I am trying hard to get over the death of my daughter it’s been a year and I have had no support from anyone other than my best friend Caroline and my aunt Janice. I was so worried that my mom would be upset that I sent three people after her after I found out my daughter passed she did not get in the vehicle and come here to see me and after the funeral she didn’t even come to the house her or my brothers. So I was completely alone trying to keep myself together along with my 21-year-old son and my husband. I have yet to be able to really sit down and grieve and four days after my daughter died. My mom needed money for her car my brother needed rent money. I’ve got a lot of health issues of my own I have sickle cell but I don’t let anything keep me down but the blow of my daughter being lost to me forever has taken it’s toll. I guess I’m just trying to take care of everyone. I can no longer financially support people my mom decided to move in with me a year later cause my brother couldn’t deal with her negative mind frame and every time I ask for money for groceries are we discuss finances my mother gets very angry with me and tries to make me feel very guilty. How do I handle this? I am on disability and my husband isn’t about to support everyone in the house. We are limited ourselves.
3 Answers
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
Regarding support, what I do know is it can be a trap to fall into 'glass half empty' thinking.
" I have had *no support* from anyone other than my best friend.. and my aunt..". A more 'glass half full' way to rephrase this could be 'I had the support from my best friend .. and my aunt..'.
I am thinking that positive style could work across many other areas for you, with practice. Eg I help my family by phoning up & asking how they are. Shift the focus into what you CAN do rather than focus on what you can't do for them. (Eg not being a walking ATM for them)
Speaking of money... to be brutally honest... Brother's rent is Brother's responsibility. Mom's car & food are Mom's responsibility. Your life, health, food & bills are your responsibilities. No guilt. Just each adult taking care of their own adult needs.
Have you read the Boundaries book? Well worth getting a copy.
Second I must say, why in the world would you let your mom move in with you, knowing what she's like and also knowing everything that you're going through? They say that you should NEVER make any major decisions for at least the first 6 months after you have lost someone close to you. Apparently you must not have ever heard that, as you let your mom move in with you, and that is definitely a major decision. So now you are going to have to figure out a way to get her out of your house. You don't owe your mother anything, and it certainly can't be healthy for you to have her under your roof. If she can't afford to live on her own, then she will have to apply for Medicaid, and she can then move to either a government subsidized senior apartment, or move into some type of nursing facility, if she is requiring more care.
You, your husband and your son, must be your one and only priority. Please sit down as a family with your mom and tell her that things just aren't working out with her living there, and that she has 30 days to find a place of her own. I wish you the very best and I hope and pray that you will take the time needed to heal your soul. God bless you.
ADVERTISEMENT