Just...Grieving. How do you process this kind of grief?

This is what is called "anticipatory grief". You can Google it. It's a real thing.

The day my mom arrived in sub-acute rehab and they got her up for PT (or tried to) and she passed out with a moan? The nurse assisting the code team took me to her office and told me to stay until they got me. I realized that there was a real chance that my mom wasn't going to make it out of this situation alive. I cried hysterically for about ten minutes and rhen I made a list of all the folks I would need to contact when/if she died.

I remember the time in Bed Bath and Beyond when my mother argued with me about "anti- itch" cream. She wanted to buy a product with no cortisone, when I knew that was the active ingredient she wanted. "But it SAYS anti-itch cream" she kept saying. I realized her brain was fried and I cried all the way home.

I disagree, respectfully, with your husband. It is healthy and proper to grieve the fact that the knowledgable, healthy parent who raised you and taught you is no longer. It's a long goodbye and frankly, by the time my mom died, it was a relief to us all that she was no longer suffering.

Please be gentle with yourself and find a support group, a therapist, a friend who understands this journey you are on.

Most people associate grief with the emotions following the death of a loved one. However, as already mentioned, grief can set in long before death. Anticipatory grief is a valid emotion and can be just as consuming as grief after death. There is no such thing as grieving prematurely. Grief comes when it comes. This type of grief can set in as soon as a LO is diagnosed with an incurable disease. It can wear down a caregiver not only emotionally, but physically and even spiritually. How many emotions are there? Sadness, anger, frustration, hopelessness, anxiety, guilt, love, depression- a person caring for a LO can go thru many of them especially if their caregiving experience is lengthy. But anticipatory grief can actually be of benefit. What would you like to say to your dad? Are there any issues that need to be resolved? Now is the time. It can prevent any guilt you might feel afterwards that you didn't address unresolved issues.

What can you do? Accept your feelings, they are normal. Don't be afraid to overtly express your feelings but don't do it in anger. Discuss end of life wishes for your dad. Review any financial and health documents your dad might have. Attend a support group. Retain your social contacts. Create pleasant moments with your dad when you are with him... reminisce, talk of mutual memories, have him talk about what he enjoyed most. And by all means, take care of yourself and don't rule out grief counseling.

Some on this forum are going thru anticipatory grief like you are. Some are experiencing after death grief. And some have overcome it after a long journey. You are not alone. Our thoughts are with you.

Remember this: Tears are God's holy water; they heal us as they flow.
~Rita Schiano

It's okay to cry. It's okay to feel emotionally gutted. It's okay to prematurely grieve for the 'old' father you've lost to this new father he's become.

Just like he has good days & bad days, so will YOU have your good days & bad days. There's no way out of this, either. The only way out is through. When we love someone, we travel the journey to death with them, whether we want to or not. It's a privilege and a curse both at the same time. Because we have to watch them wither away (unless they pass blessedly in their sleep one night, and even then there's the shock of the unexpected to deal with), and it's so hard to do.

I think you process your grief by allowing yourself to feel it. You're hurting b/c you're watching the father you knew your whole life slip away. My father developed a brain tumor sometime in his 80's, most likely, but we were unaware of it. He had difficulty walking, which we attributed to neuropathy, and then had to stop driving. I moved both of my parents out to Colorado to be closer to me (I'm an only child) in 2011 when dad went downhill.

For the next nearly 4 years, I watched him decline on what felt like a daily basis. He went from a vibrant man to a frail and feeble little whisper of his former self. When he finally went onto hospice in 2015, I literally watched him die for 19 days, in a hospital bed in his room at the Assisted Living Facility both he & mom were living in. It was the worst 19 days of my life. I cried daily, but I cried a lot for the years prior to his hospice days as well, knowing his days were limited.

That's love. That's what it looks like and what it costs. We can't stop the death process from happening, but we can Facetime 3x a day to stay in touch, and let our dad's know we love them and cry when we need to. And, if we have faith, we know in our heart's that when their journey does end, it begins at a new level in a better 'place' with a whole new level of well being that did not exist here on earth. That's what I hold onto, along with all the signs I still get from dad in the form of coins and other things I cherish.

Wishing you the best of luck getting through this most difficult time, dear one. Sending you a hug and a prayer for strength.

Yes, what you are experiencing, like BarbBrooklyn said, is anticipatory grief. You are grieving the father you once knew, and who will never be the same again. And as he declines more, you will grieve more. It's hard, I know. I experienced anticipatory grief for years as I watched my darling husband decline slowly at first and then more rapidly towards the end. It's heart wrenching to say the least. Just know that grieving is healthy, and shouldn't be stuffed down and not dealt with. That will only make things worse. So grieve for the father you love, and know that there are folks out there, that know exactly what you're going through. God bless you.

I will tell you the truth that when my brother, suffering from both a diagnosis of probable early Lewy's Dementia and from an accident that precipitated that diagnosis, as well as finally sepsis, when he did finally go I was relieved. For him especially, and I will be honest to say for me as well. He was frightened of what his diagnosis would mean. I was as well. We had to sell his final small home, he had to move to ALF and asked me to be Trustee of his Trust and his POA which was all unknown territory for me. We lived at either end of our state and flying back and forth was difficult until Covid made it impossible.
If your father and you shared so much love (as did my bro and I) it is my feeling that you will feel relief after now accepting the fact that there is nothing but loss and unknown ahead for him, and for you to suffer seeing his torment.
I sure do wish you the luck. This is likely the right time to mourn. And when your Dad finds peace after suffering it is likely the time to let go, carry him with you while you have life, and know how lucky you are to have had him.
I sure do wish you luck and am so sorry this happened to you both.

There's no timeline for grief -- it happens when it happens. I've lost both of my parents and one of them is still alive, so I wonder what I'll feel when my poor mother finally goes. I often wonder if I have any grief left (I do, though).

Your husband couldn't be more wrong about waiting for the right time to experience grief. Grief comes from loss, and no one would question that you've experienced a significant loss. Just because your dad is still alive doesn't make that any less upsetting.

I'll say this one thing, though -- don't let the fact that your dad has a group of friends in Michigan keep you from moving him closer to you. Yes, he has friends, but YOU are his family, and you'll be the one helping him through this for the rest of his life. The friends will drop off -- they always do, especially if your dad isn't no longer as cognizant as he once was. Don't blame the friends, but their pal is also gone, and they won't be coming around much pretty soon.

We experienced it with my mother when I placed her in a nursing home close to her home and friends. She had about four visitors in seven months, including a guy who didn't even realize she had dementia and published what she told him (about an imagined marriage a mere four months after my dad's death!) in a local newsletter. I was killing myself driving in L.A. traffic 2-3 times a week to visit her and take her to doctor appointments for no good reason. I finally realized I needed to keep a closer eye on her and moved her down near me. It's been much less stressful for everyone, and many of her friends have asked me why I waited so long to move her.

Go ahead and cry, but I advise moving Dad closer to you, because it'll be better for both of you.

I went through a similar situation with my parents, last surviving kid, three states away and dealing with dads dementia and the whole menu of elder care problems.

Dad starting developing dementia at about age 80 and he got worse each year. Mom had a host of medical issues but was still with it mentally for the most part. It was horrible to watch as she lost her husband over a period of years.

I would make the long drive every few weeks and do all I could to keep things going but after going through one crisis after another I got then in assisted living.

After mom died I eventually moved dad to Michigan in a good nursing home near me. At this point he kinda knew me sometimes, sometimes not so much. I grieved for my dad in bits and pieces particularly when he and I would go through his picture box of the old days.

Dad died a peaceful death last year. I’m so glad I had time with him living close to me as well as being able to easily deal with all the medical and care issues that arose.

Maybe you can move your dad near you as he declines and his community of friends gets smaller and less available. It sure sounds to me like you’re doing all the right stuff thus far. Your dad is luckily to have you.

Dear Raven,

It is normal and natural to have these feelings and worries for your beloved dad. It is a shock when we see our strong parents face a health crisis. After my dad's stroke, I had hoped that my father would "get better" and return to his normal life.

It's so important to have support during this difficult time. There is already so much on your shoulders and living far away is another stress on you. Please know it's okay to express your feelings and thoughts.

Thinking of you.

Who says “how much easier” any of us have it? Most certainly not I.

Even we ourselves have no formed idea of how much we’ll miss someone or how important they are to us until the changes start to happen.

I think it’s amazing and beautiful that you’ve been able to keep him near you on face time, and that he’s been remembering SOME things, and that after all he’s been through, he’s “still there” if only part of the time.

You KNOW that the very last thing in the world he’d want for you to do is sink to despair. There’s still awareness, still joy for him from hearing about his daughter and son in law and grand daughter, still the baseball season coming up, still recovery, a lot or a little from a vicious dis east hat even the experts don’t know everything about.

My story? I had a very difficult fertility history, and finally FINALLY became pregnant, after many losses, at 38. My father, a very young 73, was OVER THE MOON!

I had a difficult delivery, but a beautiful son. Dad was at the hospital every day, and cut the baby’s ID bracelet off when we came home.

Nineteen days later, I was wakened from a nap by my husband, telling me that Dad had had a spell, and we had to go right away.

He was gone before I got there. He’d decided to plant his asparagus after lunch, and a relative had found him in his garden. It took me years to recover.......

Your situation now, is not better or worse or easier or harder than mine was. It was different.

I have a TON of guilt about his death, most or maybe all of it unwarranted. But from the moment I learned he was gone, that was unchanging. What YOU are doing now, is a gift to him and a gift for you. Relish it for that.

Has he been vaccinated yet? Have you had enough absolute, irrefutable medical advice to determine that his situation is probably static? Have any therapies been attempted, any signs of some positives among the negatives you already know?

In retrospect I sometimes wonder whether I “whined” enough when my dad died. “What does she have to cry about, she has a beautiful new baby to fill her world”? Or not.

I think you’re doing as well as you can expect of yourself. Please honor yourself with rest and good self care.

You’ve done every good thing for your dad possible, so far. Now cherish what you have with him right in this moment. It will be good for him, and good for you.

Raven, I’m sorry for what you and your dad are going through. My mother had a sudden and severe stroke, instantly we lost so much of her. She wasn’t the same person ever again. She died four years later and we lost her again. I was very close to her and all of it rocked my world. I learned that there’s no right way to handle it. You feel what you’re feeling, and muddle through the best you can. Your dad is blessed to have you in his corner and I wish you both peace