6 of Dad's children cleared his house without consent as he's in the hospital. I want to tell him, they say leave it until he's on way home!

Your Dad sounds like a character and I mean in a good way! After all he has been through, good and bad, I think he will be ok with it eventually. But that being said, I agree with what you are saying about how it was done. Like taking away his right to a say in it. Maybe if someone had fore warned him that they were clearing out his home a little bit he wouldn't be that 'surprised' when he finds out. Still ticked off a but at least he would have his pride.
I know you don't believe this now, but you are lucky to have that many siblings helping out and hopefully when he does come home, they will spare him some time helping him keep his home straightened up and not run and hide when he really needs help. I think you are really just worried about him and the diagnosis and how you will be able to contribute.
Hope this all works out and you will let us know what has come about with your Dad. Mine passed away 15 yrs ago and I miss him still to this day. He was never a clutter bug, but my Mom on the other hand-she makes up for it. lol Not as bad as she used to be though.
Take care and hope your Mum is doing well, too. You have so much on your plate. sending hugs from the US.

The man is in the hospital and is not well. You just don't dump upsetting news on someone in that condition.

Don't tell him anything at this time.

My brother and I did this when our mom was in the hospital and rehab from surgery. Somebody had to. My sister who lived out of town agreed with us. Luckily we were all on the same page.

Itsaboutdad, you've muddled your ripping off the plaster metaphor. The choice is between doing it quickly or slowly. Not between now or later. But to take your example along a little further, it is also wise when doing this to have something positive to distract the person with, such as a strawberry ice lolly or - in this case - a comfortable home.

But you are determined to be his champion and to tell him and nobody is going to change your mind. As that's so, make sure you tell him the good bits. Remember that you are aiming to reduce his trauma and not to feed the fear and anger. Deal with your indignation towards your siblings separately.

It might not be what is best to tell your Dad right now. He needs to get his strength back and be as stress free as possible. Just be supportive of him when he does get home.

I do understand your anger. My sister did the exact same thing while Mom was in the hospital and Dad was in respite care. I realize the house needed to be decluttered for safety reasons but sis was ruthless about it and got rid of a lot of things that Mom cared about, nice things. Mom was beside herself when she came home. She never did stop asking where her favorite stuff had gone..

I know hind sight is 20 20 and safety must come first but perhaps there are kinder ways....

I'm torn on this one:

Having a mom who is a hoarder and not a terrible one--no major vermin infestation or rotting food--but she's sliding into that. YB had removed a piece of the dropped ceiling and I did see some evidence of mice.

She ASKED me, about 6 years ago, to please come clean and organize her apartment to be 'like your (my) house'.

The 'joy' ended within an hour when she realized that in order to create organized empty spaces out of piles of books, puzzles, newspapers and 4 curio cabinets jammed with 'stuff' there would have to be about a 50% reduction in her 'stuff'. She could not part with anything. Things of great value are snugged up against rotting plastic frogs bought at the dollar store. EVERYTHING is of value to her.

I lasted almost 2 days and went home, sobbing, with a massive migraine. She actually went out to the trash with her 'grabby stick' to try to retrieve the rotted plastic frog, which to this day is still in a place of honor. It's my reminder that there is no point in cleaning for her.

HOWEVER--as soon as she falls again, Sis and I have already planned an
'unasked for' cleaning. For safety safe, mostly, and to give her some room to move around. I'm embarassed for people to come visit her, the place reeks and is so messy. BUT it's HER stuff and dam&ed be the rest of us who don't 'like it'.

So--my guess is your dad is going to be furious and not the least bit grateful. Same as I expect of mom when this happens.

Hoarding is a disease that can be mild or severe. Mom's is mid-range, I'd guess. She does allow trash to go out, but only the night before trash day. And as she is incontinent, and won't let her soggy depends go out until Sunday night, it gets really ripe in her place. She cannot smell anything any more.

Unless a person WANTS to change, they won't. My DH saw me de junking (the Marie Kondo method) and he did his clothes and drawers and has kept them up for 7+ years. There's hope!

Here's an idea, but all of your siblings need to be in on it.
A couple days before your father is supposed to go home, act excited and tell him that everyone has a big surprised for him when he gets home.
Put up some party decorations, get a cake, make a sign that says, 'Welcome Home' like a little party. He probably will be happy that all of you are there and not so angry about the cleaning up.
If he mad and starts carrying on, do what parents so often do to us. Put him on a guilt-trip about all the trouble you and your siblings to and that you all just wanted to surprise him and get his house looking good.
Also, your siblings were not wrong to clean up his house if it was an unsanitary and dangerous place for him to be in. In a hoarder's house it is too overwhelming for them to clean it up themselves even when they're not elderly and especially if they have dementia. You state in a comment that your dad has dementia but is not lacking in mental capacity. Yes, he is if he has it. Hoarding is a type of mental illness in of itself. Your siblings had to try and make his environment safe to reduce the the risk of another trip to the hospital.

My cousin was a hoarder. I was concerned for her safety so when she was in the hospital we cleaned apartment and stored items that were a hazard. It took about almost a week to clean and store . No wonder she would fall and trip. We got rid of old food that had expired 2 years ago. Clothes she never wore were packed up and put in her storage. Large furniture pieces she would trip on were placed in her storage. When she returned home she was grateful we did that for her, but wondering what we did with all her things. She was happy we stored them. People in the apartment complex came to visit more frequently because she had a place for them to sit and her place was clean. We hired a cleaning lady which is working out very well. I think your family did the right thing for your fathers safety. I would wait for him to return home and he will see for himself and then they can explain to him why they did it. I am concerned for your fathers safety, it might be a time for a family meeting with him present to discuss the need for home care or facility. Good luck.

You are asking for advice but don't really want advice, obviously. You appear to be chomping at the bit to tell your father the "horrible" thing his children have done by cleaning up his home and making it habitable for him to return to. Are you trying to be The Good Guy here, is that it? Getting your dad SO upset and agitated that he will check himself out of the hospital AMA *against medical advice* and perhaps return to the hospital again as a result?

Your father's children were trying to do a good thing for him, whether you agree with their decision and methodology or not. If you agitate him on purpose right now, you're trying to do a bad thing for him and it won't help him in any way, shape or form.

When he gets home from the hospital, I suggest you celebrate the nice condition of his home and commend the family for working so hard to help him restore safety and order to his life. Come to terms with and accept the fact that he does have dementia, whether the diagnosis or lack of one meets your specifications or not, and realize he should no longer be living alone. THAT is the main issue to focus on moving forward, not whether his children insulted him by cleaning up his hoarded home. He was clearly not safe living in those conditions, let's face it, and is lucky to be alive.

Not good. Can you let him stay with you under your care so he never has to see what they did? Some people have no consideration to what their actions can do to people. If you can do that you can just ask what he wants from his house & hopefully it's there so you can bring it over. Tell him it's just easier if you do it. When my grandmother went to a nursing home temporarily after a fall, they cleaned out her apartment. I told her. Yes it's the truth but it drops the floor out from under them. She didn't say anything. But it was the end for her in that moment she realized & they didn't have to jump the gun. People should wait out of respect.

Clearly SOMETHING is up with his brain otherwise his brain scan would have been normal, which it wasn't. He does have dementia but it's unclear what type and how progressed it is. Considering you say he's shown signs for many years - since he was 6 um, really? - and he is a hoarder, his brain is not functioning properly anymore. He should not be living alone.

I think your siblings did him a huge favor by cleaning out his unsafe house. At least now he can get in-home help, which he needs even if it's just a few days a week to make sure he's eating, bathing, taking meds, etc.

Telling him now serves no other purpose than to agitate him when he's in the hospital and may well sign himself out AMA if you tell him. When he arrives home, I suggest as many of his children as possible be there to help him accept that his house is now cleared out. He also needs mental health treatment for the hoarding.

This is a complicated and emotional situation.
Once when my mom was in the hospital with her CHF and scheduled for rehab, it was decided we should make the home easier for her to navigate with the anticipated walker and/or wheelchair she might need and the possible need for caregivers.

My mother was very upset when she returned home at all she imagined was gone forever.
She had begun to isolate herself in one room of her home, often napping in her chair and sleeping on the sofa at night.
After the rehab it was nice for her to have room to safely utilize her entire home and not just live in one room. They removed all the things that had accumulated in hallways and on every flat surface. All the excess plastic, paper and cardboard alone made a huge difference. She had gotten where she saved every gift bag or box, tissue paper, ribbon, fabrics from old projects. Calendars and magazines. junk mail. Plastic bags from the grocery.
With time on her hands she would sit and think of things she thought were missing. After awhile she obsessed less over the imagined losses.
But there were times we had to go back through our thought process on why changes had to be made. I saw first hand how upsetting it was for her that others had purged her belongings even though the truly visible items were really just trash. It looked so much better she just knew important things were missing.
We would remind ourselves that she wanted to live at home. The space had to be adjusted. It was time to think about what worked for everyone involved, not just her. As it turned out she never needed to use the wheelchair to navigate her home but she did use the walker and life was much easier when she had overnight guests.

We also had to threaten a few of her nomadic grands to stop parking their treasures (clutter) in her home. it was easier after it was made clear that it would be dumped at their expense if left too long. They got the message.

My mom didn’t go looking for things to hoard but what came in was not leaving just because she didn’t need it. In time it worked out and it needed to be done but the distress she felt was real. So I do understand your concern.

Like most things there are degrees of mental illness and your dads distress may need treatment. Speak to his doctor.

If I were you I would be Switzerland on the subject. You didn’t do it but there is no need to be vindictive of the ones who did. Allow your father to have his own feelings not reinforced by your anger. You can provide comfort without placing blame.

Again, Your upset is not unreasonable except where it makes it harder for your dad to accept what can’t be undone.

I agree with waiting until he has finished his rehab. If it would make him so upset that he would cut short his treatment, then you really really need to discuss this with his doctor for appropriate precautions.

Let us know how it goes.

I would suggest staying out of it. I can't see it would do any good by telling him - he will know soon enough, right? Sounds like you sibs are going to have to form a united front in dealing with Dad and his safety. Why alienate each other? And it is hardly disloyal when the question of can he safely live alone is considered..

This is done (I would have cautioned against doing this at all). There is no reason now to provoke anxiety by telling him; I agree there is more at issue here than the clean out. Is Dad safe on his own in his mobile now, particularly if he is a hoarder. As was already said on another thread today, clearing out a hoard will only cause anxiety and the hoarder being desperate to fill up this empty space. Wishing you good luck, whichever way you choose going forward. This is more common than you can know.

My mom is a hoarder and I can tell you from my experience, that what your siblings did is the only way to make any changes in the living environment.

Please do not make this a negative thing. Be happy about it, even if you have to fake it.

I would be telling him how wonderful that items that just took up space and created confusion have been dealt with and how lovely that he can be in an environment that will help him focus on getting better and having more fun.

I think that you can help him see the good in this.

I do not agree with going behind our parents back and doing things but, I have tried to help my mom and it was a waste of 6 weeks of my life and now she lives in a house that is dangerous and it is embarrassing for her, meaning it impacts her social life. I promise you that I would be there clearing crap out the moment she gets hospitalized, because I know that it is beyond her ability to even see where to start. I think it is that way in many hording cases.

Just organizing the stuff would make a HUGE difference but, you can not even touch garbage without drama.

Maybe how they did it was not okay but, it was meant for good. Direct dad to see the benefits of having stuff gone. Don't make a big issue out of it and maybe he won't either.

Removing your father's possessions without your father's consent was wrong, I agree. But it will still be wrong in a week's time, and you will still have had nothing to do with it.

The difference is that if you tell him now you will make him angry and afraid: he will learn that your evil siblings have stolen his treasures, and as you're angry about it on his behalf his reaction will be wholly, and worse than, negative.

If you wait until he gets home, he will see for himself that while some of his treasure is missing his house is now habitable. Possibly even sustainably habitable. Don't you want him to consider the advantages of what your siblings have done?

If you are loyal to your father and love him, you will keep anything about his future OUT OF CURRENT CONVERSATION.

I would not tell him.

If your Dad went without water and food for 4 days there is a problem. He may have Dementia. He has been in the hospital for 7 days, I am pretty sure rehab will be suggested, if to only get his strength back.

While Dad is in rehab have him evaluated. If they say he now needs 24/7 care then your family has a decision to make. If he can afford it, may want to place him in an Assisted Living. If no money, Long term care on Medicaid or someone cares for him in his home or their home.

Hoarding is a mental disorder that requires the help of an experienced and licensed therapist to overcome. I understand your family's caring act of clearing out his hoard but he will be angry and will fill it up again if he is allowed to go back home. I think you and your family are not interpreting the situation correctly. If your dad was found on the floor he is probably no longer able to live alone and should be transitioned into a care facility where he will get the physical and medical care he needs. Maybe request one of the doctors at the hospital to perform a cognitive exam on him so that his mental abilities are recorded and he can be cared for properly. Did anyone take pictures of his home before it was cleared out, so they could be shown to social services? If no one has PoA for him then if he hoards again APS must be called. There is no point to clearing out the house over and over. Been there, done that. It's pointless and exhausting.

Why do you want to insert yourself into the middle of this drama by being the one to "tattle"? If you weren't on board with the clean-out and weren't on board with keeping it a secret then don't be the one who tells him and don't be the one who takes him back to his house (if that's what happens next). Your dad will be angry no matter what at everyone. You need boundaries for yourself so that you can stop being sucked into his circus. Do you live with him? Perhaps you have a co-dependent relationship. It would probably be helpful for you to see the hoarding therapist so you can know where the healthy boundaries are. I wish you much peace in your heart as you try to help your father in a productive way.

My mom was not a hoarder, in the true and extreme sense of the word. Her house was not loaded to the rafters but she did not want to part with any old magazines, paperwork, etc. She went out of town early in her dementia. I had a long weekend to go through it all and trashed lots and lots of stuff. When she returned home, she didn't notice a thing was different.

Don't tell dad, he may not notice and actually be secretly grateful. What a wonderful task your siblings did for him.

Do you have a hoarding disorder yourself?

Why do any of you think that it's a good idea for your mentally ill father to return home to a house we will hoard up again? He is clearly no longer able to care for himself.

Will he be going to rehab after his hospitalization?