To have a memorial service or not?

Any choice you make is fine. My dad died last summer, he’d wanted a big funeral. I was in charge and it didn’t happen. We had a small outdoor funeral, no reception, no flowers, just a quick service. It was best for all of our emotional and physical health that it all be simple and quick. I have no regrets. Do whatever you feel is right and have no guilt about it. Those who love you will understand and the rest don’t matter. I’m sorry for your loss

I'm sorry your father died, and I am sorry you have to go through all of this as he should have pre-planned and paid the delicate matter of disposing of the body to save you this terrible headache and expense. DEATH is very expensive, and it does not end there: If the estate was not preplanned you will have to go through another terrible ordeal called probate, property transfers, home-owner's insurance title transfers, and so on--all of which will require an attorney.

I do not know if your dad had any military benefits, but you MUST notify Tri-Care of his death. Further if he had a military stipend--you **MUST** notify them of the death to stop payment because whatever they pay out after death they will want back. They eventually will find out. I am mentioning this now to save you heartache later. Now the funeral home is required to notify Social Security but I would call them just in case to stop payments immediately. The funeral home will only notify Social Security and that is it. NOTIFY THE BANK to help prevent fraud. Death is a huge mess! You also have to notify water and electric utilities. To add insult to injury, if they filed taxes, you have to do that too. A final one.

Social Security will not pay you a dime. You have to be their spouse or dependent child and they will send like $200 for help pay for the cost of funeral expenses.

Just to also let you know your father's debts are no longer your responsibility unless you co-signed something. So keep a copy of his death certificate. My mom owed a few thousand to the ambulance services because they charted incorrectly and I refused to pay anything so when she died years later they sent me a bill and I mailed them a photocopy of her death certificate and they stopped sending me bills. The fact they never got paid is their fault because of their irresponsible charting. So they can eat it up.

Money is for the living, and you are going to need a lot of it to settle his estate if he did not preplan those matters. It sounds like you were named the executrix of the Estate because POA ceases once they die. Put it another way--if family wants a memorial service, burial etc., ..let them pay for it.

The only thing that comforts me when my mom died is knowing her ordeal of life is over and is in a much better place, and the fact we all are going to die someday. So it will be out turn later.

Once a person dies, they are gone. What matters is how a person is treated when they are alive. I got my mom cremated without a service, because the "memorial service" is my unending love for her that I carry with me for the rest of my life.

My mom's ashes are in a cigar box that I bought on Amazon for $45. It is a humidor, very solid and high quality. Likewise my father in a similar box. Both in an antique cabinet in my home. I decorated the cabinet with flowers (artificial), and photos. You see a memorial need not cost you anything. What you carry inside of you is all that matters.

Sad even when one is dead, it's still expensive.

He said a simple memorial service, so I say stick with the family-only event. Run an obituary with "private services" in it, and at least some contact information, whether it's the funeral home, or a charity for people to donate to. People can write notes and the mortuary will forward them to you. Be sure to notify the charity you choose with a family contact name and address so the charities can notify you of donations received with the names and addresses of the donors, and you can write a thank you note to the donor then.

My dad died of Covid in August of last year. He was cremated. I held a scattering of roses and ashes ceremony at a beautiful park in his hometown. Only a few people were asked to attend; mask required; social distancing. It turned out to be a beautiful little ceremony. It was held approximately one month after his death. I would definitely do this again instead of a funeral or memorial service.

I agree with the simple and private family memorial service. If your dad had a deep affection for his hometown or lived there for decades, you can consider making a permanent memorial in his memory, like installing a park bench or donating a beautiful flowering tree, or adding equipment to a park playground, drinking fountain or concrete picnic table. It doesn't have to happen right away and you can have a dedication ceremony once covid is passed, if you want. We have neighbors who have done that in my town for their spouses. The park bench and a drinking fountain both have a plaque on them with the honoree's names. I think it's a wonderful thing to do if one is able.

Funerals are for the living, not the dead. You do whatever give you the most comfort and peace, and don't worry about "appearances".

When mom died, we had a small funeral, with the expectation of doing a church memorial this spring, when hopefully everything opened back up. Well, things here really haven't improved, numbers wise, and the longer the time goes since she passed, the more I have been thinking that a full-on church service is unnecessary. We were really doing it more for my niece, since she was unable to fly in, and was hoping to get back East in the Spring, but again, I don't see that happening.

Whichever decision you make will be the "right" one, as long as you are reasonably sure you won't look back, beating yourself up afterwards.

And you have my deepest sympathies for your loss. (((hugs))))

Keep it very simple. There is nothing wrong with only having a private Memorial with only immediate family members.

Invite clergy if you desire but if you don’t wish to, you could read the 23rd psalm and a couple of his favorite scriptures.

You’re right in saying that Covid has changed everything.

The only other thing that I can think of is having a Zoom service.

I would wait. I've got 3 containers of ashes my mom my brother my son. You can only do so much.

It is best to do this the way YOU want--this is not a social obligation that has to follow a lot of special rules or meet the expectations of other people.

There is nothing lame about skipping the local memorial service. If it were me I'd have a more personal, smaller memorial service. Do what is most comfortable for you and your family.