Does anyone know of an elderly person who requested to move into a residential setting?

It’s so much to explain how my brother thinks this is working out best, being with family every night for dinner, but doesn’t seem to feel it’s a problem for her to be alone much of the day. She says doesn’t like to be alone now and I’ve told her that she has the option to go into assisted living but I feel we, my brother and I, need to make that decision and not leave it up to her. She has the money yet to go private but my brother did arrange a Caregiver Agreement where we are being paid for our time with her. That’s an issue that complicates things. To be clear, he is closer to our Mom over the years so I do think he loves her very much.

My brother decided to move into ALF. He knew he had early Lewy's. He knew what the long slow slide would be (he beat it by dying of Sepsis before he could take that slide). He knew his balance was poor. He asked me to do POA and Trustee and to pay his bills, taking this burden off him. And he was able to sell his last small home on his own with a dedicated realtor who knew his diagnosis and with me on Standby. He was 83 when he made these decisions. He had tried to deny to himself that something was not going wrong, but knew something was. It took a car accident to let him know it was time.
It is rare however when someone does make this life move on their own. My entire family is into making things as easy for other family members as it can be. It's how we were raised. Our parents voluntarily went into a place where they could go from duplex, to apartment, to ALF to care when needed. It's unusual, tho, I think.

MWR1985, raising hand. My Dad decided that his house was too much for him to maintain at 94, so he wanted to move to senior living. Whew!!

My Dad started out in a very nice apartment which had a full kitchen. He did enjoy having meals in the restaurant styled dining room... he was placed with a couple who grew up in the same State he did, so he was happy with that.

Dad wasn't a social butterfly, he was happy reading the newspaper and watch 24 hour local news. But look out when it came time for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, he had his walker up to full speed.

Eventually Dad needed more care, thus he went to Assisted Living/Memory Care in the same complex. His studio apartment was small but we joked it was his college dorm room. Dad did bring his caregiver to give him some company 7am to 1pm, she had been with Dad almost a year prior. She would drag him to the social hours when music was being played.... made sure he went to his physical therapy... and that he had an hour on the sun porch. Occasionally they would walk outside. I realize not everyone can budget for this.

My 83 year old mother-in-law liked it when she was in the nursing home for rehab. She didn't want to go home but didn't qualify for skilled nursing. She kept telling us that she wanted to go back after she was discharged. Long story short, she has now been in assisted living for a month. She does have COPD and anxiety issues though.

So MWR, reading your question, I have to ask - are you waiting for Mother to ask to move?

I understand. Then it would not you or your brother forcing a change, it would be her wish. With no guilt.

But with memory problems such as you describe, living in the moment, I cannot image Mother could make this future plan or picture it if you described. it. But I don't know her - you know her best!

What does your Mother value? Her interests? I would put my Mother into care in a heartbeat as she always hated being alone, always had the TV or radio on for company, likes to be with people & has no real solo hobbies, whereas not for my Dad as he likes a bit of solitude & has many solo hobbies.

I would be guided by your Mother's values. Maybe instead of asking do you want to move into a nursing home? Ask if she likes being alone? Would she like to live in a hotel, with other seniors? Eat in the dining room with them & attend a few things like Bingo. Maybe even take her to lunch or a coffee (if that is possible) to a nice AL you have pre-chosen. Even make it a regular coffee trip.

If your chosen place offers respite stays (if/when everyone is vaccinated & things a little more normal) consider it. Then if her health changes, or you need a holiday, you will have a safe place for her to stay.

Wouldn't hurt to tour a few places & get an idea how they differ. I'm a planner, so I'd rather have a few I'd consider rather than scramble around in a health crises to start then.

Three in my family;
1. moved herself to AL, when she needed more than pop in pop out home helpers
2. downsized herself to IL, with AL & NH onsite for future needs
3. reluctantly chose AL, after taking turns with relatives was tried but not right. She wanted a space she could make a home of own own.

These three wonderful ladies all possessed reasoning & insight - had lashings of common sense & were realistic about their circumstances and life.

My grandfather on my dad's side died in his late 60's, within 2 months my grandma moved into an AL on her own accord. The AL, had a nursing home wing, she moved there at 101 voluntarily. And went to a hospice facility a few months before she died at 108. It happens, but it is rare.