I have read this many times and am distressed that our government/states don't do more to help adult children care for their loved ones at home. A parent receives by far more love and compassion from his or her child than an uncaring overworked staff members do at a nursing facility. But the reality is these adult caregivers do not recieve help especially if siblings are in denial or just don't want to be involved. This job is the most difficult job anyone who truly gives a darn can do for their LO. Many on here are not wealthy and unable to hire help that costs at minimum 16.00 an hour. We've given up our lives, our jobs and so much more because of the fond memories we have of our parents working long hours and sacrificing everything to give us children more than they had. It's a slap in the face to throw a parent in a nursing home to rot. Other countries do so much more for their elder population. My 2 cents worth.
13 Answers
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
"Thow a parent in a NH and leave them to rot"?
My mother resided happily, healthily and safely in a nursing home for 4.5 years. We kids had mortgages, children and spouses to care for. We had no choice; and believe me, it was still LOADS of work.
My mother was a private pay resident; she and my dad lived frugally their whole lives to be able to afford end of life care.
The statistics are that 30-35% of caregivers die before the person they are caring for. It's from and old Stanford University study.
If you want more help from the government, be happy to pay higher taxes, support leaders who support Medicaid expansion and a single payer health-care system. Get rid of for profit nursing homes.
"The market" is not going to give you better elder care, anymore than it gave old age pensions ( Social Security) or Universal Healthcare for the elderly (Medicare).
Big ideas like that require Federal action.
Here is a link to information about Virginia's Medicaid " care at home" programs. I hope that helps.
https://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/medicaid-virginians-needing-assisted-living-home-health-care.html
My dad cared for my mother long after he should have, and yes, he ended up dead first. He went from functioning perfectly well with no health issues to dead from liver cancer in six weeks. Sure, liver cancer might have gotten him anyway, but he ignored the symptoms when they first cropped up, plus he was massively sleep-deprived because my mother got up every hour or so to go to the bathroom, and he felt he needed to get up to help her. He also took care of a house, did all the shopping, cooking, and laundry while operating on practically no sleep while my mother slept in a chair from 9 a.m. until 6 p.m. every day. He wouldn't have had it any other way because he was a completely selfless person honoring his marriage vows, but it didn't help my mother, and it certainly didn't help him.
Martyrdom doesn't benefit anyone, so if you don't want to die early, figure out how to get your mom the care she needs and stop trying to make other people bend to your will.
ADVERTISEMENT
Now to address your comment about putting someone in "a nursing home to rot." I do not believe that anyone who has to make the difficult choice to place a LO in a nursing facility, puts them there to "rot." They are typically placed there out of love and their family members want what's best for their LO, and want to know that their LO is receiving the care that they themselves can no longer provide. It's usually a heart wrenching decision, that isn't taken lightly, and is only done in the best interest of the person being placed. To make such a statement as you have, is a "slap in the face" of those who have had no choice put to place their LO.
Your statement is extremely offensive and I find IT to be a much bigger slap in the face than what our government is NOT doing for YOU to be able to take care of your loved one at home.
What do you want your siblings to do? Help physically?
What sort of support do yiu want? You say aides are expensive.
Medicaid? Process is too long?
C'mon. Apply for Medicaid, get some in-home help for mom. It is based on HER income.
Get your health back!
Consider this behavior by an AD patient... my wife to be exact: getting up at 2 and 3AM, getting dressed and leaving the house in the middle of winter; leaving the house thru the window because all the doors were locked; trying to jump out of a moving car because she thought I was going to hurt her; engaging all the 1st responders (police and fire) in a small town to look for her because she was missing; running away from me at an outdoor diner because of her delusions, etc., etc.. All caregivers have their limits of tolerance, depending on the behavior of their LO. What would have been your advice for me? To continually suck it up, after all I did promise to love, honor and obey until death, or to honor that promise by finding her a caring, loving, safe facility that understood her disease better than I did? By placing her in a wonderful MC facility, I was not only caring for her, I was caring for me. She didn't rot... she flourished. So don't judge the motives of others, none of us are super human.
It's odd you should ask the question you did. Are you worried about your health? What IS your tolerance limit, Artist? Don't over estimate your abilities. Do you feel over stressed, depressed? Are you concerned you might be one of the 30+% of caregivers who die before their LO does?
Read a few posts--a lot of us are lucky we got to adulthood with any good qualities. My mother wasn't abusive, per se, but I have VERY few 'good, positive' memories of her. I try not to be bitter, she had a LOT of emotional problems, but she dumped a LOT of crap on the 6 of us.
Now she's 91, and my YB has cared for her in his home for 25 years. Wow, does he regret making that decision. She BEGGED me to take her in and my answer was, and always will be a HARD NO.
I WISH we could put her in a facility that gave her 24 hr care and activities and built in friends, but we can't.
Many people are just trying to do their best. For MANY, keeping an aging parent at home is simply NOT doable. Not financially, emotionally or anyway. It works for out mom b/c YB works only PT and can spend a lot of time caring for mom. BUT--if he could go back in time, she and daddy would have been moved to an ALF apartment. I worry about his health all the time. He's only 58, but looks and acts 70. He's sick all the time and I know it's due to stress.
I do believe that you are sincere in wanting to provide the best care.
Don’t you think most people want that, whether their parents are in a facility or at home?
Some elderly people aren’t well enough to live at home.
Some adult children can’t afford to be a full time caregiver.
Some are concerned for their marriages and children.
There are situations where it would be too emotionally painful to care for a parent.
In my opinion, any adult that was abused as a child is not obligated to care for that parent. Wouldn’t you agree that it is probably the best thing to let the state care for these parents?
Some parents have mental illnesses and require mental health care as well as physical care.
It is a very personal decision for everyone.
No one has a right to judge anyone else in how they provide caregiving.
If you have chosen this route of home care and are at peace then I am happy for you.
You don’t sound as if you are totally at peace.
Please correct me if you feel that I have misspoken.
I am willing to listen. We learn about each other by listening.
I cared for my mom, dad and my brother.
After daddy died I looked after mom for five years in her home, all while being married, working and raising children.
After Hurricane Katrina hit and mom lost her home, we took her in. it was an adjustment for my entire family.
Fortunately, I had a guest room so my girls were able to keep their own rooms.
I continued to work for a time but as mom declined I gave up my job, which was a tough adjustment for me.
I became depressed. I had anxiety and ended up in therapy and found this forum.
I did my best. All of mom’s doctors said that I was taking excellent care of her but I lived my life completely exhausted!
I regret that I invested so much time and energy into caregiving. It’s time that I can never get back.
Family dynamics can change drastically and in some cases severe damage has taken place, so it is never the same.
It is just as hard if a parent is in their home, our home, a sibling’s home, a facility or wherever they are.
If a person begins to dread caregiving, in my opinion it is time to give it up! It’s not fair to anyone at that point.
People who advocate for parents in facilities are not monsters. They are not neglectful to their parents either. They want the best too. They work their butts off for their parents by advocating within a facility setting.
So, nothing is cut and dry. Nothing is black and white. There are lots of messy gray areas.
I don’t know exactly what you are searching for.
Nothing is ever going to be perfect, whether at home or in a facility.
I do know that we have to put forth effort to make positive changes in our lives.
Participating in therapy helped me gain insight and find the courage to go after the things that matter most to me.
Set your own priorities. Make your own changes.
Be willing to listen to an impartial person such as a therapist to learn more about your actions and the feelings behind them.
Instead of focusing on others, start looking inward.
It makes a world of difference in seeing the past, present and future.
I wish you all the best as you travel this long, winding and difficult road.
Take care.