to care for your disabled parents? Probably not.
Time to take a vacation. Tell your parents that in a week you are taking a 2 week vacation. Find someone who will take you in for a short while. Or, if you have a little money, rent a hotel room in a nice town about 150 miles away.
Do not come home until the 2 weeks is up. This is a chance for your parents to see what life is like without you.
While you are gone, think clearly about your situation and how you can escape this abusive relationship. Realize that as you plan to go your parents will threaten everything including cutting you off from the family. The closer it gets to the time you leave for your own life, the more desperate the threats will become.
Do not accept violence upon your person. Call the cops if your father strikes you. Do not attach yourself to a man who will expect the same slavery you are currently in. You need to live on your own to find out what that is like. There are usually two sides to every story, but you need to be on your own, no matter what your parents say. Good luck.

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score 2 · Answer 4

YOu need to leave. If you have to, look into women's shelters near you. Even if you do not want to live there, they can give you advice. Get a job. In most states, it can be hard to evict you, and you can at least save up money to rent a room somewhere. These people are not going to take care of you when you are old, and you will not get social security

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score 3 · Answer 5

I'm afraid you will need to leave before anything can change. Not only your situation, but your grandmother's and your mother's too. It will be hard but my goodness it will be worth it - for all of you.

You know, I'm glad that you figured this out for yourself at thirty. There are people who don't wake up to what's happening until it's far too late and they can't get their lives back. Well done to you, and I hope the new therapist works out.

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score 2 · Answer 6

First I have to say, you are NOT responsible for your mom or your grandmother. Let me say it again, you are NOT responsible for your mom or you grandmother. You have your own life to live and for 13 years you've not been able to do that, because your family has put unrealistic expectations on you, preventing you from living the life you deserve. This has got to stop!!! Enough is enough!!! Your grandmother needs to be placed in the appropriate facility ASAP, and you need to move out on your own, get a job, and start having a life, so you can someday get married, have children and whatever else you would like. If your father is not able to give your mom the care she needs, then it is up to him(not you) to figure out what needs to be done, so his wife is taken care of. He can hire caregivers to come in during the day when he is at work, and then he can take over her care when he gets home. It is heartbreaking that your parents have allowed this abuse of you for all this time, and even more heartbreaking that you have allowed it. Please get some therapy,(after you move out)to help you figure out why you have allowed this to go on for so long, and don't ever let your parents suck you back into their home or care. God bless you my dear.

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score 3 · Answer 7

I’m so sorry your family is manipulating and using you in this way. This shouldn’t be your life, you shouldn’t be obligated to provide care to either person, and a loving, caring family wouldn’t want this for you. I hope you’ll gather the courage to change this dynamic. It’s definitely time for you to get a full time job and an active social life. Move out as soon as finances allow. Don’t let anyone make you feel guilty over this. Your mother is responsible for her own life, don’t argue or talk much about any of this. The conversation will only be used to manipulate you further. You’re an adult and free to decide your life for yourself. And don’t give them any of your money. Take care of you!

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score 2 · Answer 8

Your story is heartbreaking. I am so very sorry that you are struggling with dilemma.

It’s completely obvious that you have been taken advantage of.

I am quite sure that you didn’t fully realize the magnitude of the situation when you took this responsibility on.

No one fully realizes what caregiving involves. Especially younger individuals such as yourself.

You were a target because you were in a vulnerable position.

All that being said, I don’t know what caused your epiphany to make you realize that this isn’t working and never will.

I am very glad that you are reaching out and ready to move forward in your life.

Don’t you dare feel guilty about it! You aren’t doing anything wrong.

In fact, you’re doing everything correctly by forming a plan for your own future.

This isn’t your problem, nor is it your responsibility!

Let them handle it. Walk away. Don’t look back! They WILL figure it out because they will have no other choice.

You deserve a life of your own.

When you leave you will be teaching them an extremely important lesson.

It is high time that they learn not to try to take advantage of you or anyone else.

Wishing you the very best that life has to offer.

Take care and keep us posted.

Helpful Answer (2)

I was only 19 when I started taking care of my mother. At the time she couldn’t find a home health aid but now that I look back I don’t think she ever really looked. Then my aunt stepped in for awhile but my mom became so abusive to her she quit two years ago and my mom asked if I would fill in till she found somebody but there again she never looked then the pandemic happened now she is using that as a reason to not have someone for the outside come into her home....... I was very young and didn’t realize the mental problems my mother had if I had I probably would have went away to school rather than stay local. And now they are trying to rope me into the same situation with my grandmother but I am not going to let them do that. They took responsibility for her and they need to provide her care and that means bringing in a caregiver when they can’t do it themselves. My grandmother is very physically active she can do her own laundry, she toilets herself and can do bathing on her own. And is even capable of feeding herself. The only thing she really needs help is having somebody take her to the doctors and maybe have somebody sit with her when needed because she can’t be left alone and she sleeps a lot so they could essay find a caregiver and it wouldn’t cost that much!!!! I think this my mother just using another thing to try to control and trap me but I am not letting her do it.

(4)

score 4 · Answer 9

LEAVE.

You have been manipulatively USED so that you are trapped between being “Mommy’s Little Girl” and “Mommy’s FULL TIME MOMMY”.

Are you speaking to a therapist? The virus has created some pretty good sources ONLINE, and discussing your circumstances with an objective source might help you put on your grown up panties and develop a more adult focused sense of yourself.

It’s time for you to start developing a list off YOUR CHOICES, and how to facilitate them. If you are afraid that YOUR choices will disrupt the family calm that you have carried on your back since your mother enslaved you, that will NO DOUBT be the case.

A good topic to enter with an online therapist.

If you were to vanish today at noon, you can bet that your mother (and/or father) would quickly come up with plan B. So widen your potential vistas. You can’t “grow up” without doing so.

You have NEVER been allowed your adult personhood, and to get it, YOU MUST TAKE IT. No one here will tell you that making good choices for yourself and following through on them will be easy, but if you are determined to stop being “mommy’s caregiver” and being who YOU want to be, it’s time to start RIGHT NOW. THIS MINUTE.

Helpful Answer (4)

I have been seeing a counselor for two years, but during this time we mostly focused on getting me stable from some personal psychological issues my parents have caused. This year we where going to focus on my situation with my parents and my living environment but my counselor has taken leave so I have switched to another one and I have only had one session so far so we are still getting to know each other but I am gong to bring everything up at my next season next week.

(3)

score 4 · Answer 10

Cierra, you should not use your own money to pay for help for your mother. What are their finances? Your grandmother's finances? You are so young, and it's not right that you should give up your life to these two. And your father is a skunk for allowing this to happen to you.

Are you an only child?

You will have to make a plan and then stick to it. It might involve your parents cutting you out of their lives, but please realize that this should not affect your decision. You have spent over a decade being your mother's slave, so don't expect anything to change without taking drastic action.

Your parents love the slave help you have provided so far, and they are taking credit for keeping your grandmother out of a nursing home. They do not want things to change.

PLEASE make plans to get a fulltime job and get out of that house. Move in with a friend if you have to, temporarily. You must make the break now -- do not wait and lose your life further to unpaid and thankless servitude.

You are young, and your life doesn't need to be destroyed to the altar of elder caregiving, as we have seen happen so much on this site.

Cierra, please believe in and value yourself enough to make a break from these people. Keep us updated.

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score 1 · Answer 11

I’m sorry you are going through this. You certainly do deserve to have a life of your own. Some people do try to force care upon another person, but it really is a personal choice. My sister is trying to make me take care of our father till he passes at home rather than put him in a home. However I have health problems and only I know what I can handle. She doesn’t understand this so I’ve actually had to block her calls. Her emotions are involved and she’s not thinking realistically. Sure I could wear myself out over stress and try to take care of himself myself but I would most definitely deteriorate. So when the time is right I will have no choice. What are your options? Do you live at home? Does your mother qualify for any type of care? If you refuse to take care of grandmother your mother will find a way to take care of it herself and will probably put her in a home. I think the hardest part is sometimes standing up for yourself to family members (I know that was my problem) then taking a plan of action. Wishing you the best

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I am currently living in my parents house, as far as options I think home care and respite care are my only options for my mother!!!! But before I can do that I have to get a full time job that is something that my mother has not allowed my to do for ten years but at this point that is something that I need to have not just to pay to have home health help but also to have my social security for myself!!!! I have started to put my foot down with that and I told her I am looking for a job on top of starting my own business to have that extra income to help with the home health costs. And she has not been very supportive and today she mentioned trying to get me on the books caring for her...... And I feel this so just a tactic to keep the situation the way it is and so that she has somebody to push my grandmothers care onto still. But I am sticking to my guns and I am still going to get a job. As for my grandmother she and my father took responsibility for her and part of that is providing care for her and that means hiring care for her to do the things that they can’t do for her they say they want what’s best for her and if that’s so then they need to walk the walk and not just talk the talk. They truth is when she starts wandering and leaving the house and the house because hazardous or she has a medical emergency my mom can’t help her because of her own disability a facility would be the better option at that point my mother is making it more about her feelings and not what’s best for my grandmother!!!!

(0)

I don’t know what to do!!! Does anyone have advice?

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