How to care for someone who has stopped caring?

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TheCatsMom Asked February 2021

How to care for someone who has stopped caring?

I will try to keep this short. My father in law lost his wife 1 year ago and had a stoma bag fitted, so some major physical and emotional trauma. We live close by. I am his daughter in law and his son, my husband, has his own health issues. But he is strong.

My husband also has to worry about the family business. It employs the other 2 brothers. But all the strategy etc falls to my husband. My father in law is very generous with his money but has got into a rut. He is overweight. Eats ready made meals. Never exercises. Thinks we are mad because we do. Watches tv all day. Has what I would call a growing sense of ‘ennui’ and never rings us. We call him every day. He is in our bubble but because of Covid he does not want a visit. But his neighbours come in to drink with him! My worry is that I am getting annoyed about the situation. I wish for once he would call my husband and ask after his health. Occasionally he has left the house to bring my kids McDonald’s but doesn’t mention this as he thinks I am a health freak. I’m not. I eat rubbish and drink. But not all the time. And I exercise. Which he does not appreciate or approve of.

Since I married my husband I have discovered that his parents never cared for his education. They only ever were interested in eating out, drinking and going on cruises. I am annoyed that my efforts at home, and in the business are just about tolerated. The other son lived at home up until a few years ago and he is morbidly obese. He lives beside us but expects us to organise dinners and cater for all every weekend. When I do it becomes a business meeting with the men around the table and me serving them. I and so fed up that they never call us just to see if we are ok. It’s all us doing the caring, hosting and listening. My parents are in their late 80s and live an hour away, but I ring them 3 times a week and they support me. I do not leave a call with them feeling drained and annoyed. They ask about us. Maybe I should back off from the father in law but I feel guilty? If he could just ask about us. At least ask as my husband how he is. I’m not bothered about me. I have enough support from my own family.

Burnout Mental Health Relationships

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score 1 · Answer 1

It's not up to you to change your father-in-law. He has made his choices and now he must live with them. If he wants to eat unhealthy and not exercise, that's on him, not you. I'm not sure why that is bothering you so. I understand the fact that it bothers you that he doesn't bother to ask your husband how he is doing with his health issues, but apparently he is just a selfish, self centered man whose whole world revolves around himself. That is sad, but you can't make someone care; but you can put up some boundaries. Perhaps you can start by not calling him everyday. There really is no reason to have to put yourself through that every single day. Maybe limit the calls to 3 times a week instead, and see how that goes. And then as far as you guys always hosting and catering every weekend, perhaps you suggest to your husband that you would like that limited to once a month, and if the other family wants it more often, then they can organize, host and cater it. You have allowed all this to go on for way too long. It's now time to put your foot down. Good luck.

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score 1 · Answer 2

Sounds like you are the only woman and you too work for the company. I can see where the "boys" think you should be the organizer. I would not worry about FIL or BIL. If your husband doesn't worry either should you. Your responsibility is to ur husband and children. Your parents are aging and you may find yourself doing more for them. They are ur responsibility, husbands are his responsibility. On the weekends they get together, order out. If this is business related, then charge it to the company. You can't change people. We tend to look at life from our own perspective. You have always checked in with ur parents. Husbands family is not like that and you can't expect them to be like you. Except them for how they are, goid and bad. And set boundries now about what you are willing and not willing to do. Part of your problem is that you all work together. You need to be able to separate yourself from that. Take vacations by yourself.

And please, never volunteer or be talked into caring for FIL and BIL. Just from what u have posted, they are selfcentered. There are resources out there that they can take advantage of. It looks like sooner or later you may need to care for your DH.

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That’s so much for your response. It is so helpful and I appreciate it. My mother says something similar to you JoAnn. Good to have it reinforced!

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score 1 · Answer 3

You can’t change your FIL or anyone else. The only person you can change is you. Do the meals and activities you want with your husband’s family, don’t justify or feel the need to explain your choices. It’s the nice thing about being an adult!

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So true. No need for justification!

(1)

score 3 · Answer 4

Where does your DH stand on your support & service to his family? Are you an unified team? Or he is kind of with the men...?

Just some ideas..

The daily welfare call to FIL can be done by his son. You can make a friendly hello call at a lessor frequency, whatever suits you. 2x weekly or 1x weekly, or less.

The next catering weekend is a change for change!

Hey, I'm busy so it's byo this time - bring a plate old-school style or all chip in for pizza delivery. Make it clear DH will not be host running table service or the tab. And you are busy. Out running, at the gym, the hairdressers, driving your car rocking out to your favorites music, somewhere, anywhere, it doesn't matter. You are unavailable. Grown men can surely pull a slice of pizza from a box & pour their drink. Oh, AND clean up afterwards! Or no more dinner meetings.

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Thanks Betty. I think it’s important for me to do more to keep myself strong fit my own family and they can worry about themselves. I am 53 and my fil is only 73. The brother in law is younger than me. They can look after themselves.

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How to care for someone who has stopped caring?

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