My LO was placed there after careful consideration and a thorough review of all options. There is an elder home on every street corner in my area, so it wasn't like we didn't have options. We picked what we felt was best for her. I also made an unsuccessful attempt at caring for her in her home before we sought placement. She is a frustrating, entitled person but is very much cared about. Apparently, another resident's family got the attention of the media and was able to forward pictures of the facility to the news station here. There is no visitation, so I guess the resident took the pictures. Pictures all seemed to be relatively minor things that could happen anywhere - one of the "infractions" had just happened to me in my own home!! (Am I going to have a news photographer knocking on my door?) Quite frankly, the nursing home pictures kind of looked like they could have been staged by someone looking to cause a ruckus and I wonder if they were. Any complaints I have personally had about this facility have been minor. And, as I said above, these facilities are all over the place in my area so moving her would be possible if I felt it were needed. It's not needed. Minor problems are just the nature of the beast when we're talking about a large facility filled with elders afflicted with a variety of things.
My LO believes she's "just fine" and could live elsewhere completely on her own, so she's been highly critical of the NH the entire time she's been there (multiple years she's been there). She is having a field day with this news coverage and won't stop talking about it with a "see, I told you so" type of triumphant tone/attitude. Almost like she's showing me that SHE was right all along. The care she's getting is very comprehensive and there are no issues - except she just doesn't want to live there and thinks she's too good for such a place. Reality is that she needs 24/7 care and this is the best way for her to get it. She will never accept her limitations or agree with the reasons why she must live in a facility, but how can I shut down the upset that this news expose has caused her? She needs to live in peace!! I told her there's no perfect place or no perfect system and tried changing the subject. It's still very much in the forefront of her mind. Plus, there is a family member who undoubtedly keeps bringing it up - just to stir the pot. Any ideas?
5 Answers
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
Is she *really*upset about the news coverage, or is she just enjoying the drama she can create around it? If she's genuinely upset, then that's one thing, but if she's using it as a "means to an end" to justify coming back home - wherever that home might be - then let her be upset.
As far as this pot-stirring other family member is concerned - any way you can tell him/her to MYOB as far as your LO is concerned, or will that just create more drama? Maybe if that person would just shut up about it, things might get better.
ADVERTISEMENT
My mother is now in a NH after years in the next door AL and then a hospitalization that has made her immobile walking wise. I am allowed a specific hourly visit during weekdays. I go once or twice a week. I am able to see improvements with issues I have brought up. Most facilities seem to be easing up on visitation to a degree.
Fortunately my mother does not want to move. At this point she is in no shape to do so and I feel is bonding with some employees there especially PT ones. I am sorry you are going through this. My mother neglected so many issues for many years. It was and is a cause of much frustration. I am her only child and for years had to deal with her avoidance of medical issues. I understand the feeling of dealing with the aftermath of all that.
The negative issues featured really did look staged to some extent. It was things akin to a paper towel on the floor next to the trash can rather than in it (oh, the horror!). A dried coffee stain on a countertop. Older flooring which was not dirty - just old with some wear. They showed a nasty clogged drain which indeed turned my stomach, but it seemed to have been included for shock value. A plumbing problem can happen anywhere and the maintenance man is a true stand up guy, so I don't believe he simply ignored the problem (as what was being implied). It was the types of things that can happen in a large facility housing elders with multiple problems. It was nothing that made me wonder with disgust "how the heck could that happen?" Even the clogged drain was something where I see how it happened - it's just yucky to look at, so let's fix it and move on - which is probably what happened right after the photo was taken. I'm thinking the reporter just jumped on this because he/she is tired of talking about COVID so much. I also suspect reporter does not have much (if any) experience with nursing homes or the types of people served there.
This situation has been rough. My LO basically skated through life as if it's one big party neglecting health, finances, and most responsibility in general. Whenever it was time to pay the piper, she cried the pity party and someone always rescued. As she got deeper and deeper into health and financial trouble, she came crying to me. I refused to rescue - therefore I am considered unloving, etc - but I still am the most logical person she has in terms of getting things done. I did help her problem solve based on the facts at hand (which were ugly), but no rescuing. She was not used to someone bouncing the responsibility back to her, but someone should have done this years ago. I guess it was easier to bail her out? I relied on facts and made decisions based on that. Facts can be cold and hard. However, relying on what feels good in the moment is how she got where she is. And now I'm the bad guy for making her live in medical and financial reality.
Her lack of recognition that she is in a facility because she has dementia and can't manage outside one is called anosognosia; it is fairly common in some types of dementia.
I wasn't suggesting that you actually move her, but sometimes if you say to a person with dementia " I hear your concern, I will look into that", it mollifies them and allows them to move on to another topic.
If s/he is competent, I think my attitude would be "wow, maybe there is a better place out there; here is the list of names and numbers. Do let me know when you'd like the ambulette to move you".
If she is no longer competent, I think I'd say "yes, what an interesting story in the news. Would you like some cookies or should we go for a walk?
Leave if she persists.
Legally, I'm not sure if she's technically considered competent at this moment or not. I'm thinking not, but she is oriented to self, others, and place. Her time table gets messed up frequently, but she knows who and where she is. She hasn't hallucinated in several years (that I know of) and her mental situation is much better *after* facility placement than it was before that. Facility is managing her meds and comorbidities such that she's actually improved since she's been placed - but not enough to leave there!
This is what's causing a lot of the grief for her (and for me). She knows what's going on (more or less) and that she's been placed in a facility. She does have dementia and can showtime, but it's not the type of dementia where she repeats and lives the same moment over and over. It's more where she can't manage a house, forgets important safety issues, uses poor judgment when alone, moments where she would "zone out" and no one knew why, medication errors, falls, multiple physical problems, and things like that where she needs a facility. She's nowhere close to ever being able to leave facility life. She knows exactly where she is (although sometimes she thinks she's actually at a different nursing home...), but the ongoing problem is the disagreement over the reason(s) she's in a facility. This media attention has revved it all up again.
It's funny that you mentioned saying "wow, maybe there's a better place out there" because I almost said to her "where would you like to go instead" but I stopped myself. I was so afraid that it would energize her that moving out was actually a possibility (it's not). She did have someone " on the outside" who went and found her a place a while back and I had to call the place to cancel whatever had been discussed and tell them she wasn't coming. If she ever somehow succeeded in moving (she won't get that far), I would step away and would no longer be the contact. Her whole situation is sad, but I'm a human being and I've had quite enough.
I want to be sympathetic to her situation and I think the real problem is her overall lack of acceptance of her circumstances. You're right that she needs an ambulette to go anywhere.... but if you ask her, she will say she can travel by car and it's no big deal - if only someone would just help her in/out of the car!! She spent most of her life somewhat out of touch with any portion of reality which she found distasteful. I'm sure there are plenty of people in that facility who became aware of the news coverage, but it didn't bother them for a multitude of different reasons.