Should in-laws contribute to their parents in-law care?
Should daughters in law who live an extremely comfortable, mortgage free life thanks to their in-laws, almost ignore them when their in-laws are at a stage in life where that five minute phone call means so much to them?
a favor or advantage granted or expected in return for something.
Your post comes off as a passive/aggressive question asking a forum of caregivers to judge your daughter in law for what she's not doing in return for what you did for her. See the definition of that above.
If you want something from your DIL, or have certain needs you'd like to have met, your best bet is to make those needs known in an adult fashion. Let her know your feelings are hurt. That you're alone & lonely, that your frightened and have no idea what the future holds for you and DH, and that some loving support from her would be very much appreciated. That is how healthy communication lines are established, and how healthy relationships are built. Not by passive/aggressive hints and innuendos that nobody will appreciate or respect. In fact, that's how relationships deteriorate quickly and why the people you want attention from back AWAY. Just read the boards here to see that.
Good luck opening up some healthy lines of communication between yourself and your loved ones.
I have a strong impression that you would prefer a chorus of indignation at this wicked ungrateful daughter-in-law's wilful neglect of her parents-in-law.
But can it really be as simple as that? Where is the son in question, for example?
Has there been a falling-out? Has this DIL previously been on good terms with her in-laws, and in frequent contact?
If you have gifted your son and his wife financially, that's very nice of you. However, a gift is just that-- a gift. It ceases to be a gift when it has strings attached; it becomes a bribe or a basic transaction. If you expected them to call you often in return, you should have told them so.
Have you talked to them about how you feel?
From what I'm feeling here, even if they did do a five-minute call, you'd be miffed they talked to you only five minutes. And I don't say that to be mean, just observation is all.
Missie, I'm just guessing here, so please clarify if I am off base. I take it you are the mother in law, and it's your daughter in law who you feel is being neglectful. Hugh is your husband and you are taking care of him as he suffers with some physical ailments and also depression. I'm unsure about the son. Is he deceased?
If the above is true, I'm sorry that your husband is depressed. Covid has made this an especially hard year for many. It could be that your daughter in law is also depressed and struggling. I know that I myself often retreat when I am stressed and prefer not to talk much to others, so perhaps this is happening with your daughter in law.
If not, what is happening? Is she aware that you feel hurt? Sometimes miscommunication can bring this on, or maybe she feels slighted for some reason, and you don't know what it is-- in other words, have you tried to talk to her?
It would be helpful if you share more info as to what is going on with your DIL, and even your husband. If you are struggling to meet his needs at home this community can offer a lot of advice and support.
Missie, no, I don't think that any money should be given to elders unless minimal amounts say for some housekeeping help, etc. And I think we should not spend time thinking what OTHERS should do. I also think it is unwise to make our children financially secure unless we ourselves are very secure for our elder years; it is unlikely that money will be seen again. It is best to save for ourselves, spend for ourselves and keep ourselves clear of judging what others do. That path leads only to a lot of resentment and unhappiness. You are currently judging what others give both financially and in terms of calls and etc. It is better we stay on our own turf, doing what we choose to, and not meddling in what others do.
Missie, I think that you should ask for the specific help you want from anyone in your life. The worse that can happen is they tell you that they can not possibly do whatever you are asking. Then you know and can look for other resources.
My dad had this attitude, I helped you, so now you owe me. What? I explained that any help provided to anyone that had an expectation of future payback, when and how to be determined by him, should have been made very clear when the help was being given. That way the recipients could make an informed decision about accepting the help that has chains attached. He didn't like to hear that, at all. But nobody appreciates someone throwing "help" in their faces and it being used as a way to manipulate. I am not saying this is happening in your situation, it sounds like it though.
So if you really only want a phone call or even something more, you should let go of the idea that it is due because there is a debt for past actions. This will drive people away, guaranteed.
Make the 1st phone call, be pleasant, don't remind them of what they have because of you, and ask if they could call you occasionally because you so enjoy speaking with them, make it an enjoyable conversation. Do not use them as a dumping ground, ask about them and listen. That means a lot to everyone.
If I call and I am just made wrong about everything that I haven't done, according to your desires, and there is no appreciation for the effort I am currently making to be in touch, well, I probably will take longer between calls. Just how humans function, we avoid unpleasantness.
I hope that you can find a way to connect with your family in a meaningful, two way relationship that is pleasant for all of you.
First, there is no "should." My biggest concern is not so much whether the DIL contributes to the care of her parents-in-law, but why this is any of your business. Is there resentment that the parents-in-law financially contributed to her? I am more interested in your motives than hers.
I would like clarification by what you mean "almost ignore them." "Almost" is quite a subjective term. If you contributed financially to your children and their spouses, what was your expectation? Was it a gift, or were there strings attached, either expressed or implied? And I also am wondering where your relationship with your sons (s) stand in all of this?
What I am reading (between the lines), my husband and I helped our son and his wife buy a house. Now that my husband is unwell, I expect my daughter in law to pay us back.
I am not sure if contributing means helping with hands on care, paying for a care giver, or just handing over money?
Where is your son? Why do you not appear to have the same expectations of him?
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/ˌkwid ˌprō ˈkwō/
noun
a favor or advantage granted or expected in return for something.
Your post comes off as a passive/aggressive question asking a forum of caregivers to judge your daughter in law for what she's not doing in return for what you did for her. See the definition of that above.
If you want something from your DIL, or have certain needs you'd like to have met, your best bet is to make those needs known in an adult fashion. Let her know your feelings are hurt. That you're alone & lonely, that your frightened and have no idea what the future holds for you and DH, and that some loving support from her would be very much appreciated. That is how healthy communication lines are established, and how healthy relationships are built. Not by passive/aggressive hints and innuendos that nobody will appreciate or respect. In fact, that's how relationships deteriorate quickly and why the people you want attention from back AWAY. Just read the boards here to see that.
Good luck opening up some healthy lines of communication between yourself and your loved ones.
But can it really be as simple as that? Where is the son in question, for example?
Has there been a falling-out? Has this DIL previously been on good terms with her in-laws, and in frequent contact?
Do you ever make a phone call to her?
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Have you talked to them about how you feel?
From what I'm feeling here, even if they did do a five-minute call, you'd be miffed they talked to you only five minutes. And I don't say that to be mean, just observation is all.
You are not a factor in it.
Sounds like there is some kind of drama going on and you're trying to stir the pot.
If the above is true, I'm sorry that your husband is depressed. Covid has made this an especially hard year for many. It could be that your daughter in law is also depressed and struggling. I know that I myself often retreat when I am stressed and prefer not to talk much to others, so perhaps this is happening with your daughter in law.
If not, what is happening? Is she aware that you feel hurt? Sometimes miscommunication can bring this on, or maybe she feels slighted for some reason, and you don't know what it is-- in other words, have you tried to talk to her?
It would be helpful if you share more info as to what is going on with your DIL, and even your husband. If you are struggling to meet his needs at home this community can offer a lot of advice and support.
You are currently judging what others give both financially and in terms of calls and etc. It is better we stay on our own turf, doing what we choose to, and not meddling in what others do.
My dad had this attitude, I helped you, so now you owe me. What? I explained that any help provided to anyone that had an expectation of future payback, when and how to be determined by him, should have been made very clear when the help was being given. That way the recipients could make an informed decision about accepting the help that has chains attached. He didn't like to hear that, at all. But nobody appreciates someone throwing "help" in their faces and it being used as a way to manipulate. I am not saying this is happening in your situation, it sounds like it though.
So if you really only want a phone call or even something more, you should let go of the idea that it is due because there is a debt for past actions. This will drive people away, guaranteed.
Make the 1st phone call, be pleasant, don't remind them of what they have because of you, and ask if they could call you occasionally because you so enjoy speaking with them, make it an enjoyable conversation. Do not use them as a dumping ground, ask about them and listen. That means a lot to everyone.
If I call and I am just made wrong about everything that I haven't done, according to your desires, and there is no appreciation for the effort I am currently making to be in touch, well, I probably will take longer between calls. Just how humans function, we avoid unpleasantness.
I hope that you can find a way to connect with your family in a meaningful, two way relationship that is pleasant for all of you.
"Almost" is quite a subjective term.
If you contributed financially to your children and their spouses, what was your expectation? Was it a gift, or were there strings attached, either expressed or implied? And I also am wondering where your relationship with your sons (s) stand in all of this?
What I am reading (between the lines), my husband and I helped our son and his wife buy a house. Now that my husband is unwell, I expect my daughter in law to pay us back.
I am not sure if contributing means helping with hands on care, paying for a care giver, or just handing over money?
Where is your son? Why do you not appear to have the same expectations of him?
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