I have always promised my mother that there will be no nursing home in her future! I will always keep my promise. However, I am her sole caregiver, and I'm an aging only child, so if something should happen to me, it is quite possible that a nursing home will be the only solution. We can afford a top tier facility, but that will not allay her fears. Many of you will not understand the issue, and may even be angered by it, but my mother's fears are related to racial biases. Since we are African American, and since others in the family in the past have suffered racism and abuse in nursing homes, my mother, who is now in her mid-90s, will NEVER lose her fear of these facilities. In-home nursing is certainly an option, despite the expense, but still, my mother will be afraid. Does anyone have a solution?
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Meanwhile, make relationships with a select number of caregivers while you are still around to hold her hand. Introduce them little by little, supervising constantly to begin with (i.e. not leaving the room), and take it steadily, building up to personal care, dressing, preparing snacks and meals. With luck and the right people, even if she doesn't lose her fear altogether, you will at least have proved to her that others are kind and caring and respectful of her besides you.
Maybe at first, she can try a few days to give respite, then a week, then a week every month. etc.
It is good that she can afford to pay. Many can't. You certainly need to have some breaks to take care of your own health.
My MIL lives in a small care home with 6 residents only and the 2 care takers are Kenyans. Have you tried to look for homes or care takers that are of African descent?