Aggressive mother, any advice?

Why do you keep subjecting yourself to her nastiness?

You are a grown man and you do not have to take whatever she dishes out.

Obviously she isn't interested in having a civil, grown up relationship with you, so visit dad, be courteous to her, as in greeting her and saying goodbye, and ignore her ugliness during your visit with your dad. Better yet, meet dad at the local coffeehouse and enjoy a visit without her in your periphery.

Follow your feelings.

Call her on it. Tell her if she doesn't start treating you like she treats her friends, then you won't be coming over anymore. That you r an adult, not a child. Then set boundries. When she starts, walk out, hang up the phone. Let Dad know though, that you are there if he needs you. If you don't stand up to her now, it will only get worse as she ages. I would never consider taking her in your home or live with her when she starts needing care. If she has been this way all your life, Its a personality disorder and not curable because she doesn't see where she is the problem.

There is nothing wrong with being a loner. If a loner before caregiving you may become more so after caregiving. I did and it is wonderful to have time to myself.

You need to learn to not let mom's comments get to you. They really don't matter because you know differently. If walking away when mom starts her comments, move far, far away and put mom in the rearview.

Assuming that your mother has treated you in about the same way since you were born, your choices are to take your control of how you react to her OR to put distance between her and yourself.

You cannot and will not change the habits of someone of 74 UNLESS they themselves FULLY ACKNOWLEDGE AND EMBRACE the fact that they have performed actions that were painful to you. This CAN HAPPEN, but not commonly.

My relationship with my mother was always difficult, but with time, evolved into something poignantly sweeter, as she grew more and more dependent upon my support. We became friends of sorts, because I was willing to overlook her failings and genuinely enjoy her more pleasant quirks. When she suffered a severe stroke, and rehabbed herself by sheer strength of will, she became my hero.

You are reacting to your mother as a child would, and that’s understandable. If you were able to react to her as an adult in an obligatory relationship with a disagreeable old tyrant who would say inappropriate things, but still had some sort of connection, could you do that? Maybe yes, maybe no. It worked for me, but you are under NO OBLIGATION to even try unless YOU put yourself in the driver’s seat, especially when she goes off on you.

Your primary responsibility is FIRST to yourself, providing yourself with good responsible care. You can’t be in any kind of positive relationship with your mother unless you are taking the best care of yourself.

It’s tough. I hope you FIND your way to peace with your situation.

Walking away may be the only way to reduce the pain. Perhaps keep in touch with your father to find out when/if help is needed.