Hello, I’m coming here for help because my father has been diagnosed with Mild dementia. Currently I organize his pills in an automatic machine and take him to 2-3 doctor appts a week. I also clean up messes in his apartment and recently had to get POA over his bank acct. The thing is my father has never been a good person. He lies, he manipulates people and plays mind games. He also has never been good with money and has spent most of his life living off of women. I do not have respect for who he is. And with the dementia I’m doing my best. But when I try to combat some of the games he plays, and lies he tells, everyone excuses it as the dementia. He does get confused....but the primary things that are driving me crazy are who he has been his entire life. The same games, and he same lies, the same manipulation. I feel alone in dealing with this. Does anyone else care for a parent they don’t like and is not a good person? How do you deal with it?
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Have you asked yourself why? You will find on this forum it always seems to be one child that has empathy for a parent that does not have the ability to show empathy back. They have no idea how to love and Dementia only makes it worse.
Your profile says he is in Independent living. This good but he will need more care so eventually Assisted Living will be needed. If he can't afford that then LTC with medicaid paying. Do not take him to live with you. Hard to live with someone you don't respect.
Find him resources. Find him care but don't u be doing that care. When the time comes, let the State take over his care. Make sure you set boundries. All u need to do is make sure he is safe and cared for. You owe him nothing else especially your life. He has made his bed.
I say this from a similar situation. My ex gave up his parental rights to his only child. My now DH adopted her. I tried to keep ex in her life. Sending him her ball schedules and other things. He chose not to be there. He made a decent wage but left her nothing. He died in filth sitting in front of his TV with beer cans everywhere at 69. This is the way he wanted it. My daughter has never felt she owed him anything.
This sums it up perfectly! Your DH raised her, was involved in her life.
He didn’t just become her father legally.
He became her ‘daddy’ by being there every step of the way.
This is how my husband and I feel about our oldest daughter that we adopted.
From the moment we held her in our arms, she was our daughter.
Years later, I gave birth to our youngest daughter.
We have two miracles in our lives. Our love is identical for each of our daughters.
People place way too much importance on biology!
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This man is your father but I sense that you do not look at him as a father figure in your life. Am I right?
So, why torture yourself by forcing yourself to care for him just because you share the same blood?
Some families share very strong bonds, but sharing blood is not necessarily a guarantee in life for a good relationship.
In this case, try asking yourself this, “Would he do the same for you?”
I sincerely doubt that he would be there for you. Parents have to care for their children or they will suffer consequences.
The man that you describe is a user.
Do you feel resentment towards him because you feel used by him?
If the answer is yes, you most likely feel that you are being hypocritical in your care of him. After all, your heart isn’t in it.
That doesn’t mean that you aren’t doing an adequate job. Of course you are but you are doing it out of a sense of false obligation.
The truth is that you are most definitely not obligated to care for him.
As Alva said, “Allow the state to look after him.”
Wishing you peace during this difficult time in your life.
My life has turned into a nightmare that feels it will never end!!!
Had I found this forum before I moved in with her, I would have made a different decision.
Don't walk away from your father...RUN & don't look back! Life is to short to put up with people of this nature!
Good luck!
Were you always at peace with your decision to keep your distance or did you struggle with should you have cared for him?
How horrible to fake dementia. It’s sad.