Last night I was talking to my narcissistic mom on the phone. I mentioned that our son was accepted into a great university far away...he's already made a school decision, but we were happy for him. Then I mentioned at some point that we might sell our house and move to a smaller one closer to my husband's business. It was just chit chat. This morning she called and said she couldn't sleep worrying over us moving far away, etc... and that I said, she would be better off to stay in her own home as long as possible. I said that to be encouraging...but she took it the other way. There is no way she is ever moving in with us. I cannot go through caring for her like I did for my dad (they are divorced and she is remarried). I don't even think I could handle her living in the same town as me! She's just too much. In fact, Covid has been a good excuse to not see her. I know that sounds harsh.
Anyway... she said her husband is re-writing his will... they have disowned the former golden child and family and now the former black sheep is the golden child...it's crazy. So I guess her future is on her mind.
I just told her that I cannot ever go through caring for someone like I did for my dad and that I over the past years I have come very close to a few "nervous breakdowns." I also told her she or my dad never had to care for their parents in this way and that she was very fortunate. She did ...amazingly... agree with me.
I just started therapy and planning to mention this. Anyway, I just cannot handle her. I don't know how to tell her that, but I can't. Thoughts and feedback are appreciated.
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Cheering you on from here!
No, "I'm sorry" or explanation.
Having HAD a complete nervous breakdown, I can attest to the fact they are awful and have left me a little more emotional and skittish at times. I've learned that I HAVE to put myself first or I will crash and burn again.
As far as inheriting from mom? IDK. I don't think about it. She really has nothing. To hold that over my head is just annoying.
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We can learn from our past experiences, rather than repeating them.
I would try not to be anxious about your decision.
You don’t owe your mom an apology or explanation for your decisions that you have made.
Best wishes to you and your family.
My point is don't listen to a statement about wills. I am not belittling the importance and necessity of money. They may or may not be changed but the threat to you is narcissistic and one only knows when the time comes. My mother was left more in a friend's will than she was by her half brother who left sums of money to several girlfriends. My cousins were so grateful when some of them passed and they could be done with them.
Now as to her worrying, just tell her "Gee, sorry. Don't worry overmuch. I was just emoting on ideas. Who knows where things will end up."
I sure would let a parent know that my limitations meant I could not live with them. It isn't really fair that they don't know that. I would be great with NEAR me. And would do what I could. But I would have boundaries and honor my limitations. It is the only way to a solid mental health. I would be kind and gentle and I would take full responsibility that these were my limitations; that I have deficits, and I know them. That I understand what I CAN take on and what I cannot. That's a full stop. I am who I am. You are who you are. Your Mom is who she is. Once you are honest with one another it takes away such a massive layer of "stuff" you try to build round you and her for cushioning, so much worry.
I just always say "I never said I was a great person; sorry for my deficits. But at this age (79 this year) they are unlikely to change."
I'm so glad that you are going to therapy.
I don't think you have to tell her you dislike being around her. Talk to your therapist about creating healthy boundaries. We can't choose our family members but we can choose how we interact with them (or not). IMO you don't even have to keep broaching the topic of not being her "care plan". She is a full grown adult and you've apparently already told her this. You do not need to keep defending your decision. This is on her. Or, maybe her husband is more reasonable and you can have this discussion with him present. Your therapist can help you script something. But I wouldn't tell her more than once. I wish you all the best as you move through this.
You just need to tell her that you can't provide her with a place to live or do hands on care.
Look, if your mother is aging, surely it is time to bring up to her their plans for eldercare. The fact that they are re-working their wills makes this the perfect opportunity to say " and what are your plans for when you can't live at home any longer?" If she suggest moving in with you, tell her that you won't be allowing that to happen. Why? Because it doesn't fit with your plans.
Are you afraid of making her angry? Why is that?