Struggling with choosing my well-being over my mother's. If I claim her as a dependent can the expense be deducted from our taxes?

Paying her expenses and then claiming her as a dependent won't get you anything except the standard deduction for another person. The financial bar to deduct medical expenses is very high. You may deduct only the amount of your total medical expenses that exceed 7.5% of your adjusted gross income. If you claim her as a dependent then you'd have to pay the first 7.5% of your adjusted gross income before you can even start deducting anything, and most assisted living costs aren't considered medical expenses. She needs stay independent and then get approved for Medicaid. and move to a nursing home. You do not want to do any co-mingling of funds or of expenses.

Also, she could live a very long, long time. My dad is heading to 100 this year. Making plans to sell our home, retire closer to our children, and enjoy life has been on hold "until Daddy dies". I've come to realize he is literally going to live forever as he has only a few minor medical problems with the exception of mild dementia and blindness.

I've been down this road before which is the reason I'm struggling. I had to move my dad to a nursing home 5 years ago and grant it he was in worse shape than my mother but died 6 months later. He gave up and lost the will to live. I knew this as he reminded me constantly that I condemned him to death as he liked to say. The first 3 months were great, went in walking on his own with a walker and within 3 months was wheelchair bound. I sat at his bedside when he died. I know I can apply for Medicaid and in our state Medicaid doesn't cover assisted living, so nursing care is the only option. I will add that my mom is difficult and tough to get along with. Currently she has a private room and on Medicaid she would have to share. I hired an elder law lawyer when I had to apply for medicaid for my dad and try to preserve my mom's assets and I may have to go that route again. I appreciate your kinds words and deep down I know which way I will have to go to preserve my future life, it's such a difficult situation. Thank you.

I've been down this road before which is the reason I'm struggling. I had to move my dad to a nursing home 5 years ago and grant it he was in worse shape than my mother but died 6 months later. He gave up and lost the will to live. I knew this as he reminded me constantly that I condemned him to death as he liked to say. The first 3 months were great, went in walking on his own with a walker and within 3 months was wheelchair bound. I sat at his bedside when he died. I know I can apply for Medicaid and in our state Medicaid doesn't cover assisted living, so nursing care is the only option. I will add that my mom is difficult and tough to get along with. Currently she has a private room and on Medicaid she would have to share. I hired an elder law lawyer when I had to apply for medicaid for my dad and try to preserve my mom's assets and I may have to go that route again. I appreciate your kinds words and deep down I know which way I will have to go to preserve my future life, it's such a difficult situation. Thank you.

If you give your retirement funds to your Mother's care, then what about YOU and your husband. To tell the truth your obligation is to yourselves unless you are independently wealthy. Whether you can cleain her as a dependent or not is neither here nor there as it would make so little difference in all of this. She could well live two more decades.
You are correct that there is no upside in this, but for you to sacrifice all three of you to it is more than a downside, it is a disaster for your future. Please don't do this. Mom will go on Medicaid. I hope that the place that accepts her is a good one and she is relatively happy there, but you MUST not fund this to your own expense.

Why do you think a NH would be a death sentence?

I will admit that I used to think that, based on statistics. Many elders pass away shortly after admission to a NH, but that's because they are ill.

My mom, post stroke, CHF and post hip fracture repair surgery was admitted to a NH that accepts Medicaid in September 2013. I thought "well, that's it for mom" and started thinking about her funeral.

Mom died in late August 2017. She got excellent care in the NH. She lived for nearly 4 years there.

I doubt if claiming her would get you back all that much. Have you asked her AL director about Medicaid, do they take it? Since she has paid privately, Medicaid may pay for her continued care.

Please, do not use your own money. You and your husband deserve to retire on time with money put aside for your care when needed. There are nice LTC facilities. Actually, I think my Mom got better care in the NH than her AL. In my State, u start the Medicaid application about 90 days before you run out of money. This gives u time to spend down her assets, get them paperwork needed and place her.

There are many on this forum who have transitioned LOs into nursing homes and it was NOT a death sentence. When was the last time you were in a nice, new, well-run facility? The covid crisis is just about over, and the facilities have learned how to deal with that. You are "horribilizing" something without facts and it's causing you to think emotionally rather than rationally and objectively. Your husband and marriage are a priority over your mother. Your mother will benefit from being in a place where there is a richer social environment, activities, medical care, etc. If she is assessed for either MC or LTC she can apply for Medicaid. I think instead of asking this crowdsourced form for possibly inaccurate info I'd invest in a consult with an elder law attorney/estate planner who has experience with Medicaid. If you attempt to finance your mom's care you will be robbing both you and your husband's futures. Please think this through very carefully with the guidance of an expert. I wish you much wisdom and peace in your heart as you research a solution.