Abusive mother. Is there an alternative to releasing responsibility to the government?

First of all, I am so sorry that you have suffered so much due to your mother’s mental illness.

You have my support for surrendering your caregiver responsibilities and allowing the government to step in.

We never know how long our parents will live. It’s a crap shoot, so I would say to do what is best for you now.

It’s apparent that you are struggling to maintain the endurance to continue in this stressful situation.

It can be difficult to step away but it is far worse to stay in a situation where you are at risk of burning out.

Tell me this, if you could close your eyes and dream of where you would like to be at this very moment, where would it be?

Now, follow that dream and make it happen.

No one else has the power to change your circumstances.

You have to take the steps forward. One step at the time is all it takes.

I wish you all the best as you search for answers.

Once you make it to the other side though, a million pounds will be lifted off of your shoulders.

I cut off contact with my mother years ago due to a history of abuse and mental illness but she circled back around when she was found in a bad situation and could no longer make her own decisions. I chose to step in and manage her care needs, but I refused to do the care myself and at some point stop visiting. This was about a year ago. There were many days that I wanted to make her a ward of the state. But because she was on hospice I thought the pain would be over soon.

Well she has significantly declined and I needed to move her to LTC. Truthfully if I wasn’t involved with her caregivers and doctors, I believe no one would have flagged her as needing a higher level of care until her money ran out. I had to push for a decent placement and it was the right decision. Her care has been better overall and the LTC staff is on top of a number of her needs. She is still on hospice but I’m not sure if she will be discharged at some point.

I guess that for me, knowing that I advocate for her while keeping strong boundaries and keeping my life separate is giving me some kind of - control? I say control because I doubt there will be “closure” or any real resolution to the history of abuse and lack of family happiness. But I can do the right thing now for an otherwise sad, isolated, lonely, and miserable person. I have said before that I “case manage” her care. And she can’t hurt me anymore.

I can say that I did a TON of personal work to overcome my emotions and anxiety related to my childhood trauma. And I could have only done that by stepping away.

Thank you for letting me share my story and thank you for sharing yours. At 65, it’s definitely time to break free.

I read once that siblings of people with Sz often become enmeshed & absorb the responsibility for both of them, or at the other extreme, become estranged. I imagine it could be similar with parent-child relationships too. I have no idea if or how often that is true.

I get it though. Kind of either the burden of pulling two boats along or tying theirs to the shore so your own doesn't sink (self-preservation).

I am trying for a middle ground with boundaries (if that is possible). These boundaries may appear strict to outsiders/others but I noticed without them there was no limit to the offloading of responsibility. I thought this may be a personality thing. I had no idea this is part of Sz.

A Social Worker told me once that everyone is entitled to their own life journey.

I think you are making the correct decision for your one and only life. Do know that you will not have control over placement or much of anything else once you have put the government in as guardian or conservatorship. I wish you the best.

Why are you waiting a year? I think it would be like leaving a job u don't like. You give ur 2 wks notice and then its a longggg two weeks pushing yourself to do the job and putting up with the reasons you finally decided to leave for.

I think once I made this type of decision I would act on it.

Are u caring for Mom in her home, her home or in a LTC facility?

The best way to predict the future is to look at the past. You know there’s no winning or even a decent plan to do here, after your years of experience dealt in with it. I hope you’ll release it all sooner and move toward a positive and happy future for you

A good family friend told me: "Walk away. Free yourself!" My father had just died and my toxic sisters were attacking me because I was defending my mother from them. My mother needed me, so I stayed, and moved back home full time.
You probably heard the same advice, but cared too much to walk away.
Maybe now is the time to walk away. Free yourself. You only have one life.

My mom is a narcissist. Dad "managed" her until two years ago. Mom is 89 and can take care of the day to day stuff in her house. My son or I make visits every couple of weeks to drop food and supplies, look for needed repairs etc. Our visits are short. I do not know what will happen when she can not care for herself. I am hoping she will mellow or go quickly.

My brother's heath declined to the point of having to be put in the care of the state a couple of years ago. I placed him in a facility near my folks. The place was not high end, but clean, and my bed ridden brother was well cared for and loved. His facility was one of the few in NJ not over run by COVID. He was allowed to pass quietly at the facility instead of being rush to the hospital for his last few hours. I have the comfort of knowing staff who knew him were with him, instead of alone in a hospital. What I did learn was with no morgue, I needed to have his body pick-up ASAP. I had it all lined up prior. Actually when my dad died, I signed my mom and brother up too. It was handled smoothly. I live in another state.

I will be 88 and have a lifetime of experiences to draw upon. I have learned, too late in life, that there are times and circumstances in which we find ourselves that are not only very difficult, they are very ugly and have a terrible impact on who we are and what will become of us. No human, no matter who or why, should put up with that. If nothing will stop it, we must decide to be strong and move away from it. We do not just stand there and be beaten down again and again. I sense you are at that point. Please think of yourself and your well being while you can. Some people don't deserve kindness and help - it is useless - and if you don't act, you will be destroyed.

Talk to a Social Worker or Elder Care Attorney and begin the process of making her a Ward of the State. Just say that it is no longer safe for you to care for her. (YOUR mental health is in jeopardy here)
The alternative would be to place her in AL, LTC or MC whatever is appropriate for her and then walk away. (I would advise against AL as she could just leave)
Make sure that she has what she needs but you do not have to physically visit or have contact with her.
There is the possibility though if she has not been declared incompetent that she can refuse to be moved into a facility. If that is the case you probably have to resort to first option.
Happy Sailing...