I've been POA for my father for almost 4 years and care manage his entire life. This includes taking care of his old house, paying all bills, managing his health care, dealing with issues with his tenants and caregivers (and finding these people/hiring/firing etc) I live in a different state. I have full time work that I can't effectively do. I have developed intense debilitating anxiety and depression dealing with all of this. I've kept him in his house all this time (he's 91 with dementia) but at great cost to myself. He is currently in a temp rehab place and absolutely miserable saying he wants to go home. I need to step down but don't see what other options I have. He has children in another country but they don't help, only tell me what to do. I am going nuts. What do I do...
42 Answers
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
Get a property management company for the rental, they earn their money dealing with everything with the house and tenants.
A care manager will help dad with his in home help and report to you. They can also deal with all of his medical appointments and transportation to and from.
This will cost him and he will probably not like having to pay for all of the services that you now do for free.
Get all of his bills online and then you just have to go online monthly and send a bank check. Most bills can be rescheduled and then you have one due date for everything.
Being POA doesn't obligate you to kill yourself to prop up his charade of independence. You matter as much in this situation as he does.
Tell your Dad either you step down, he returns to his home, and have his other children take over..... or he moves to Senior Living and you will continue overseeing his bills, and managing his health.... but the rentals need to go and so does his house.
If he bulks at these two choices, tell him up to 40% of grown children who are caregivers die leaving behind the love one they were caring, what would he do if you passed on?
Don't give up your life so that your Dad can continue his lifestyle with a lot of help.
ADVERTISEMENT
Is he safer in the facility?
He may have to do what is best for him and not what he wants.
None of us gets everything we want, especially at someone else's expense.
I am so sorry that you are dealing with this.
Edit: if nobody takes care of him, the state will intervene and take control of him. This may be the only way to save yourself. He doesn't get to kill you because he doesn't want to change anything. It sucks that we have to go there with our parents but, they created the situation.
It now is not what Dad wants its what he needs. He needs a AL. Does your POA give you the right to sell, then I would do it. Sell his home, his rentals. Or use the rentals to pay for his care in an AL.
I would suggest getting expert tax advice before selling the rentals. The depreciation that gives rentals a cash flow advantage, is recaptured on sale. I'm not saying not to sell, but don't let the resulting tax bill be a surprise. Installment sale might stretch out the tax bill or 1031 exchange into something with better income might help, but an an expert can tell you the advantages and disadvantages.
If it all feels too expensive, remember the likely alternative is likely state guardianship, which will not minimize expenses.
Your work load already demonstrates that your father is unaware of his lack of ability to manage his own affairs.
Consider also that you DO have options. It is your FATHER whose options are diminishing.
If your POA was drawn up by a lawyer, you can contact that person and have the Bill sent to your father, and indicate at the same time that you are doing all that you are doing, and can no longer manage.
Dad’s SAFETY is critical and YOUR SAFETY IS TOO. Start today to ignore anyone and everyone who chooses from afar to tell you what do.
You cannot go on trying to figure out how to make what he wants happen. It will kill you! Your health and personal life will suffer, if it’s not already. You need a different plan and you need to tell your father his plan is not feasible. At 91 and with dementia, your father has no business owing a ton of money on a home that he cannot manage or seem to pay for, on his own. It is not easy. He will be angry with you. But his situation is not going to get better. Having POA means YOU make the decisions- you are in charge - you are not following your fathers impractical plan. I would also advise counseling. I had to go to counseling (via Zoom) and start medication for the anxiety and depression brought on by stepping in to care for my mother. It really helped. Good luck!
YOU NEED TO MAKE OTHER ARRANGEMENTS NOW.
For your own well-being and health.
Yes, he will continue to say he wants to go / come home. Expect this. Do not allow yourself to feel guilty - you'd want to go home too. However, there comes a time when changes need to be made. And that time is NOW. He will adjust to 'what is' as best he can. As you have adjusted. We do what we do for as long as we can do it.
And if his children and he do not thank you, I am thanking you for the four years you've been doing this. It is a huge service. I know, I'm in a similar situation. gg
It sounds like he's got money, so there is no reason why you cannot use his money to pay for an eldercare attorney to sort things out, including a court appointed legal guardian.
If he has dementia you are not doing him any favors letting him live by himself. One day he will wander off and get injured or killed. My sister-in-law let her mom live by herself, and I have been warning her for years to not allow that. She refused to listen. Her excuse is that her mom did not want to go to assisted living, and totally with it. She was in her 90's. She fell, broke her hip, and was on the ground for DAYS before someone found out. She ended up dying from the complications of being in the hospital from a hospital-acquired infection.
Tell him he must go to assisted living and sell his assets to pay for it. and do not feel guilty; everyone facing this must make these hard decisions; it is part of life.
That said, if you just feel you can't anymore, go to court and get a court appointed guardian; they will make the tough decisions for you; they deal with this all the time. Caveat: once you have done this, stay out of it and let them do their jobs! `
See All Answers