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Cheryl60 Asked February 2021

Caring for an elderly mother when they wouldn't care for you. Advice?

This is a long story but will try to get to the point here. My parents were very controlling when we were growing up. We were not allowed to choose our own friends or hang out with anyone that had "money". We were constantly threatened by our mother with belt whippings from my dad when he came home from work if we didn't do what she told us to. We always were a problem to her. We did all the housework while she sat watching her soap opera's on tv all day long. (I mean all day) We grew up in a time that kids were to be seen and not heard. Christmas's at our grandparents were a nightmare on the way home. Dad was always ridiculing my grandparents, and looking for hidden meaning to every word my grandparents said. We didn't dare to enjoy ourselves on the trip, We'd be yelled at and told to shut up. Mom always tried to talk him down. It never worked so the arguements started between them at that point. As we got older we all dreaded the holidays. When we were in high school we were always watched like a hawk. At outdoor school events (ice cream social) my parents did a drive by when I was headed home. There was a girl they didn't approve of and they saw me stop to talk to her. I was lectured, told I was not telling the truth, called a liar and grounded for what?? Stopping to answer the girls question. She wasn't a friend, I never had anything to do with her. Fast forward. After graduating HS, we did as we were told if we wanted to stay at their house. We got jobs, went to work and came home. We were only allowed to go out on the weekends with what money we had left after paying our rent to them for the week . Back then after a 40 hour week I paid them $50 a week for room and board and was left with $38 to get back and forth on the next week. Anyway. I was working full time, an ad was in the paper for another job. I called in some personal time and went to apply for it. The next day I was fired for it. My parents accused me of quitting and were mad as heck over it. Not my fault. The supervisor where I worked was friends with the HR at job I applied at. Needless to say I was accused of being a liar again. No trust from them whatso ever. 18 was the magic number for them. They threw me out of the house and I lived on the streets at that point and living with what few friends that I had for a time. I ended up joining the US Army. Loved every minute of it.


NOW...... Dad is gone, mom is in a nursing home and I am to the point I want nothing to do with her. She constantly tries taking credit for the person I am today. Constantly comparing everything I do well to it being something she taught me (not true) Constantly wanting a pat on the back for forcing me out of the house at 18 because she thinks she did the right thing. Constantly and I mean every conversation she reminds me that she is my mother, (your old momma this and your old mama that) Constantly telling me that she is "happy I care for her" and constantly trying to manipulate me with guilt trips and blaming everything on dad. She wants everyone to feel sorry for her. The pity party she has been giving for herself has gotten to the point that she can't keep her stories straight. She is a different person with everyone she meets, Her siblings, her care takers and Us her kids. We are each treated to her different personalities and told different things from her. We have to call the nursing home repeatedly over the things she says. Anyway sorry about the venting. Don't know if anyone will have any answers to the problems I have but Thank you anyway :-)

BadYear2020 Feb 2021
Dear Cheryl60,
It sounds like you and I could be sisters. My childhood was almost exactly like yours. Very verbal and abusive mother. After my parents divorced my mother chose not to have anything to do with us 3 kids. I tried to keep some contact for a year after the divorce but was plainly told to go away. Period! (That's putting it nicely.)

That was nearly 30 years ago and my mother still doesn't want contact with any of us. Her choice. Now, she's getting older and if it ever comes down to me making a choice for her care, I'll pick a nice nursing home, put her in it and leave her there. I'll make a visit once a month (maybe) and I'll leave her alone.
Sounds harsh, but she chose her life and she chose not to be a part of mine.

When my husband died years ago, I got heard nothing from her. No flowers, didn't come to his funeral. No card, nothing. She called other family members to see how I was but never call me personally.
After that, I was done. No more.

Limit your visits and don't believe all of the sympathy calls from her, it'll drive you crazy. You've been abused enough when you were young, you had no choice and you don't have to put up with it in your adult life.

Take care of yourself now. Enjoy your life now. Its your life. Not hers. Don't let her get to you. You've been thru enough.

Midkid58 Feb 2021
You got through life and came out of your formative years a strong and capable person. For that, maybe a slight nod of the head to your parents. Slight.

My parents were not abusive, but my OB was, so I lived in constant underlying fear of being molested at any moment, night or day. Even when confronting my folks about it (OB was in jail due to child abuse and they asked me to testify on his behalf. I was itching to do so, but did tell them what I would be saying. Dad believed me and was devastated, mother, to this day, calls me a liar to my face.)

We ALL go through absolute crap at times in life. Some of us are dealt a worse hand. If we are LUCKY and SMART, we get out and don't go back, involved and hands on. I do not 'do' for mother. Used to--out of a sense of perverse guilt that I no longer feel. She will often say how having kids was just hell on ice. She likes a couple of us, and adores a couple. And totally disses the last 2.

I see her when I want and do what I feel I can do without causing myself to have a meltdown.

She did the absolute minimum to keep us alive---did what SHE wanted and what she KNEW would be seen by the world, not what we NEEDED. I've had my braces off for 50 years and I STILL hear about how expensive they were. She paid for ONE pair of eyeglasses when I was 8 and expected them to last until I got married and could afford my own. It's amazing none of us died of childhood diseases, she only took herself to the Dr., not us, unless we were fevered over 103 or one of the grandmas got involved.

Some women should NEVER have had children and she was one. So selfish, so completely inward thinking--one would think that by age 91(!) you'd have a little self awareness.

She is lonely, she doesn't have but one friend, and no one in the family really reaches out to her. I'd feel bad, but she really brought all this down on herself.

The WORST thing she can say to me is "oh you're just like me". Other than being short, no, no I am not.

I am a huge disappointment to her and I know it.
BurntCaregiver Feb 2021
MIdkid58, that's terrible. You know I see a lot of people in a lot of pain in this group. Myself included. It's hard for us sometimes to realize that we're not kids anymore and don't have to tolerate anything from our parents. You don't have to either.
My cousin gets plenty of family judgement (not from me. Never from me) because she has nothing to do with her mother who has been in a nursing home for the last two years. She has dementia and her husband who was her caregiver died. My other cousin (her sister) tried for a little while to have mom with her. They ended up doing an ER dump and the hospital placed her. Neither of them has ever been to visit her in the NH. They grew up in horrendous abuse from both of their parents, so who can blame them. One thing I disagree with you on though. Cheryl60 does not owe her parents any credit or even the slightest nod for her own success. She made it in spite of them not because of them.

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Tothill Feb 2021
Walk away. You do not owe her any of your time.

She is in a nursing home they provide her care.

Put your boundaries in place and stick to them.

Kimber166 Feb 2021
I'm sorry for the stress you are going through. It takes awhile to realize that what you experienced as a child is not normal, that you were abused. While i was not physically abused by my mom (my dad was a different story) she was so extremely manipulative and used anger, and screaming, and cruelty to diminish us and make us feel responsible for assuring she was happy - that she has had much more of a long term affect on my life than my dad's using his belt did.

Decide what you need to do for your mental health. At a minimum i think you need to pull back from so much contact. She is in a nursing home being taken care of - don't run interference any longer.

Decide how much time you WANT to spend on the phone. Cut off entirely? A brief call once per week? The balance between your mental health and the guilt you seem to feel for pulling away. For me, i call my mom once a week to check in on her and chat. As soon as she starts in the manipulative stuff (every week she tries the same @#$#), i say "I love you mom, gotta go" and hang up. Take control of how much time you invest for your own health.

She is your mother but that does not mean she gets to own you any longer or have you fulfill HER expectations of you.

Good luck!

CantDance Feb 2021
Cheryl160: Your history with your mom is eerily similar to mine. And even though I wasn't tossed out of the house, I left voluntarily (and too soon) because I couldn't stand her obsessive need for control. I came to terms with it this way: Mom, as a parent, did certain things very well. The house was spotless, the meals regular, delicious and nutritious. She saw to it that we got to school and received the physical necessities. She made holidays nice for us. She took us to the doctor when we were ill. I am very, very thankful for all those things. Other things she didn't do nearly as well: She withheld affection. She was emotionally unavailable, completely absorbed by cooking, cleaning, etc. We never understood why she didn't pick us up, cuddle us, or play with us. And I do not exaggerate when I say at times she was downright abusive, in the emotional sense of the word. My father, God bless him, was my sole source of love and affection. My father saved my life.

I have gone through a lot of emotional distress over Mom's absence of warmth and affection: confusion, resentment, frustration, anguish. Feeling "less than." Feeling conflicted, feeling undeserving of love. One and a half years of therapy helped but didn't resolve my conflictedness. I finally (finally!) was able to come to terms with the emotional neglect when the epiphany dawned on me: Mom was totally unequipped for parenthood. Somehow, some way, something happened in Mom's childhood that left her in a state of emotional arrest and scoring very high on narcissistic traits. I'm not absolving her of responsibility, but I do forgive her. It didn't happen overnight. Forgiveness is a process, and it takes time. And for what it's worth, I wasn't a perfect parent either. I let God, and let go.

Wishing you a similar kind of peace. (((Hugs)))
Riverdale Feb 2021
Its interesting what we wish for. I would have loved a mother with more domestic tendencies. Instead I got one who spent periods of time in bed and I taught myself to be domestic at 16.

She is a kind person. I think deep down she knows now she may be a burden as she is bedridden in a NH facility having previously been in an AL one before a septic infection further lessened her quality of life.

She wasn't overly maternal but tried. I am her only child. Our mission now is to figure out if she can always remain where she is or if I have to search for another facility that might accept Medicaid down the line if we start off paying private pay. She slowly continues to go downhill yet hangs on not showing realism about her condition. Her life has been filled with unrealistic expectations.
lealonnie1 Feb 2021
I think you have to do what makes YOU feel at peace with YOURSELF. Not what's 'best for mother', but what's best for Cheryl. Your mother has lived her life with whatever parenting skills she's had or hasn't had, and now wants to look back on what a 'great job' she did, regardless of whether it's true or not. It's the truth SHE wants to believe b/c the real truth is something she obviously can't bear. She's empty inside, so she puts on the dog & pony show that she feels will work for whichever audience is present at the moment. My mother does the same thing, and has a narcissistic lean to her personality, big time. She's a different person for whoever she meets because she's NOBODY at her core. I know that; which doesn't make her any easier to deal with, God knows, but it makes the situation more understandable. I limit my contact with her b/c there is only SO much I can tolerate. Now that her dementia has declined, she's actually gotten easier to deal with in certain ways b/c her manipulative ways have fallen by the wayside. I'm still on guard and keep my calls and visits short (she lives in Memory Care), but I still keep contact with her, as I'm the only child.

Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation and finding a solution that works for YOU. Kudos to you for turning out to be a good person and thank you for your service to our country.

BurntCaregiver Feb 2021
I'm sorry your home was so miserable and abusive growing up. You didn't deserve that. No kid does.
As for your mother taking credit for any of your success in life, it had absolutely nothing to do with her. In fact, you made it IN SPITE of her, not because of her and if it will help you get some of the closure that adult children of abusive parents need, then tell her so. To her face.
If you want to sever all ties with her and have nothing to do with her, then you should. Don't have a moment of guilt over it either.
If she would see her own child put out into the street and homeless because they turned 18, then she is a shameless, selfish narcissist, and I don't mind saying so. You and your siblings were not a priority in her life. You are now because she needs you. Her selfish needs make you and your siblings relevant to her life now. You don't owe her anything. Parents like yours when they get elderly think they can rewrite history and all the abuse, hurt, and pain they caused and are guilty of disappears and somehow never happened because in their old age they want everyone to be one big happy family. It doesn't work that way.
If she's soliciting pity for herself in the nursing home, then let her have it. Pay it no mind at all.
You have to find a way to forgive her though. Not for her, but for yourself. You don't have to ever see or speak to her again. You don't have to take any more responsibility for her either and none should judge you for it, but forgive her.
Forgiveness is a hard to accomplish. You may even benefit from talking to a therapist about it. Try to find forgiveness for her and then go on with your own life without giving her a thought. If you want to stay involved with your siblings in her care to ensure her welfare then you can still do that without interacting with her. Good luck and I wish you all the best.
TaylorUK Feb 2021
An interesting point you make on forgiving - forgiving is not however the same as forgetting or making allowances for or treating as if everything was and is OK. - it is harmful to self to allow history to eat away at you, you have to find a way to come to terms and accept what happened and say OK, lets accept that park it in a suitable place and move on without the baggage (I found hypnotherapy very useful in this regard). Do you have to forgive it - well I suspect that may depend to some extent on your religious adherence or not. I personally do not forgive my mother her behaviour, I accept she was unhappy and that she she was bought up in a way that encouraged her narcissistic / sociopathic tendencies, but I don't forgive her for the abuse she carried out on her children. However neither do I harp on it - it is parked, I have control over what actions I take with regard to it, and my decision is simply to accept and move on. Does this mean I forget or I feel any duty or any guilt that says I should get involved in her life - NO, I tried what I thought was my duty and all the negatives started to come back, so back into the box she and her actions went. I make short phone calls when it suits me -- no getting into a habit of phoning on X day or whatever - I pop into the facility she is in if I feel I have enough mental space and am passing. But she made the situation and she is not going to push me back to where I was as a child and young adult. We all have to find OUR way to deal with parents like this as they get older, but it has to be something that causes us no harm, and we have to be open to recognising that harm is happening or starting to happen, and therefore to changing our actions and dealings with the person concerned.
Sunnydayze Feb 2021
Dear Cheryl60,
Wow! Just wow!. You are so impressive. I think you truly went out and "created" your own, amazing life! Your childhood story is horrible, but you certainly did not allow it to stop you.

I don't have any answers, but perhaps focus on this: She's safe. She's clean. She's fed. She's probably receiving more mental stimulation than we realize. She enjoys creating some drama.

If you feel like communicating with her, then do it. If you don't, then don't. Maybe just send her little cards in the mail to somewhat appease her... I heard from a friend this works better than imagined with her difficult mom.
You have done enough.

Also, thank you so much for serving our country!

stilldealing1 Feb 2021
Please consider going 'no contact' again. Your mother is safe and cared for. You have no legal or moral obligation to visit her, or make phone calls, or whatever. Please don't subject yourself to listening to her take credit for your hard earned successes (survival?). That is just participating in allowing the abuse to continue. I know, been there, done that. If a child makes the extremely hard decision to go 'no contact', there generally is a very good reason for that. The child is usually better off with 'no contact', and if child goes back to seeing parent, it is usually just the same pattern of abusive behavior. Please do not let blind societal norms force or keep you in this one-sided, destructive relationship. Good luck to you; my thoughts are with you.
NeedHelpWithMom Feb 2021
Totally agree with this. I don’t see the point of torturing oneself.

Caregiving can be done from afar.

Or if it’s best for the child they do not have to assume any responsibility.

I don’t see the point of allowing the parent to have the satisfaction of belittling their child.

I definitely don’t see the point of caring for someone that the emotional connection has died.

Why do anything if your heart isn’t in it? Who really benefits from this action?

It’s a nightmare.
TaylorUK Feb 2021
I hope that by venting you at least feel some relief for getting all this off your chest. Your treatment as a child was abusive, it was in no way acceptable and whatever you feel about duty you owe this woman nothing. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. You managed to get away from her and make a life for yourself after an awful childhood - she made her bed, leave her to lie in it and feel no guilt whatsoever. Parents have no right to abuse children and then to be given care by them. It isn't tit for tat, its a case that she destroyed the relationship and abused you - NO she doesn't have any right to any expectation that you will do anything for her - get on with your life without her. (Unless this will be harmful to you, in which case do the absolute minimum that satisfies your need to feel you did the right thing - but no more. ) Hugs to you.

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