Mom's new to AL and wants to leave. What can I say to her?

The AL my MIL moved to kept her really busy when she first moved in; giving her the grand tour, getting her to activities, introducing her to the other residents - she didn't even have time to call her sons. It was such a change when she'd call each son multiple times a day with the same question. She was so against the move, but it turned out she was very happy there - unfortunately she died about 3 months after moving in, but she really was so happy there. Of course this was 20 plus years ago before COVID.

She may be resistant to change, change is hard for those with dementia it really upsets their balance. The AL facility should be more than able to handle your mother's resistance and get her into a routine where she will hopefully adjust. Let them do the work - just try and understand how scared she may be - it is a big change after all.

Start with realizing some truths about her condition (dementia - most likely Alzheimer's disease, limited vision, and limited hearing). She is used to her place and her routines. This change is not something she is used to... so she complains and fusses. The outbursts are really related to one or 2 issues: fear and frustration. Everything is new in this AL and that probably scares her. She may not understand everything that is happening - especially with limited hearing and limited vision - and she is trying to gain control. With fear and frustration, she is probably anxious and agitated. That is most likely what you are witnessing.

There are a few things to try to help her:

1 - Consistent routine. Most likely the AL has a routine. She needs to be encouraged to give "this place" a try until she gets used to the new routine. Then, the new routine will be "her routine."

2 - Spoil her a bit: visits, phone calls, flowers, small gifts, treats... anything that can help say "We love you", "We remember you," and "We're in this with you" can help her feel she hasn't been abandoned or warehoused. This may need to continue for a couple of weeks and then taper off a bit to what is more manageable for you and your family.

3 - Talk to her doctor. Since she is talking "hostile" she may benefit from a mild anti-anxiety medication for a month or 2. The medication can help take the edge off her anxiety, fear and frustration so she can relax in her new home. When she is more attuned to her new "home" and routine, the medication can be weaned to a low dose or weaned off completely.

Honestly, it'll be good that you'll be offline for a bit with your own surgery. It'll be an enforced time for her to acclimate without the outlet of having someone to complain to. It works the same way when you take a kid to college, drop someone off at rehab (bad example, I know), or any other semi-traumatic life move -- sometimes you just need to go to radio silence for a period of time to break that connection between the old and the new.

I do wonder if assisted living is the best place for her considering she has dementia. What does the facility do to ensure she doesn't indeed call a cab and walk out?

"What do I say to her when she's complaining?" You end the conversation by saying "Mom, I've got to go now. Talk to you soon." Just do not engage with her complaints and threats. You won't be able to reason with her, you won't be able to convince her, and you won't get any satisfactory response from her. Just disengage from the discussion. If you have some exit lines prepped and rehearsed it's easier. And you don't have to answer all of her phone calls; just let them go to voice mail and then you can return her calls later - days later. Eventually she'll move on to some other topic but for this period of time keep your calls and visits brief, friendly, and don't try to get her to understand because she really can't understand. Her reality is that she's just fine and has no reason to be there and nothing is going to convince her otherwise. As to the threats, rarely does anyone follow through on those and but you can warn the front desk of her threats and they can be on the look out for her getting into a cab and let you know.

When dementia is at play, it becomes too risky to live alone at home anymore. Add hearing issues and macular degeneration into the mix, and your mother is in denial about her true health condition *as my mother is* and feels like she doesn't 'belong' in a place with a lot of old people. Never mind that SHE herself is old............sigh.

First off, you have to set down some boundaries, some rules as far as how many calls you're willing to take from her in a day. 1, 5, 10? What is comfortable for you? Then you have to come up with pat answers for her continuous questions. A good answer is that she's in the ALF b/c her doctor feels it's the RIGHT place for her to be at in this stage of her life; it's the safest place for her to be, with medications managed for her and care available for showers, etc, and meals served 3x a day. Her DOCTOR has ordered this move, and he is the only one who can give her permission to go back home again. That won't happen, of course, but that's the reason you keep giving her for why she's there and why she has to stay put.

Can she call a cab and tell the driver what her address is? If she's actually able to do that, then you have a bigger issue on your hands than getting angry calls from her! Hopefully she cannot do that, and she's just complaining...........

Visits need to be brief. You'll need a plan for those, too. Bring photos and small gifts and treats to give her. Also bring another person as a buffer, if possible. I NEVER go visit my mother alone. She treats me miserably, but she treats my husband like a King. So, when I bring him with me, she's all nicey-nicey. If I go alone, she'll tear me apart with her big sharp teeth, so I don't go alone. You'll learn what not to do from growing scar tissue; that's the truth of the matter.

My mother is 94 with moderately advanced dementia and now resides in the Memory Care bldg of the AL she's lived in since 2015. Her new topic of 'conversation' is that she's 'getting on the bus to go to New York *we live in Colorado* to visit her mama, papa and siblings* who are all deceased. She's the last man standing now. I just go along with it, but remind her the bus isn't going anywhere in the evenings due to Covid. Then she tells me she doesn't know how she'll get 'home' *to my house* so she thinks she'll just stay in her apartment tonight. I say that's fine, mom, whatever you wish.

So you play it all by ear, is what I'm saying. Some days are worse than others. It takes a while for them to adjust and acclimate to AL life, and to make friends and learn the new lifestyle. Once your mom gets into the swing of things, she'll be fine, I'm sure. She'll use you as her sounding board & scratching post, so you just have to learn how to side-step the worst of it.

Wishing you good luck & Godspeed during the adjustment period! Good luck with your surgery, too, and I hope the recuperation is swift & total.

Most places recommend that family members remain scarce when a family member is first placed in any type of facility, to give them time to acclimate and get settled in.
Perhaps you need to just let her calls go to voicemail, so you won't have to think of what to say to her. You can always just check in with the person in charge of the AL if you are at any point concerned about her, and want to know how's she doing. Your mom is going to be just fine. She just needs time to get used to her new surroundings, so don't worry, she'll adjust.
You just need to take care of yourself now, with your upcoming surgery. I hope everything goes well with it. Best wishes.

My Mom is now 7 weeks into her move, but she wanted to have her own place, and that’s always been her plan. She did not like losing control of her finances at first, but we had multiple conversations about how this (POA and AL) was all part of her own master plan for her care that she set up years ago. Eventually that sunk in.
Her image of herself is more spry as well. She is probably one of the more mobile ones there, and she knows it. However, for where she is mentally (completely unaware of how unsafe her AD is making independent navigation) I think it’s the right place. The facility had a staff covid exposure right when she moved in so no in room visiting yet, though I can schedule to visit in public areas. Everone’s vaccinated. Mom was a little confused at first, then a little down, but in the last two weeks she seems to have hit her stride and this week is saying she likes it.
Hallelujah!
I was really second guessing my decision and feeling guilty (sleepless), but having her hunkered down in my living room all day while I worked and she withdrew into her own little world wasn’t good at all. They just opened up dining with more than one resident at a table, and that’s helped a lot. Ask the facility if they can pair her with someone to help her navigate the first few weeks. I would usually do one visit a week, sometimes not very long because the move is disorienting, and she was not able to focus. If you think that a visit will agitate her, then discuss it with the nursing director and maybe back off on calls and visits until she’s settled in. I was definitely expecting an uptick in her dementia as she worked to assimilate, and she was definitely frazzled, but they kept her oriented and directed. Now she seems pretty content. I hope that your surgery goes well and that your mom will settle in soon.

X