Charlene63 Asked March 2021

Nursing home called to let me know that my dad has taken up a relationship with a female patient. Anyone deal with this before?

Finally after 6 months we got my dad close to all of us in a fantastic nursing home, smaller in size and he has never looked better.
I got an alarming call today explaining now they will be moving him to a private room on another floor as he has been inseparable with another FEMALE patient ...kissing, holding hands ect. When it was brought to their attention or his, he slammed his door ect.
While I am beyond heartbroken for him I do understand because of cognitive issues this may not be appropriate!!!
Has anyone ever dealt with this...??? I’m so sad for him and embarrassed as he really doesn’t understand being separated ect. I’m also worried, what if they can’t keep him?
Any advice or thoughts I’d love to hear. I was so happy visits were beginning next weeek here in Vermont, dining room, entertainment ect..he is every workers favorite ...thanks everyone ...just when I had hoped things were going good for once for him..now what?

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My husband of 31 yrs (second marriage for both of us) recently moved to a small, residential care home. He knows me, sort of. He has no memory of a darn thing we’ve done together all those years. He’s having a hard time adjusting to the change - mostly because he doesn’t see his problem. If he found love at his new home, I’d be relieved that it made him happy there. He’s had dementia for years. The guy I married is long gone. I love this guy and will always take care of him, but he’s now child-like. Nothing would make me happier than for him to find mental peace and relief from his anxiety over his many delusions. I don’t care how that comes about.

Helpful Answer (27)

I am sorry this has happened to your union but I applaud you for your honest and forgiving attitude to the situation. It seems as you are able to continue with a life for yourself that is not mired with negativity.

I didn't have the relationship with my mother that I might have preferred but I find I am able to visit her in the NH environment she is now in and try my best to meet any needs she has which are very limited as she is only mobile in a wheelchair. We both share a love of books. I am able to bring her ones that I myself have enjoyed reading and she has also. I am sad after each visit to a degree as she would love to even be able to stand. That doesn't seem likely but a message such as yours helps me to try to focus on the positive.

(5)

Former Supreme Court Judge Sandra Day O”Connor wrote about her husband with Alzheimer’s who met a lady in his memory care and fell in love. Her family also knew about them. She said at first she was hurt, but then realized they were happy and no longer knew their spouses and family. She said she and the other family visited regularly with both of them until they passed away.

Helpful Answer (22)

This is pretty common. My mom and dad were in assisted living, mom died and we moved dad to the memory care unit in the same facility. He immediately glommed onto a lady who looked a little like my mom, would introduce her as L, my wife, they’d hold hands and sit together at mealtime. They both had fairly advanced dementia. The staff was used to this and kept an eye on things. Once or twice dad tried to crawl into bed with her but staff was there to deal with it and divert him.

I was worried the lady’s family might demand some action be taken but they never did. I don’t even know if she had any family active in her care.

I don’t think this is anything to freak out about but it seems that the administration in your case is acting a little harshly. Have a talk. See what’s really going on. It could be a situation that’s harder to handle for the staff than what I went through with my dad.

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I’m preparing for my 78 year old husband with dementia to move to a facility...and actually HOPING that he finds a girlfriend! No one should live as isolated as he’s been living these past few years. If your/his finances are protected, where’s the harm? I’d welcome a woman in my husband’s life as a distraction from yelling at me. It could be so much worse! They could be teenagers. Dad could be attracted to another man. Count your blessings and say your prayers! People need each other. It’s how we were made.

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My mom, who has mid stage dementia, has had 2 boyfriends in the last year. The relationship moved way past kissing! The first got moved to a nursing home due to a fall. She found the next one a few months later. Same story. She refers to them as her husband. My dad has been gone for 11 years. It was a little unsettling to us at first, especially the nature of the relationship, but it keeps her happy and occupied, especially because we aren't open for visiting yet. The staff seems to get him back to his room in the evening. I don't think it's unusual. A friend to mine years ago, had his mother with multiple boyfriends and his dad was still alive so it was upsetting, but we have to remember they aren't who they use to be because if this horrible disease.

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My uncle, a devoted husband and devout Catholic developed a lovely relationship with a lady at his memory care shortly after he was moved there. My aunt died of a massive heart attack a few weeks after moving him in (he was a wanderer; she claimed that no one could care for him the way she could). I would let this be.

Helpful Answer (12)

Our Papa was in an AL for almost 9 years and about halfway a new female resident moved in. She was from a small town near where Papa was raised and they fell in love after deciding they probably knew each other as teenagers (our Mama had dies as had her hubs). Never got past holding hands and doing everything together. We just added Stella to our family and would sometimes take her with us when we took Papa out. Her family moved her to a different facility about an hour away so once a month I'd drive us up there to have lunch with her and visit. It was a beautiful thing for both of them (both were in their upper 80's) and we were just happy Papa was so happy. Let them have such an unexpected and sweet blessing. Talk to the facility to find out what their issue with it is. Best wishes! 💖✌😎

Helpful Answer (12)

Maybe the girlfriend's family has a problem with this?

Myself, I think it is wonderful that he is able to develop this relationship. Some, do not feel that way.

Helpful Answer (11)

But so what if her family doesn’t like it? I know many have raised that as a possibility but even if they don’t like it— so what? Both of them are adults so as long as it’s consensual the family doesn’t have to like or agree w it, these sort of adult children disgust me— have to control everything and treat their parents like children

(1)

I would find out why they are moving him.

Does her family have an issue with the relationship? Does she?

I think that it is cruel to say that they can't have comfort in each other. It's not like she is going to end up pregnant, if things could even progress to that point.

Don't be horrified, be thankful that your dad has found someone that touches his heart and makes him feel better.

My grandmother did the same thing and it didn't last very long but, it gave her comfort that none of us could.

Helpful Answer (11)

I think the facility should have let you know BEFORE moving him. The question is Why separate them if they're not being inappropriate? That said, perhaps there are activities they can meet together at - try to suggest this. Or perhaps they can write or FaceTime one another until slowly the relationship fades. Last, I hope he finds another friend to peak his interest. I just don't understand why two people in a NH who "fall in love" cant be allowed to do so as long as they both are happy and not doing anything inappropriate .

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Nursing home called to let me know that my dad has taken up a relationship with a female patient. Anyone deal with this before?

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