Today my father accused my husband of stealing his stimulus check because it’s not in his bank account (yet). Of course my husband does not have access to his account. For some reason he always blames my husband and not me. Does anyone know why? Is there anything that can be done? Perhaps it’s just random. I feel bad. I would rather he blame me since he’s my father so I can deal with it.
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I 100% agree with Stacy0122 that your marriage (ie husband) have priority over caring for your father in your home. You're at only the beginning of how bad it can get every hour of every day. Your DH did not sign up for this when he married you. And no one can ever know what they are signing up for when they agree to move an elder LO into their home. They usually have a naive, romanticized idea of how iti will go, not having done much research on how dementia/ALZ radically changes their LO and you cannot train, teach, beg, incentivize them to be any different. Even if you are from a cultural background where caring for your LO in your home is an "expectation", I implore you to put your marriage first. Care facilities are much nicer and better run than in the past. Medicaid can pay for LTC or MC. Transitioning your father to a facility does not mean you don't love him. It definitely means you love and respect your husband and marriage. I'm sorry if this feels like pressure...it is a perspective and please read the many many posts on this forum from people who lost so much because they would not transition their parent when it became too much. I wish you much wisdom and clarity and peace in your heart as you ponder this.
My advice would be to choose between a relationship with your husband and having your father live with you. Facilities are not the end all.
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It sounds like your dad has accused your DH before of stealing. This would wear me out very fast, especially as you say you are not that healthy (meaning that DH is providing for both you and Dad in some way).
Have you mentioned this pattern of accusation to dad's doctor? Sometimes meds can help with the paranoia. Has he been checked for a UTI? Does it do any good to show him the "Where's my Payment?" site at IRS.gov where he can see that his payment isn't available yet?
((((((Hugs)))))).
I'm with Stacy. It may be time for a nice facility with lots of distractions.
I have read ur profile and agree, it maybe time to place Dad.
I tell the person in my house, your Mom is your problem not mine. It is your responsibility to distract her so I can have peace. I hear the person is tired or doesnt feel well which is also not my problem. I hear, it is the disease, nope, mommy was a trip before. The latest, she told me today that she will die from Covid in a facility. My response was that's a chance I am more than willing to take.
Your husband is not the bad guy here and I really hope you listen because it really sucks being this angry and bitter all the time, never knowing when you will snap. I deal with it daily and wish it on no one.
I want to set this out here that for some reason so many people attribute everything a senior ( with some level of dementia) does to dementia and that simply isn’t true. Sure some things are but they’re still an individual with their own innate personality they had years before that they retain. For example if a person had a tendency to blame others and never take responsibility for what they do then that same trait will usually remain with them at least to a large degree - dementia or no dementia. It seems more deliberate in a sense bc he only picks on your husband but you can’t allow it to go on. Dementia or no dementia you need to set a firm boundary - that if he accuses or says anything negative about your spouse, then there’s an immediate consequence such as he will be restricted to his room or a separate living room etc - and you and your spouse don’t interact with him for let’s say 4 hours. Everytime he picks on your spouse, you enforce the boundary by not speaking and or eating with him for a number of hours- this is an example of a consequence you could think of others. If after a trial run he’s still slinging insults at your hubby then you need to put the priority to your spouse and make arrangements for him to live with another family member
In addition, try to carve out time every day for just you and your husband - without dad. Your husband needs to feel valued by you or he may come to resent dad taking all your time.
Hopefully, your husband can let it roll of his back and not take it to heart.
Maybe moving your father to a facility would alleviate the tension for all involved. Who knows it could snap your father out of his abuse of your husband - of course he may focus on someone else. Shortly after my parents gave me the DPOAs to act for them, dad and I were sitting in the waiting room of his doctor's office. There in the waiting room he decided to tell me that he was worried turning control over to me because "money does funny things to people". Talk about angry - I told him in no uncertain terms that I didn't need nor want his money. After we got home, I told mom if dad continued to behave that way I would refuse to act as his POA and when the time came we'd take him to court and have a conservator appointed. After that episode there were no more problems - though as dad progressed in his disease he continued to be fixated on money in one form or another.
Good luck with your father and you and especially your husband.
If this is dementia, it is only going to get worse. Unless you are willing to spend 24/7 care with him, feed him, bathe him, even manage his bowels and change his diapers it is time to start doing estate planning and get him Medicaid-ready for nursing home placement and get POA. You also need to discuss a living will. If he forgets how to eat and drink, does he want a feeding tube. Full code? DNR? and pre-plan a funeral or cremation.
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