I don't feel that I am good enough to be my mother's primary caregiver, but I am all that she has right now. Advice?

Your mother is WAY out of line to pull that line on you.

You need to get away.

Can you call sister and say "I am handing this over to you?" You are on disability, so can you live independently and not need to live with mom (I am kind of assuming you do).

Living in a small studio on gov't subsidy would be better than living with someone who makes you feel small and worthless.

Last week my mother called me (miraculous, as she doesn't know my phone number) and I thought 'oh gosh, something has happened' as she NEVER calls.

What was the DRAMA? She needed to know the birthdays of my brother's twin grandsons. Seriously? I don't know that. Brother was avoiding her calls!

She starts EVERY conversation with the same line "OH, I have been thinking about you". I just reply, "No, mom, you haven't been. Please stop saying that to me".

I am on permanent vacation from both my mother and my MIL. It is wonderful.

Please get away. Caring for someone who is driving you to need medication to deal with them---I understand better than you'd know, but if you CAN get away from mom, do so.

((HUGS))

Get your mom placed in a Memory Care Assisted Living community if the yelling is out of hand, as you say on your profile, and if you and she both feel you're not capable of caring for her. Or, send her over to live with your sister, as she would like to do, and release yourself from the nightmare you signed up for. Where is it written you 'must' care for this woman, especially having your OWN issues to deal with?

I made a vow many many years ago that I wouldn't be doing ANY hands on caregiving, or living with, either of my parents because I'm not cut out for it, and for several other reasons. My mother & I are oil and water and I'd be angry and yelling at HER all day long if we lived together, which would create a harmful and stressful environment for BOTH of us. Not a good thing. So when the need arose, I placed both of my parents in Assisted Living in 2014; dad passed in 2015 and my mother is 94 and living in the same AL but in Memory Care nowadays suffering from moderately advanced dementia. I handle her entire LIFE from my desk here at home, and she gets great care in the MC. It's a win-win situation for both of us. When she runs out of money to private pay, I'll apply for Medicaid for Skilled Nursing.

Good luck to you.

"You aren't the one I want to take care of me," Consider this your mother's full permission (not that you really need it) for you to let your sister or a facility take care of her.

Why do you feel that just because you're on disability, that you're the one who has to take care of her? You need to be taking care of yourself. Why isn't your beloved sister helping out since that is who mom would prefer to have anyway? You don't owe your mom anything, and at this point you need to be looking for the appropriate facility for mom to be placed in, so you can start to heal from the emotional damage your mom has inflicted on you. It's not too late. It is now time to put yourself first, and take care of you. May God bless you and keep you.


P.S. If mom doesn't have the money for a facility, you will have to apply for Medicaid for her.

I am not my mother's 1st choice either. I am seen as "too bossy", "too loud", "too opinionated", "not subservient to men" and "won't let her do as she wishes." I realize that these statements are not a reflection of me but a reflection of her "too compliant" (victim of domestic abuse for over 25 years), "has difficulty advocating for herself" (has experienced fraud and being taken advantage of for decades), "really low self esteem" (needs more opportunities to succeed as God gives them to her), "feels out of control" (needs appropriate choices when available). My sister, who is mom's first choice has the same personality as mom and the same problems.

Please do not get your feelings of worth from a person with dementia. She probably has no social filter left and says whatever is on her mind. Her statements are more a reflection of her broken perception of reality and not a reflection of you. God chose you, for now, to be the one to care for your mom. However, you do need to consider a few options:

1 - Involve more people in mom's care so the burden is not all on you. Ask help from family members, friends, members of your faith community, and paid help. The goal is to have enough people helping so you can have balance: 7-9 hours of sleep daily, 3 healthy meals eaten at a sensible pace, "time off" to meet your own health needs, and time to interact with people who encourage you and nurture your soul.

2 - If you can not find or hire enough help to lighten your load, it is time to investigate memory care facilities. If they have assisted living and can segue to full memory care when she needs it, that would be the route I would go. Make sure to have others care for mom while you are researching places for her new home.

3 - May I suggest that you need more time with mentally healthy people compared to time with your mother. When I was a student nurse, I had a clinical rotation in a pediatric psychiatric facility. I noticed that the professionals all had some degree of adopting the behaviors of their patients. I figured that since they spent most of their quality "awake" time with those with mental health issues, it was natural to adopt some of their behaviors. We all tend to become like those we spend a lot of time with. Since you admit to having depression, it is very important for you to spend quality time with those who lift you up rather than drag you down. I am not suggesting you abandon your mom, but get more interactions with supportive friends throughout your week.

My heart goes out to you and having had a very tough, sad life, I feel I can give some solid advice based on life's experiences in which I often learned too late what I should have done in the first place. When I finally did, my life became better so here goes. First of all, dementia can make people become extremely cruel in behavior and action - it is the disease. However, that does not ever mean that the caretaker has to accept that and pretend it is not happening if it is causing a terrible negative impact on the caretaker. The caretaker has a right to decency and to live a life without harm and hurt. Some people can be caretakers - for a while or a short time and others cannot do this. So, first of all, you have dedicated yourself taking care of a woman who obviously does not deserve you and your sister is not helping much. My question is - why on earth would you allow someone to do this to you? What have you done to deserve this? I bet nothing. This situation is causing great harm and grief to you - without justification. Immediately do one of the following....have your sister take over as complete caretaker; get another caretaker who can handle her; or, best, place her into a facility so you can take care of yourself and live your life. No one deserves to be treated like this especially when you have enough problems yourself. It is YOU who are important - first and foremost. This is why I am so against dementia people living with families - they destroy them. You must be set free and only YOU can make that happen. Don't wait - do this now. You have more than done enough for her and it is only going to get worse. Save yourself while you still can. Please, listen to me.

I have a friend who's step father died last week. Her mother is in the early stages of dementia, and has an attitude like your mother toward her, she is never good enough, she never does anything right, she's too fat etc..

She told me her mother was moving with her so she could take care of her. I told her that she needed to set some strong rules for "mom" and have them posted where "mom" can easily see them.

On top of that I told her that when "mom" starts telling her that she doesn't do the care giving right, or that one of her brothers her sisters would be better at the job , then she needed to tell "mom" to call which ever brother or sister she wanted and see how fast they would come to her rescue.

My friend reminds "mom" every morning of the rules as posted. Also she asks her if she needs to call one of her other children to come and get her. So far "mom' has been satisfied.

Many comments of support and suggestions.

My first comment is to say that your mother's words, whether before or after dementia set in, DO NOT define you. It is difficult sometimes, after many years of listening to it, having it drilled into you that you are less than others expect, to not believe it is true. Just the fact that you've been able to provide her care, mostly unaided, for FOUR years says that isn't who you are. You've taken care of her, despite her negativity. You've provided a safe and caring environment for her. You've managed to do this with NO positive feedback from her and little, if any, from your sister.

THOSE are MAJOR accomplishments!!!

While I didn't physically provide the care for my mother, I was the local non-working (laid off just around when dementia was taking hold, took early SS) sibling, so while I wasn't directed to do what needed to be done, I was the only one who stepped up. I took a lot of crap from both brothers. THEY had big ideas of taking her in when they first heard the cost of MC. That never made it any further. I got very little help from either of them. I couldn't count on them for anything, not even to visit mom. They couldn't visit, but thought about taking her in? HAHAHAHA!

I was angry that they were not contributing much help, or even moral support, but finally worked my way past that. The anger only hurts me, not them. Since then, I'd managed 99.9% of whatever needed to be done myself. Despite one also being POA and all 3 of us trustees, neither asked any questions or offered to do anything (could have been worse, some siblings butt in, accuse, or worse!) Had to manage and prep for sale the condo, medications, appointments, finances, taxes, budgeting, etc. The condo sucked down over 2.5 years of my life. Couple of weeks for one, almost nothing for the other brother.

The saddest part was having mom ask if I'd seen or heard from them. I could only say not recently. The last time OB was in the area, his first visit was with me, and her reaction said a lot! I sent him there before we tackled the condo another day, take her coffee, donuts, visit. When I suggested another visit during afternoon downtime, he refused to go, stating he "didn't know what to do with her." Just BE there! She adored him and was SO happy to see him. What a jerk. I can only hope the lack of visits by them will haunt them, sooner rather than later.

"I will never be able to "fix" her, only make her as happy as she can be, given the circumstances. I only need to do my best one day at a time."

This is important and you've recognized it. You can't make someone else happy, only try to reduce what makes them unhappy. Happiness (and self-acceptance) comes from within ourselves. You ARE doing your best and whether or not mom or your sister recognize it, it is important that YOU continue to believe it!

"She is very tired when she gets home from work. I, apparently, am not."

I'm sure that was written tongue-in-cheek, but if not, I will borrow Countrymouse's word: Rubbish! A full day at work most of the time isn't as tiring as an hour with someone who has dementia! Even if she is tired after a day of work, your day is longer and may not end at all, if mom doesn't have regular sleep patterns. She also has time off from work - many hours/day after work, weekends, holidays, vacations, etc. SAD excuse.

"She does allow me a couple of weeks of vacation a year..."

How generous of her. Does she think her handling of the finances outweighs what you do? She gets paid for her "hard" day at work, you are supposed to accept free room and board. I'm sure HER pay covers more than just room and board. Yes, it could be worse, if she chose not to allow any time off, but still.

More to come, just wanted to help bolster your self-esteem! You are NOT 2" tall, you are 20' tall! Hold your head high, for doing what you do!

As one who is going thru another “disaster” with my mother right now, if you can get out of your situation do it now! I moved in with her after my father passed away over 7 years ago. She was 88 at the time In the beginning the battles were not much of a big deal. She wants her way no matter the problem or consequences. Well over the last year the dementia has gotten somewhat worse. She has no reasoning skills at all now. She can’t keep dialogue straight and flips to many subjects during a conversation. Very hard at times to actually understand what she is talking about. She thinks she can do everything she did 20 yrs ago. When in fact she can not complete any task but fix herself a bowl of canned soup, that I have to open for her, or a cold sandwich She has had 1 knee replacement . Both knees are a mess. She can hardly walk. Has fell several times. Nothing is her fault, TV remote hates her, microwave hates her, the telephone is broke, everything is a problem. The list goes on. And on. And on. I have been accused of stealing her money, she has none. Stealing her “things”.
I took her bathroom door off the hinges 3 nights ago so that she could get her walker into her bathroom, as she fell again. Yesterday she told me she was going to call the police on me and tell them I was keeping her prisoner in her bed if I didn’t put her door back on. I told her to go ahead and call, that the door was not going back on. She has trouble dialing any number so I wasn’t very worried. Surprise Surprise. She dialed “0” and the operator called the fire department!!! Here they come 7pm, down the street. Lights and sirens!! When they got thru talking to her, then telling me not to call (I DIDN’T) them any more for our disagreements, they left and she was mad all over again saying “a lot of good that did”.
My mother was the kindest, most loving caring person, until she started going downhill.
This is just the tip of the iceberg. I am here 24/7/365. And have been all this time. Maybe 2 weeks off total time, a day here and there, since I moved in. I do all doctor appts, shopping, cooking. My 1 sister comes in for about 3 hours once a week. She works full time and is busy with her family, grandkids. My other sister comes in once a week, once in a while stays overnight then leaves the next afternoon . Brother lives 1200 miles away. So yes, it is ALL on me. It was my choice all those years ago, after all she did for us kids it was the right choice. At that time! She keeps telling me she wants to live to be100!!!! At that time I will be 75, IF I’m still here. It DOES take a toll on you.
Think long and hard about your choice, if you have one. It WILL be the hardest thing you do. Just consider all things. You literally will have no life of your own.
Do not expect others to help, they won’t.
Expect the worst everyday, and if it is a good day, you win!
Expect to be overwhelmed every day.
I wish you luck and peace of mind in your decision.
Turn to this site for support and a way to blow off steam. They have been a lifesaver!!
And by the way she has told me several times to pack my stuff and get out 😁

Unfortunately care for a LO often falls on just one child. I imagine we all feel 2" tall from time to time from failing to meet what we see as our LO's needs. YOU are not 2" tall. You have stepped up to the plate and doing the best you can. Yes your sister works full time, but there is no reason she can't give you support and be thankful that you are there for her.

You didn't say what your sister did for the retirement home. I assume she is not an administrator or nursing assistant/cma/cna or she'd be able to take on some of the decision making that needs to be done.

What does her doctor have to say about the living situation? Along with the other good advice previously given, check with your county or state for a department of aging, they may also be able to assist you with services.

Your father had no business asking for you to promise. Yes respecting your parents is a wonderful thing. Your father could not foresee what would happen in the future. My mom's sister took care of her MIL, but her MIL was a wise woman and told my aunt that when the time came and she became a burden to place her in a facility and not to feel guilty about it. That is the advise I give you. Putting your mother in a facility is NOT abandoning her - it is doing the best thing for her where she can receive the care she needs.

Don't let putting her into a facility destroy you; yes it will be hard and you may grieve, but you should also feel a burden lift. Take that time to do things for yourself, pamper yourself. You aren't abandoning her because you can still visit her and if the visit doesn't go well, tell your mom, well it time for me to go home, I'll see you tomorrow, next week or what time frame you plan to next visit her.

I'm lucky, my parents went to independent living then AL when my father kept falling, (dad was the harder one to care for). He hated to be helped, hated rehab, hated volunteering to give up driving. Living with my father would have driven me to be committed and my mother to be committed living with my husband. I didn't abandon them. I pay their bills. Before dad died and mom was locked down due to covid, I went with them to their dr. appts; we went out to eat, shopping and other things.

Finally, YOU are not 2" tall, you are 10 feet tall and you should take pride(and I don't mean the kind of pride that cometh before a fall) in what you have done - no matter what you mother says. Remember she has dementia and her decision making skill are greatly diminished. Good Luck, and may God bless you with peace and comfort.