I am an only child and helped take care of my Mom until her passing at 87 from Parkinson's last year. My Dad (79) was her primary care taker and has suffered 2 small strokes since her passing. He's recovered physically from the strokes and is still independently living in his apartment, but suffers from spinal stenosis, has some memory loss issues (ie: forgetting to take meds) and I know he (as am I) is still grieving. My husband, teen daughter and I have been helping him more and more with things like finances, laundry, ect. He has a few friends locally that he talks to from time to time, but no one on a regular basis and I am his only family nearby. He has strong community ties and before COVID was still asked to participate in community events (ie: as chaplain for the village fire dept and was the village historian). Our plan has always been to move south (SC/FL) once my daughter graduates high school & DH and I retire. We want Dad to live with us but he is insisting on staying put in NY. I'm between a rock and a hard place...my family and I are getting ready to move in the next year (or two) but I do not want to leave Dad behind. I understand how hard it will be to leave the area he is familiar with, but I'm afraid that he will continue to decline and won't be able to care for himself (especially since lately we've been doing more and more for him.) I don't fully trust that he'll be properly taken care of if he doesn't come with us and I feel like the stress will consume me. How can I convince him that being with family is more important than the town he grew up in?
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Once you and he have the PoA in place, he should have a medical exam where his doctor discretely does a cognitive/memory exam on him. He needs a baseline measurement in his records. Do not do this before creating the PoA. Only do it after.
If he is already forgetting to take his meds, this is a problem. Short-term memory loss can also make him forget to eat (which happened to my MIL). Your dad has had a huge change in the past year and more is surely to come, and quicker than anyone can imagine. Start with getting the durable, springing PoA. Also, please reconsider having him actually live in the house with you. This is not good for your privacy, your marriage or your stress levels. Try not to romanticize his caregiving in your home. If you think he's stubborn now, just wait until he's in your home and refuses to shower or wear Depends. You can read all about it on this forum from those who have gone before you. He will do much better in a more social environment in a senior community in FL. I wish you much wisdom and peace in your heart.
What I suggest is finding him, if he can afford it, a nice Assisted Living where he now lives. They will be in charge of his meds. He will have 3 meals a day, outings and entertainment. Socialization too.
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My point is, let your father live his life on his terms until it becomes no longer viable for him to do so. He'll tell you when he can't do it anymore, and then you can make arrangements to move him closer to you. That's my suggestion. You can always see if he'd like a caregiver to come in to help him out a few days a week once you move.
You need your life, and he needs his. Hopefully, you can both accomplish that.
Good luck!
Talk about your move and the things available in areas you are looking. Something may interest him. If he has money to continue living where he is, and is still healthy enough to live alone, he may decide to hire the help he needs. In fact, you could try that out now by being too busy to drop by to do laundry - have a cleaning lady go in to do some of the things you do. See how it goes. You could still go buy for visits, but the work transferred to someone else. Often when older people see how much something costs these days, they will be more agreeable to another way.
You can also discuss the harsh winters up north as opposed to a southern climate - falling on ice, unable for people to get in/out to help him. Discuss as though these are reasons YOU want to move - don't push on him as reasons he should move.
If he lives with you, it will be a big burden, and there goes your retirement.
My parents had a condo up here and one in FL. I was surprised that the decision was made to sell the FL place when it became too difficult to travel between them. My mother raved about the FL place all the time. I suspect it was more because most family was up here and many friends as well. I'm glad they did - the 1.5 hours each way to clear, clean and get repairs done on the condo here took almost 2 years for me to finish before we could sell it. I can't imagine how we (make that I - most everything has been done by me, very little help from brothers) could have dealt with one in FL!! Between my mother and my cats, I wouldn't be able to go stay there, and on top of that, I'm not a big fan of FL. Always look on the bright side!
My Dad is the same way...hiding memory issues although it’s becoming more apparent to him. Lately if he can’t remember something he just says it’s due to some holes in his brain due to his strokes.
I looked at an Atria Sr living here in NY...it was my favorite. I can’t get over the difference in cost...between $3-5,000 more here than in FL. I will check out their other locations and talk with my Dad about checking them out with me.
Prayer is definitely something I need to remind my self about. Such simple advice that will help my Dad and I a great deal. Thank you.
Set up as many resources as you can for him beforehand.
Take care of necessary legal paperwork too. Being further away you won’t be able to run to the rescue quickly any longer.
I am happy to see that you have made your decision based on your own desires.
Please don’t ever consider not moving due to your dad’s health.
Of course, you are concerned about him. You love him. In the end, his decision is his choice as to whether or not he wishes to move along with you.
I wish your family well and hope there is a resolution that suits each of you.
Enjoy Florida!
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