I am a mean aging woman. How can I change? I can't even stand being with myself.

I am the originator of the question. I wanted to thank you for allowing me to post on your site from the “mean old person” perspective. I found your site from a google search for “mean old person”. I started reading your posts talking about the mean, needy and soul sucking loved ones in your life and, while very painful to see myself in your words, it helped me to realize what I am doing to my loved ones. Thanks again for letting me post even though I am not a care giver.

Seeing ourselves as 'sick' is the first step to healing.

Back to therapy--and first check with doc to see that your meds are working. Maybe time for a checkup and change out of meds if these have pooped out on you.

Sheesh---I have to say it takes a lot of courage to put your vulnerabilities out there like that.

Time will heal this kerfuffle--esp if you are apologetic to the woman involved. Does your DH often talk about you to others? I know I will go overboard complaining about my DH and feel awful afterwards. THAT is what my therapist is for, not friends or family.

Sadly, the things that you said people said to you are the exact thing we tell people on this board who are just DONE with angry, cranky family members. I guess we know it works--I'm sorry.

One thing that really helps me when I am feeling angry, cranky, mad, whatever, is to find a service project, small or large that takes me out of my own 'misery'. Doing for others is a great way to lose yourself in other's problems.

I can't fix you, none of us can, but you're aware of your failings and so you're already halfway home.

Good Luck.

((Hugs)) When I am at my most unlovable is when I need the most love.

One doesn't have to be a caregiver to post here. I'm not one myself!

Knowing you have a problem is half the battle. Too many people don't recognize how they act or how upset they are.

One way to figure it out is ask yourself "why?" enough times until you get to the root of it. Yes, just like 3-year-olds who ask why about everything.

"I'm angry!" Why?
"At my friends!" Why?
"They won't talk to me anymore." Why?
"They said I crossed a line." Why?
"I crossed a line because I'm upset with myself and kept taking it out on them." Why?
"Because deep down I'm scared of getting old, being alone." Why?
"Even though I don't want to be alone, I still push people away." Why?
"I push people away because I am afraid they will leave or hurt me somehow. So I have to do it to them first, so they won't do it to me." Why?
"Because I don't feel like I deserve any love or friends and people in my past hurt me like this, so I am always on guard and angry."

There's a ton of "why" after that, but I think you get the idea. Not saying this is how you truly feel, just an example.

While you do your mental homework, maybe ask your doctor about altering your meds. I'm on meds also for depression/anxiety (runs in my family) and sometimes meds get less effective over time.

First, I hope you’ll see your doctor. A medical evaluation is in order. Get back into your meetings for sobriety, that’s a support you need (side note, since covid I’ve noticed a nearby AA group meeting outdoors, and now around a fire pit for winter, they’re doing social distancing while also having the meetings and support they need) Another thought is to do things that make you less self focused, reach out with kind acts and communication to others. It’ll help you feel better and more positive while also helping others see that you’re aware of the issues and are seeking to improve. Sometimes I bake bread and take it to friends and family, it helps with my feelings and relationships

Actually you are allowing us to see the other side. Helping us understand why women become "mean" people.

You seem to be much like one of my sons. He is generally a very caring and sweet person, but gets angry at small things and lashes out verbally at family members. His current girlfriend and I are the only family now who will talk to him, brother and father long ago gave up. I can't, of course, diagnose him, but I'm sure it's some sort of mental disorder that causes his outbursts. He has only done it once to me and at the very instant he did it, I marched to his house to confront him and by the time I got there he was already saying sorry. My son is also sober now, but what the drinking did to him over the years has to be part of this. I agree with JoAnn, get help from a doctor and return to meetings. What you've done and said already might haunt you, but once you get the help you need, you will find ways to deal with what is past. We can change. I suggest private therapy as well as a doctor"s help and meetings. Friends may return or you find new friends. I wish you the best.

Life's a bitch and people are awful. We all put so much stock into friendship, a spouse is supposed to be more significant. That said- what does your husband not know about you yet to make him think it'd be acceptable to talk about you with your friend behind your back?
How does he not know better? With people like that in your life, you don't need enemies!
Honey, this isn't an alcohol issue, doesn't sound like a drug issue either. You're way past all that. Unless you think you're not past it all.
You got yourself used to a certain way of thinking and being, you've been conditioned. Like they say, old habits die hard. Our attitudes are just as much habits as our vices. And although the older we get the harder it is to change our ways- the good news is that it is possible. But that's a choice YOU have to make, it's wholly up to you.
I know I'm old now but I was still a teenager(barely) when you stopped drinking. Just being honest- if my math is right then you should be getting close to retirement age, thinking about your golden years and planning cross country RV trips but instead you're having to deal with backstabbing friends and a clueless husband. He needs to get some act right.
I've lost a lot of family members and the person by their side as life ebbed away was their spouse. Not their friends. It's great to have companionship and an advocate but if you can't trust that person wholeheartedly then what's the point? Trust is earned.
Sorry if it's not very good advice but - they should know better. The world has changed. If I'm stuck in a lockdown or stuck in life with you then don't do stuff that makes me not like you. Life's hard enough without all the extra. All the best to you.
I'm adding this to make sure I'm emphasizing it adequately. This has nothing to do with alcohol. Unless YOU think you have a problem more than 30 yrs later. If meetings were the answer for everyone, we'd have it made in the shade. It's perplexing that so many ppl jumped the gun here, get back to meetings, here's a national hotline. Blah blah blah Hopefully it's just this thread and not society as a whole that's over the top hypersensitive. Awareness is great but being hypersensitive about it only serves to minimize a real problem that some people experience. Like my dad, for instance.
Next, I'd say about 80-85% of our population needs behavior modification/ counseling/ therapy and not all are because of drugs and/ or alcohol either. Btw, that percentage is on the low side. Who isn't relying on something these days to get through it anyway? The aging community especially rely on things like insulin, nebulizers, oxygen, benzos, thyroid meds.. etc you get the picture. They don't all need AA meetings. They need God and exercise. And most ppl could use some therapy too. Which, if you think about it, is just a more detailed version of a closed AA meeting.

Can I ask you a question? You say you've been sober since 1987. So you are not an active alcoholic anymore. Here is my question.
Is it possible that you are what is known as a 'dry drunk'? Which is an alcoholic who has quit drinking but did not change any of the behaviors that come with alcoholism? Please for your own sake start going to back to meetings. Even if you do them online because of Covid restrictions. Bottom line, you need to get back in a recovery program.
If you were ever in AA then you've got a copy of the Blue Book. Start reading that again because it will help. You don't need to end it or lash out. My friend, you need to start being honest with yourself and make amends as best you can to the people in your life who have suffered because of your behavior. This will set you free. Then start going back to AA meetings regularly.

sorry, I find that totally unacceptable. I would be very upset, and feel very betrayed by both my husband and my friend, if I found out they were talking behind my back about me. Lashing out about that for me is a normal reaction, and not due to any addiction.

As for your past addiction, and behavior connected to it, I am not qualified to give an opinion about. :)

I hope you can get past this and get better soon. I wish you all the best.

You say you are on meds for mood disorders. Have these medications made you BETTER or made you WORSE, or has there been no change. Many medications used to treat depression have the side effect of loosening the tongue, and of making one quick to anger. In fact some side effects include violent acting out. So first suggestion I have is to speak with your therapist/MD about the medications you are on, and your impulsivity.
As to your having a reaction to coming in on being discussed by others, I would say that SOME reaction is understandable, even appropriate. Certainly it is time to sit down with the two and say "Let's discuss together all you have to say about me; let's see where your honest opinion may help me, and where I think you are just entertaining yourselves by gossiping."
I want to say lastly that you have come to us asking how you can be less "mean". That shows an honest intent to gain some perspective, to understand yourself, to learn different ways to react.
Have you tried talk therapy, cognitive therapy at all? I recommend it.
And yes, yes, yes. You will know, if you are familiar with AA, the term "dry drunk". You might consider DOING THE WORK, getting back to AA. You would be welcome.
Congratulations on the since 1987. Wow! Congratulations, and the best of luck. I admire your honestly and your intent to change your own life. You will be so much happier if you are able to do so. We become so very comfortable with our own behavior, and it is so difficult to break our own habits. I remember after doing a lot of work with a counselor on my own problem, being met in the hall by a supervisor who said "Alva, what's happened with you! It's like you have had an epiphany". It's been my favorite word ever since that several decades ago day. So my advice is, keep trying. It is so lovely to be praised instead of criticizes. You have an INTENT to change. That is a HUGE STEP.