I just happened on this site just now, as I am fed up with looking after my parents and feel guilty about it.
I have been through Cancer treatment at the end of last year and went through it alone, my boys are in University and I did not want them coming home to look after me through Covid and still it was all about my mother and how she felt. My mum and dad had cancer and I moved in with them to help look after them yet I was basically left to get on with my Cancer alone.
My dad has the start of dementia and I had to sort the carer who was still phoning me while I was in hospital having Chemo and my mother all annoyed with me as I could not get a signal in the hospital to call them back. I have 2 sisters who will not have anything to do with any of it and have left it all to me, I am a single mum of two so they think I do not have a life so it is all up to me and I feel guilty when neither of them do.
I feel like I have lost the last 20 years of my life looking after them and I do not want to do it any more. Having Cancer has made me realise you do find out who your friends are, but more importantly I found out who my family was and none of them were there for me. My mother goes on about how she got over cancer alone etc and will not have it that I moved in, fed her, carried her to the toilet, took her to the hospital and stayed while she had her treatment, had to work part time and look after two little boys as my father would not help either, and now I am feeling really resentful and I do not want to do it any more. Mum will phone me 5-6 times a day yet only my sisters once a week, all with poor me this poor me that, poor my life. I am only 49 yet I feel like I have no life. I spent the last 8 months trying desperately to live and for what?
Neither of my parents would look after their parents when they grew old, just like my sisters are now with them so why do I feel guilty.
My mother needs attention constantly, last week she was all upset on the phone saying my father's legs were all swollen and red and his toes were going black. When I left work in haste to get there, as she would not call or have an ambulance called, he had banged his big toe and had a black toe nail, then lied to my face laughing saying she never said any of that.
My birthday is the day after my mothers also, so for all my life we have always celebrated her birthday and not mine and I am now really resentful and have had enough but I do not know what to do about it or my feelings. Before I had cancer I just got on with it and the years just went but now I want a man in my life which I have not had also for nearly 20 years, I want to go on holiday without my parents, celebrate my birthday not hers, not have to do the Christmas, Easter, every holiday with them. My boys played rugby so for 10 years I had to take my mother along to the games, while she got drunk and embarrassing, then take her home. I called her my chastity belt as whenever there was a rugby party my mother was always there, drunk.
Now I have opened the flood gates I can not stop it seems, I want a life but I feel I can not and that I am going to be stuck looking after my parents forever until I will wake up one day and my life will be over.
Now I am sounding so melodramatic but my boys went to University last year and I thought now my work there was done and set them on their road to adulthood so I could then have a life only to be struck down with Cancer and both my parents depending on me. The story she tells my sisters is so different to the dramatic one she tells me. I do not get on with my eldest sister as we fell out over all this and I suppose played right into her selfish little hands as now she doesn't have to listen to what is really goes on and just gets the Mary Poppins version from mum.
Sorry for the rant but felt good typing this actually and all the love with everyone else going through what you are going through too.
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You have done more than your share. I LOVE what cwille has so wisely said, “Parents are supposed to raise their children to leave the nest and live their own lives.” I would never want my children to be that attentive to me.
You cannot continue on this path without consequences.
Please remove yourself from this awful situation. You deserve so much more. You deserve peace and joy in your life.
You don’t deserve misery and heartache.
I am glad that you found this forum. I found wonderful support from many of the posters during my primary caregiver days.
I still look to this forum for support while my mom is in hospice with end stage Parkinson’s disease.
When Covid wasn’t an issue I attended an in person support group for caregivers.
I also saw a therapist to help sort through my emotions. I believe that you could benefit from a professional outside perspective as well.
Caregiving never gets any easier. It only becomes more difficult. Sometimes it blows up in your face.
When I simply couldn’t bear anymore I had to let go.
We have been brought up to believe that we must be strong and hold on.
Okay, I buy that theory in certain situations, like when we are in school and working towards a degree. We keep pushing forward.
Caregiving is a different situation all together. We shouldn’t hold onto to something that is becoming harmful to us. At that point, we must use our strength to let go.
When I say let go, I mean completely let go, without any guilt whatsoever!
Let them see what it is like without YOU in the picture. Believe me, they will be singing a different tune then.
I don’t know if I helped you very much. I tend to speak from my heart and hope that I helped in some small way.
You have my support, empathy and prayers.
I wish you the very best that life has to offer.
Nothing happens overnight but all it takes is one step at the time to find your way out of this.
Keep us updated on your life. We care.
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"Never light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm."
What your mthr is doing, a wonderful poster spelled mother this way because she said her mthr was missing something vital, I have one of those types too. But, she is gaslighting you. Telling you things and then saying she never said it is an actual tactic used by people to cause others to question themselves. Look this up and learn what it is and it will help you tremendously.
You have done your share and have no reason to feel guilty for wanting the servitude to be done. It sounds like you were groomed to be their caregiver, when a parent teaches a child that they are not worthy of being celebrated but, the parent is, it just screams narcissist and it grooms a child to grow into an adult that questions their own worth, all while bowing to the parents demands.
You are so blessed to see that the cycle needs to stop. You are not responsible for your parents, you are not a garbage can for your mom to dump all of her toxic waste in, you have gone above and beyond anything that she has given you and you can walk away with a clear conscience.
Most importantly, you matter and you deserve to be happy and loved.
Your parents need to find the solution to their own problems, starting today, because you have a new lease on life and this one doesn't include being a personal pizzing post for your parents.
When people show you who they are, believe them. Your family is probably going to have kittens and try to blame, shame and degrade you. Please don't let any of their words own you. They just don't want to lose the good thing they have in you, so be prepared for tantrums like you have never seen. Blocking numbers is okay, not taking or returning phone calls is okay and protecting yourself is okay.
Go live a wonderful life filled with your hearts desires. Shake the dust of this "family" off and live!
I have a different perspective on things than many older folks, I guess, because I didn't have children so I could turn them into my caregivers when I got old.
Give up the position you've taken on, with no regrets, no looking back, and with no guilt. Figure out who your mother can HIRE to come in to care for her now that you've resigned your post, or which managed care facility she can live in, and that's that.
You've done enough. Don't live the rest of your life as a martyr. Take your life BACK now and get on with it. Mother will be fine. It's YOUR turn to live now, and there should be no shame or guilt associated with that RIGHT which belongs to you.
Do it. Don't look back. Mother, I love you, but I have to leave now. For ME. For MY future and for MY sanity. I owe it to MYSELF to live the life God gave me.
Good luck
Mom can do it.
I am telling you this because my situation is easier than yours but I am scared that I will never live my life. I can understand you perfectly.
When she had a kind of heart block I told her that she will celebrate her 100th birthday but I am not sure I will celebrate my 50th because of all the frightens she is giving me. I was joking then... But now I am really afraid.
I can share what I am trying to do to help myself:
* I am seeing a therapist
* I go out walking and I take photos when I can
* I will try to find time to put some make up... I sometimes feel like sh**t don't want to look like one
* I am trying to organize a holiday hiring a 24/7 carer for at least one week or finding an assisted house which accepts people for short periods for respite
* I am starting to take yoga classes online (lockdown in Italy at the moment, not a hard one like last year but no gym since October}.
She is bedridden now after falling and breaking a pelvis bone. After 2 weeks working at home and taking care of her alone, I hired someone.
This is the big change! I am learning to ask for help, not to take everything on my shoulders.
I feel better... After 2 freezing episodes (that is how the therapist called them) I told myself I do not want to choose my "death" to make her live as she wants.
I have put my life on standby for too long!
You, we deserve to live our lives! We will not have another one.
Ah and she likes the lady the agency sent!
A win win choice!
I wish you all the best!
(((hugs)))) How you are feeling is completely understandable. When you've been so selfless and caring and compassionate towards your parents' care. Having cancer is a time when you need care and compassion in return. I wish so much your sisters would have stepped up and shown you the same consideration. It's very hurtful.
The anger and resentment you are feeling is normal and a sign to make a change as soon as you can. I would try and talk to a social worker and see what community supports are available.
Good to know when you've had enough and need help and a change. Please don't feel guilty for looking out for yourself and wanting to protect your own health. I know too many daughters that have sacrificed everything for their parents. Even for myself it feels like a thankless job.
Please know we are with you. (((hugs)))
You are not a Saint. You are a human being. Were you a Saint we could kill you and then pray to you to fix everything for us for eternity. Bad job description.
What you want here now is another G word entirely. It is grief. Grief that not matter what you do it is never enough and it is unending. And an H word. Hopeless.
I will remind you that at this time you have an obligation to your own family and to yourself to do as much as you can to keep your own health strong enough for the fight. Let your parents know that is what you will have now to do. Try to help them connect with the system through Council on Aging in your community.
If you do not get this on your own please consider professional help so that someone can help you gain strength to stand for yourself. This is not about siblings who won't help. This is not about parents in need or about their ability to be grateful. This is about your one and only life.
I sure wish you luck. No matter what G word you use it is crucial now that you act in your own behalf. If there are tears, rage, accusations, then that is just fine, because life is full of time when those are appropriate responses. You still have to go on.
Your sisters learned early on that they could not and would not ever step into the caregiver role for your parents, so now it's time you learn that lesson too. You've paid your dues, now it's time for you to have a life, and to be able to celebrate your own birthday. Your parents will be just fine. They will have to figure out on their own, what will have to be done with their care from here on out. Don't feel bad for one more second. You have an exciting life out there, just waiting for you to live it. I pray that God will give you the strength and courage to do what you know in your heart of hearts needs to be done.
Your feelings are very understandable and you are entitled to them. Never let anyone tell you otherwise. When it is demanded that we think and feel a certain way, and we fall in line with THAT, then we cease to even be our own person anymore.
If I were you, I'd send them all a text or email saying that I need to heal and I'm taking a big fat break. Then I'd block them all for at least a month.
I will add that every single one of us here know at least one person (I know many) who developed cancer during or very shortly after being a caregiver to a loved one. It GRINDS you down!