I believe I am, but I hope I am wrong. I have been taking care of my mom (83) for the past few years, and it was becoming way too much for me mentally and emotionally. Only one of her kids help and that was just a biweekly visit for a few hours. Her other two won’t see her because of me (one is my biological father) and I’ve felt like maybe removing myself may be best; maybe they would come around, but she tells me it wouldn’t be better, yet she goes on and on about them. Ahh.
Anyway, on Jan 1 of this year I had to find a way to get my mom home from a hospital 47 minutes away from the small town we stay in. She was only out a week before she was back in the hospital ( she was having internal seizures ). Upon release they felt she needed to gain her strength and sent her to a nursing home rehab. Where she proceeded to fall and break her hip.
For 10 days I didn’t get to speak to her just watch her in a catabolic state at the best of times, a coma like state at worst. She reacted very poorly to the pain med and anesthesia, and one of the night nurses admitted to giving her pain med to keep her asleep because when awake she was out of control; so not for pain management but behavioral management. I know nurses have a hard job but I don’t believe that is a good person; that and other things she said or I heard her say to others and so I reported her (for example she was joking about accidentally over dosing my mom? when she didn’t think I could hear)
Long 10 days later, they finally take her off all pain meds as I had been saying and she came to. She remembers nothing and is struggling with confusion now but she is alive and coherent again, thank the gods.
They sent her back to the nursing home rehab to start over and to start rehab for hip. Her son that did the biweekly visits has stepped up to this, and he is taking care of Medicare.
Unless he enrolls her in a nursing home for the “long term” they would only pay for 3 days. My doctor and best friend who works with elderly primarily thinks she should stay, because she needs 24/7 care. She admits she needs 24/7 care, which scares me. But she doesn’t want to be full time and I don’t blame her, so due to the lack of money from Medicare she will be coming home this morning.
I can’t breathe. I want her home but she can barely move her leg right now, let alone walk. They have her going to the bathroom mostly in a “brief” but they do move her to toilet some. But it takes 2 of them. My mom is stubborn; what if one night she doesn’t call me?
A lady is supposed to start Wednesday from 9am-4pm helping which is nice, and I know this sounds selfish but I am terrified for when my time starts. What if she falls again, I could hardly handle seeing her on the floor in pain before, after a hip break I imagine a fall would be even more horribly painful.
I almost ran away last week, back to NYC and my fiancé. But I didn’t, so my fiancé said he can’t do this, despite working from home and never coming here.. which maybe is too much to ask for.
It’s 3:30 am and I still have cleaning to do. But I’m still in bed. I’m so depressed and ashamed of the depression. I have severe mental illness and my psychiatrist forgot to call my med in, he only calls meds in on Friday, so I also am withdrawing (Xanax I’ve been on for over 2 decades) and I know that makes my anxiety way worse.
I'm sorry for going on and on, I must sound horrible. It’s just I’ve been so suicidal lately and can’t even get myself to a proper bath (I’ll leave it at that) how am I gonna help another?
One may think Well you had all that time alone to recharge... but I didn’t. It’s been one constant terror, constant panic and worrying over her and the future. Maybe I’m selfish but I couldn’t “just relax” and.., I don’t know, I’m sorry. Thank you if you read and I’m sorry if anyone replies and I don’t see it quickly or reply; I am trying and I’m so sorry if this was stupid of me to post.
thank you guys
11 Answers
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
I just want to tell you you what I have been told: we cannot do everything alone, we have the right to feel tired and above all to look also after ourselves. We are humans, we should accept we can't solve all our loved one's problems.
I also hired an assistant, she started yesterday... Mum is happy with her and I am relieved. She comes while I work... That is a first step, I will also try to take some time for myself to spend with my husband and son.
I think our mothers are happier to know we are happy.
I can't offer advice, but 2 ears to listen... Or better 4 eyes to read you (just joking... Trying to get a smile).
ADVERTISEMENT
Checking on you since you haven’t responded to the posters on this forum.
Please know that we care. No one feels that you are a bad person.
Sometimes we question ourselves but I don’t know anyone who doesn’t get stressed when they are a primary caregiver.
Caregiving is stressful and can easily become overwhelming.
I hope you will seek rest for your mind and body. You deserve it.
Caregiving is a long difficult road, and we're happy you have found the support of others here on this site.
However, there are limits to what untrained members on our site can provide for you.
Please reach out to experts for additional support and the help you need 24 hours a day at the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:
Call 1-800-273-8255
Second I will say that you are not a bad person, but a person who needs help ASAP. You sound quite fragile, and with all you have going on in your life, I'm sure that doesn't help matters. I think for your mental health's sake, that you're going to have to step away from caring for your mom,(or is she actually your grandmother, as you say that your biological father is her son? I'm confused there I guess)as she has just become more than you can personally deal with. And that's ok. You must first and foremost take care of yourself, because if you don't, there's no way in hell that you can take care of anyone else. Let the rest of the family now step up and figure out what is in the best interest regarding her care.
And as far as your medications, most major pharmacies will allow you to get a few days of your pills until your prescription can be filled, so I would be calling them today and go pick them up.
PLEASE take care of yourself, and seek the necessary mental and medical help you need. God bless you.
I have a mother in a NH who is now immobile. She was in AL until she suffered a severe septic infection in November. I had to tell her when she inquired that she would not be able to return to AL as she required too much care now. This made me very sad. There is very little about her situation that does not make me sad. I know I am fortunate to have her in a facility. I feel incredibly for those managing someone at home. I still can be sad that she has arrived to this point and didn't go out more peacefully. I don't see anyone happy at the facility. Most are completely mentally gone. Some are always in bed and others in wheelchairs. Last week one woman started speaking to me as though she knew me. I just played along. However I don't see anyone who is not taken care of as best as possible given their circumstances. Some including my mother play wheelchsir basketball. I could not provide that in my home.
I am sorry for all you are enduring. I hope that suggestions here might provide some insight for you.
You are are also not a hospital, rehab or nursing home - staffed by many people.
You are one human, under stress. Take care of yourself first.
If your Mother gets home but bounces straight back into hospital, it will be because she needed to.
But it is no good talking to invisible strangers on the worldwide web. You need practical help right now with a set of real, physical challenges. And for #1: you know better than I do that you can't just stop your Xanax like that - if you can't get hold of your usual prescriber, call your nearest urgent treatment or emergency center and get advice on what to do. TALK to someone! Hugs to you x
one may think Well you had all that time alone to recharge... but I didn’t. It’s been one constant terror, constant panic and worrying over her and the future. Maybe I’m selfish but I couldn’t “just relax” and.., I don’t know, I’m sorry. Thank u if u read and I’m sry if anyone replies and I don’t see it quickly or reply; I am trying and I’m so sry if this was stupid of me to post."
And let's add that your fiance is removing himself from the picture (nothing wrong with that; just another factor to consider).
WHY are you taking care of your mother with your serious mental health issues?
You have too much on your plate. You aren’t a bad person.
You need to take care of yourself first before you can address your mom’s serious issues.
Can your pharmacy give you an emergency partial dose of your meds?
I am so sorry that you are struggling with this.