My mom's health has declined dramatically within the last year. Not only is she diabetic and has high blood pressure but she now has to have dialysis treatments 3X a week. Also, I believe all this is affecting my mom's mental health and her memory and cognitive skills are declining as well.
In the beginning of the year I put her in a nursing and rehab facility and my husband and I handle her finances and medical decisions. I thought this would be the best and would find a peace of mind since she needs 24 hour care and cannot do alot of things of her own now.
But now finding that even with her there I am even more stressed out, overwhelmed, and feeling guilty. She calls me all hours of the day and night with complaints of her not being properly cared for and complaints of always hungry. I'm in good communication with the nurses at the facility so I know she is being properly cared for. Plus, I read dialysis patients are always hungry and because her mental health is declining she forgets that she ate. She yells at me and says I don't care and that she wants her money so she can buy take out and eat whatever she wants and do whatever she wants. This is everyday. And it is exhausting. We bring her dinner twice a week and some snacks and try to visit with her as much as we can. My husband and I both work full time jobs and we have kids to take care for. Plus I am pregnant with my 3rd child. It's easy to ignore her when I am at work but I'm starting to feel mentally, emotionally and physically drained by all this and feeling depressed. I just want to give all this up and don't want to deal with her anymore. I just don't know what to do and I know my pregnancy is being negatively impacted by this also and I just hope and pray for healthy baby to born. I'm really trying to keep myself healthy but I can't and don't know why or don't know what to do. Any advice on how to deal with this?
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Shes awfully young at 66 to be in this situation and she's lashing out at you to fix it. But you can't do that. You have an unborn child and children to look after and that's the most important thing. Mom's in good hands, you know that....just stay in touch with the staff at the SNF and visit her as you're able. It's always good to be the advocate for a loved one in managed care so you can keep an eye on her. Take 1 call a day and let the rest go to voicemail. Let mom know you love her, but you didn't cause her health crisis and you can't cure it for her, either. She's where she belongs and while you're sad FOR her situation, you're not guilty for it because it's not within your power to control.
Don't risk your physical or mental health now while you're pregnant. I know how this all feels bc my mother lays the same guilt trips on me all the time. Its horrible and it gives me a stomach ache, but that's what she DOES. I back away from her and keep the calls and visits to a minimum bc she makes things unbearable. My DH called her tonight and she chewed his ear off about wanting to die and refusing to use her oxygen. Been hearing this same story for YEARS now and she's still going strong at 94. Sometimes I wonder if SHE will outlive ME.
Take care of YOU now and avoid as much of the mama drama as you can. So will I.
Good luck!
Im really trying to be patient and understanding in all of this with her. Especially knowing her health is not what it used to be. But she makes it really unbearable sometimes. It's such a heavy burden that I don't want to deal with but the guilt creeps in because she already feels abandoned and alone. When she isn't acting in a crazy manner she often tells me this and her sadness makes me sad too. 😔
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We get a lifetime to plan for our old age. Your mom's mental illness and other frailties does NOT make this your job.
I am so sorry for this stress that you are under. ((((Hugs))))
Tell me what is more important, you unborn child's future life, or your mom's end game? What woukd you tell a neighbor or friend?
You need to call the facility asap and tell them that mom needs a geriatric psych evaluation. Either she needs meds to calm down her anxiety, talk therapy or both.
You will tell them that for YOUR health (and that of your child) you need to step away. You are there for situations that THEY deem emergencies, but otherwise, block mom's number.
Tonight, before I wrote this, is the first time I have actually blocked my mom from trying to get in touch with me. It didn't stop her from leaving me voicemails but I deleted it without listening to it for my own sanity. She called my oldest son's phone and I had to block her number from there as she was trying to put him in the middle. Grrr...
Ill definitely call on Monday and see if they will give her a psych evaluation and meds.
I guess all these feelings stem from being all alone (with the exception of my husband) in this because I have no family close by to help or they don't seem to even want to. My brother came to visit her last week but he has his own thing going on and acts like he doesn't want to deal with it. 😩☹️