I need help, both of my parents are elderly and they both have dementia. My mother’s dementia is advancing faster than my father’s. Advice?

If your parents put their son in charge of their care, then leave him in charge of their care! If he's neglecting their care and endangering them in any way, call APS to come out and see for themselves how well or poorly they're faring under his care.

Good luck!

Leave it to your brother. If he is the one who is responsible you are only going to alienate him by doing things and appearing to undermine what he is doing. You may not approve of what he does, or think he is not doing it as you would, but stop worrying and leave it to him, at some point he will have to decide they need the care a facility can offer.

You need to begin by understanding what anyone can legally do to help them. Who is the "they" who put you "in charge"? You are only legally authorized to represent and work in their best interests if you have been assigned as someone's durable Power of Attorney. If your parents (one or both) have a medical diagnosis of dementia or cognitive impairment in their medical records, then it may be too late for them to assign any PoAs since one must be "of sound mind".

Next, one or both of them should be taken to the doctor to discount a physical reason for their issues. A UTI, thyroid problem and medication overdose can all cause dementia-like symptoms.

If they are cleared of physical causes for their mental decline, then the legally designated PoAs need to act to get them protected and cared for. From now on the PoA/caregivers cannot rely on what they say if your parents have memory issues or cognitive problems. They will think they're telling you something accurate and seem very sure about it but you cannot rely on this anymore.

If they have decline which is noted in their medical records and there is no PoA assigned, then guardianship/conservatorship is the only option left for either the family or the county. If the family doesn't pursue guardianship through the courts, then the county will eventually need to move to secure it. Once they have it, the family loses control over medical decisions and financial transparency.

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