Resolving an argument with Mom, what should I do?

Nobody should be having big loud, scary fights with demented elders, for any reason. They can't and won't listen to reason because they have a brain disorder that prevents them from doing so. Your mother is paranoid and distrustful for the same reason,,,,this is classic dementia behavior.

What do you hope to accomplish with her? If she won't go into Assisted Living/Memory Care, and won't accept help from anyone, you'll have to either have her deemed incompetent by a doctor so you can get guardianship, or, wait till she hurts herself. Then she will go to the hospital and likely rehab, where they will not release her to live alone again, if she does live alone, you don't say, and then her power of choice will be removed. She will have to go to Assisted Living or Skilled Nursing for managed care and that will be that.

In the meantime, worrying yourself to this degree over something you can't control may land YOU in the hospital! Maybe look into therapy to learn some coping strategies to better manage your feelings. It's tough to have a stubborn and demented mother, I know, but it's worse to heighten your own anxiety to unmanageable levels.

Best of luck

"I need more help with setting boundaries and not letting her run my life."

Interesting. Your mother won't do as you dictate, this causes you stress and anxiety, and that is her running your life, is it?

The boundary you most need to focus on is that between her life, which is hers to screw up, and your life, which is yours.

If your mother needs support to live safely at home, and needs to make certain adjustments and adaptations as part of that, it does not follow that you get to take charge. Let somebody else intervene: her doctor, APS (if the risks are specific and severe), professional care services (who are well used to negotiating support plans with their clients), possibly hospice if she is reaching that stage. But in any case, not you.

Do not take responsibility for things which are not within your control.

Here is what you should do- you should read a few letters here every day. As you do you will find that many other loving care givers have problems like yours.

”She will not listen to reason”.

You are ABSOLUTELY RIGHT! She WILL NOT, because SHE CANNOT “listen to reason”. As JoAnn29 has explained, she has physical damage in her brain that has deprived her of the ability to act as you expect her to, or as you want her to.

There is NO CONVERSATION, NO ARGUMENT, NO DISCUSSION, that will restore your mother’s ability to benefit from what you are telling her. Whether your husband
“defended” you or not, the results of hostile or loving or mistrusting, or ANY OTHER VERBAL INTERACTIONS, are equally misunderstood and confused by someone with dementia.

When caring for a patient with multiple needs, it is ALWAYS important for the caregiver to be caring for herself or himself.

Part of this self care is understanding that it is important to access help for the patient when it is needed.

Your mother also has multiple physical problems IN ADDITION to suffering from dementia. It is obvious that you have worked hard to provide for her safety and comfort, but at a cost to yourself.

It is time for you to start developing a list of resources, including part time help and/or a survey of local residential care sites. You can begin this work online, and you will find such a search informative and empowering.

Your mother has far too much free rent in your head. It’s unhealthy to let her, or anyone, make you this upset. Don’t wait or worry about either apologizing, that’s between the two of them. Know that your mother doesn’t have to accept help, she’s free to make decisions for herself, even the ones you don’t agree with or think are bad for her. Guard your own health and marriage and back off from mom. An event will happen at some point to force change for her, until then let her live her way

Hi Clarlady. I'm going to assume that your mother does not live with you and your husband. If she has Alzheimer's/dementia and other mental illness then she should certainly not be living alone and unsupervised anymore. From what you've said here trying to be a caregiver to her is making you sick and that has to stop.
If she will not or is unable to listen to reason for her own safety, then it's out of your hands. Call APS (Adult Protective Services) in your state and explain to them what's going on. They will take over from there. Unless live-in or 24 hour caregivers in shifts is a possibility for her, she will get placed in a nursing home/LTC.
If you have lost all that weight, can't sleep at night, and now have a nervous twitch, then you're going to have a nervous breakdown. Let APS take over now.

What exactly was the argument about? Without knowing, it's hard to know how to guide you in resolving it.

On your profile you write that your 84 yo mother has Alzheimer's/dementia and "BP/NP" which I assume is bipolar/narcissistic personality?

I agree that you allow your mother to take up way too much space in your head. You have your own problems. Good on your husband for standing up for you, his wife. You are fortunate that your husband is invested in your wellbeing.

If you can give more background on what happened, and what your mother's expectations are of you, you'll get more answers.

I can only guess with all the stress you are experiencing that your mom must live with you. Your mom obviously must be suffering from some type of mental decline(though you don't mention that specifically)if she is experiencing paranoia, as that is a classic symptom of dementia/Alzheimer's. And of course with having dementia, she will never be able to reason again, so you might as well get used to that. Perhaps it's time to educate yourself on dementia/Alzheimer's, so you can better understand what your mom is going through. And because caring for her has taken such a negative toll on you, it's probably time to be looking for the appropriate facility to place her in as well. I wish you the best.

Your Mom has Dementia. As such she no longer has the ability to reason. She has short term memory so probably does not remember what was said from one day to the next, to one minute to the next. They become stubborn and have no enpathy and can be self centered. Think of her as a small child. This will only get worse. Her care will be more and more. Its OK if you can't care for her, you may need to place her for your own sanity and marriage.

Hey Clarlady,

Your husband might need to be re-assured that you are 'taking his side' Maybe, approach him as a valuable, irreplaceable member of the team; "need to care for/look after mom".
Your husband is trying hard. You are trying hard. Your mom is not making it easy.
In the end; what do you want? If you had to choose? What is the "end" goal? Your mother sounds like she has a goal, too. Maybe her goal is very limited, extreme, unrealistic and mean. Such is dementia.
After this is all said and done; where do you WANT to be?
-just a few things for thought; I am no eccentric scholar. I am merely just someone else going through the crazy, upside down, no warning, unsure reality of what our loved ones put us through...... day to day, hour-by-hour, minute to minute.

Probably need more info: What is it you're trying to get her to do? Adding one more person to the conversation can only get ugly because it become two against one.

Does she have dementia - even if not diagnosed - are there certain signs you are seeing that tells you something is wrong mentally? Has she always been hard headed or determined to do her own thing and/or very independent?