Hi. I’m a 33 year old female and I’m really struggling with my 65 year old mother. Well, she wants a grandchild from me even though she already has 2 grandkids from my brother who are still little.
I don’t feel comfortable having a baby because even though I’m in a serious relationship, I feel like my boyfriend is abusive sometimes. I think he might have bipolar disorder because his personality changes all the time. I already told my mom that even though I’m still with my boyfriend our relationship is not always well. Then she told me: “Well, maybe a baby could change him”. What???? That’s the most ridiculous thing ever. A baby is not a magic pill who will solve my problems or change my boyfriend. If anything, kids are stressful and a huge responsibility. I don’t want more stress than what I already have.
Even if I told her my boyfriend and I struggle in our relationship she still goes on and on that having a baby is wonderful. She doesn’t understand it’s my choice. I used to ignore her comments but I’m already sick of having to make her understand that I won’t bring a human being into this world if I don’t have stability in my relationship. I don’t want to put up a fake smile for a baby while I might be miserable inside dealing with my own problems.
My mom seems obsessed about being a grandma. One time I went on vacation with my parents for a week and all she did during the entire trip was talk about her grand daughter and how much she “missed her”. When I talk to my mom about my job, my dream of buying a house, or going to Europe with her, she acts like it’s a boring thing to talk about. All she cares is about me having children. She thinks that should be my ultimate goal in life.
Last night I couldn’t sleep because she brought the subject again when I clearly explained children were not on my plans. Since she goes to church, she told me that I should listen to the preacher’s message. I heard it and the preacher was basically praying for all women that couldn’t conceive. The message was about reproduction. Ahhhhh why is she so stubborn? I feel like I will have to cut her off from my life if she treats me like a child making machine and not an actual human being.
What can I do to make her understand it’s a personal choice?
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You can stop trying to reason with her since it's obvious that's never going to work. When she launches in change the subject abruptly to something totally unrelated. If she keeps going back to it just keep changing the subject. Is she escalates, walk out of the room, put in ear buds or whatever blocks her. This is called "extinguishing" a behavior. Good luck!
Walk out when your mother starts the baby talk.
Your mother sounds a little "off". Pay no attention to her rants. Forge your own path to happiness.
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I have often said you need a strong marriage to survive children!
I'm more concerned with your boyfriend. Has he been diagnosed with bipolar disorder? It is a terrible disease. A few of my co-workers had wives with bipolar disorder. One wife killed herself, leaving her husband with their young daughter. One wife spent so much money on mail-orders -unbeknownst to her husband, since she had everything delivered to her work address and rented several storage units - they had to file for bankruptcy. My uncle was also bipolar, and ended up with a compulsive hoarding disorder, since he stopped taking medication once he retired from the Navy. He died alone in his house surrounded by his hoard.
If you intend to forge out a life with this man, I think you need to lay it on the line - either he gets professional help for his mental problems, whatever they are, or you walk. And even then, be ready for the long haul through life - one of the reasons bipolar disorder is so difficult is the patient has to forever be tweaking medications, and from my understanding it's a lot of trial and error.
As far as mom goes - tell her you are DONE with the kid conversation. When she brings it up either 1) hang up or 2) leave. Tell her you will talk to her again once she can get over her obsession with kids.
Good luck!
Anyway, what's concerning about your post to me, as a mom myself, is that you're with an abusive and mentally unstable man. Please think hard about ending this relationship right away and respect yourself enough to not tolerate ANY abuse from ANYONE for ANY reason. Mental illness is no pass for mistreating you. I have a bipolar step daughter and let me tell you, my tolerance for her is almost non existent. I cannot and will not subject myself to her behavior because it's off the wall.
If you need to, have a conversation with your mother and let her know her obsession with you having "her grandchild" is driving a big wedge between you and if she doesn't cut the crap immediately, you will cut HER out of YOUR life. Which you don't want to do.
Toxic people wreak havoc and cause unnecessary chaos and ulcers in our lives. Even when they come in the form of boyfriends and mother's. They don't have the right to ruin our peace or strip the joy from our lives. Don't allow it any longer, you deserve more
Be ok with being you.
Time for some Billy Joel:
I don't care what you say anymore this is MY LIFE
And my personal favourite...
You can speak your mind, but not on my time
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