Sorry, didn't know how else to word this question. But this is following a conversation I had with my sister yesterday. Our once very close relationship has changed dramatically since our mother died 2 years ago, and most of the convos I've had with her in the past 18 months have left me drained and upset. Crying.
As I've said before my husband and I are looking after my father who has sold both his home and weekender, so he'll never be short of money, to come live with us.
Prior to a conversation I had with my sister a couple of weeks ago, she advised me to have a honest talk with our father to stop his constant complaining and whining about everything or she'd come down and do it herself as she said he hates her anyway, and we'd talk about putting him into care. So I did have a talk with him but much gentler than she would have done. I think he took it in even though he still waffles on about religion which bores me to tears. But he's always going to do that. He said if he has go somewhere else, like into care that's life, but he'd rather die first.
Anyway long story short.
Yesterday, sister rang and asked how dad was and I told her I was trying not to interact too much with him when he starts on about the predictions of the Virgin Mary and the end of the world is coming. She said that's the best idea as "we really don't want to put him in a NH because they rip you off and they treat you like s*** in there" a total turn around from our last conversation and whoever she's been talking to, our brother or her husband whose done bugger all to help any of us ever.
So what that says to me is that even though on the surface she and my brother are sorry we're stuck with him, it's all about what money they'll be getting from him when he croaks.
My sister has always resented that my father favoured me over her (why I don't know as parents shouldn't have favourite children ) a fact that has always and will forever upset me. He's said to her that she reminds him of his mother. I know my father has unspoken issues with his mother who was a miserable thing. My father has been a miserable unhappy man his whole life. He sure made us and our mother miserable. My sister left home without saying goodbye to him. So I stayed at home and married late to the wonderful man I have now.
I know the answers I'll get from this post, about putting up with him in our home after years of trying to get away from him. My brother even said he felt very bad about this and I wasn't given a choice, but I'm pretty sure sister no longer cares. So I've decided I won't tell her anything about our father that upsets me ever again. That's all .
Thanks.
8 Answers
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I would look for a Catholic home; I'm sure he would feel most comfortable there.
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Second, I hope you have POA. This is a great tool if used correctly. With this tool Dad has assigned you as his representative when he can no longer make decisions for himself. This means you eventually will make all decisions based on what he would want or you feel he needs. Sister and brother can input all they want, but you make the decision. You really don't need to keep them in the loop. His finances definitely you cannot talk about to them. You can keep them in the loop about health but really don't need to.
He NEEDS residential care, it will be BETTER for him, and FAR BETTER for you, what your sister (who probably hates him too) says or what your brother says or what your father says or what HIS MOTHER (?) would have said is not as important as what the person who is changing his underwear is saying. THAT’S YOU, and if it isn’t happening right now IT WILL BE SOON.
Use HIS MONEY to FIND him the best residential setting you can, near enough to you if you plan to visit him, AND PLACE HIM. He will whine, he will complain, he will demand, but he will NOT suffer as much as his demand (and Sister’s) bother you.
And above all DO NOT INVOLVE YOURSELF IN HIS PRAYER LIFE.
Time for you to start making decisions based on the best care for you and your husband. You deserve the best for all you’ve done previously.
Decisions that you make out of Love and respect for him are the right decisions for him, with NO CONSIDERATION OF GUILT ALLOWED.
Tempting.
Your brother and sister are NOT providing any care so their opinions do not count! This is your life being affected so YOU get to call the shots! If being in your home is not working, move him to a facility. YOUR life matters also.
Your sister had a different experience growing up in the family. This happens all the time. What makes your case unusual is that the child who got treated the worst and most unfairly by the parents is usually the one who gets saddled with caring for them in their time of need. Your sister doesn't owe your father now. You don't either.
Living with you is not the only choice for your father. Your siblings don't want him in a nursing home or AL because it costs money. The situation now works for everyone except you and your husband. It's your life and home that has been taken over by caregiving. You take on all the burden and responsibility while your brother and sister enjoy their lives and rest easy at night knowing that that their share of your father's money is being kept safe and sound by you and they don't have to worry.
What about you though? What do you and your husband get out of this situation? Nothing but misery and pain.
No one lives forever or stays young forever. You have a right to have a happy life with your husband. Forget about your father's money because it's only bringing misery and strife to your life and family trying to protect it for later. Put him in a nursing home or AL and take your life back. If your brother and sister have a problem with it then they can move your father in with them and take over the caregiver role. You deserve to be happy and trying to please everyone will only bring you misery.