The Care Center my dad lives in recently opened for visitors on March 24th.
My dad did not have visitors for over a year as they closed the doors March 12th in Montana. My dad is confused and I don't know how he survived for over a year without family! I Skype with him a few times. He lost weight and his quality of life is nonexistent.
My brother has said 3 times(!) He would show up for a visit and never does! My dad is a widow and I am his only visitor at this point. My husband visits a little also.
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I can't explain why he acts like that because he does care about her, but he doesn't handle old people and their infirmities well, I guess. I don't worry about it anymore. I moved Mom closer to me (I live an hour from her last place), and he's been to see her a total of four times in two years.
I can't control his behavior, and I'm not going to stress myself out over it. As with many things I can't control, I just say "it is what it is" and move on.
Don't tell your dad your brother is coming to visit, so he won't be disappointed. If Bro shows up, it'll be a nice surprise.
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Sone people just don't like being in places like old folks homes and Hospitals as it makes them feel uncomfortable.
Maybe he just doesn't like seeing Dad like this.
Maybe he doesn't know what to talk about.
You should tell him that it hurts yours and Dad's feelings that he doesn't go and to please visit Dad once a week as he doesn't have anything else to look forward too.
Ask your brother if he would like to visit while you're there too.
Can you pick Dad up from the place or wheelchair him outside for a picnic?
Prayers
Three dates he's let go by in less than two weeks. Depending on how firm the arrangement was, how far he has to come and what else he has to organise, that doesn't sound like he's determined never to let your father see him again.
Pick up the phone and call him. There's probably a good reason, and you can encourage him in a positive, cheerful way to drop in as soon as he can.
It is very hard for all of us to see any loved one decline.
And the thought of visiting..
What do I say
What do we talk about
How am I going to sit and do noting for an hour or more
It is a Saturday, I have worked all week and I have stuff that needs to get done around the house
It is Saturday and I have worked all week and I want some time for myself to unwind
I hate the smell of that place, it smells like, urine, poop, old people....
That is not the way I want to remember dad
He will not know if I visited, and/or he won't remember I was there
Don't concern yourself with your brother not visiting,. That choice is on him not you.
If dad asks say.."I don't know when he is going to visit."
When dad dies your brother will miss him as much as you do, he will feel sad like you will. Will he be sorry that he did not visit more, possibly. But it is not your responsibility to make sure he visits. your brother is an adult his actions and the consequences are his.
“Promises made” become either “promises kept” or “promises broken”. It took me over a year, and several sessions with a good counselor, to understand that one of two POAs selected with trust and confidence by my LO would be 1,000 miles away for the hard stuff and the long haul.
I’m not sure it’s actually possible for any of us who have been locked away from LOs in residential care to assess how well or how poorly the folks in this situation fared, but whatever their situations were, we who love them MUST pick up the pieces wherever they’ve fallen, AND MOVE ON.
Don’t overestimate how much your father’s welfare depends on your absent brother, and for sure, don’t UNDERESTIMATE how much your contacts mean to him!
Your energy and love and strength are what your dad needs, whenever you can get to him. Don’t waste them on your brother’s conduct. This is what it is.
For your welfare AND YOUR DAD’S, LET IT GO.
That really is a question for your brother. Although many of us have similar experiences, the reasoning behind this is different for each person. If possible, call or visit with him and ask nicely if he is afraid or upset by seeing your once healthy dad like this. Ask if he would try a short visit with you there. If he really can't muster up enough to make the visit, encourage him to make contact in other ways. If dad can take phone calls or video chats, arrange that.
For us, it was my mother. The funniest part is neither brother had a clue about dementia or the cost of care. After the first place we checked out, BOTH immediately said "Gee, for that kind of money, I'd take her in!" Riiiight. OB isn't local, YB is. OB came up for checking out places and stayed with mom while he was here for a few days. When it came time to move her, I stayed out of it, requesting THEY do the move (I had done all the arranging and wanted no part in the move, expecting to get all the blame anyway.) She managed to "bruise" her leg and develop cellulitis just before the move. OB had to deal with that when he came up and stayed the few days before. The injury delayed the move and YB used it to draft a fib letter from 'Elder Services' instructing her to go where we choose or they will place her. She had been refusing to move anywhere. This was just enough to get it done! So, OB came up a few times to assist with the condo and during his last visit, we went together the evening he arrived. All was good (I busied myself to give them time together.) If you could have seen her reaction when she saw him!!! So, one morning I suggested he pick up DD coffee/donuts and visit while I get ready, since he wasn't local this might be his last chance. Maybe 15-20m at best. No comment from him. When we had some down time later, I suggested he visit again. He refused, stating he "didn't know what to do with her." THIS from someone who would have her 24/7, with no help from us??? HAH! It was pretty clear he just couldn't handle it and refused to even try. So she repeats herself. So she might ramble. Just BE there!
YB initially would sometimes join us for the special occasions they had for holidays, mom's birthday, BBQ for all, etc., but it was like pulling elephant teeth just to get a response from him. I finally stopped asking. I had enough to do without chasing after a grown man (boy) who is 10 years younger than I!
"It is incredibly heartbreaking for my dad!"
I can imagine it is. Countless times she would ask me if I'd seen or talked to one or the other brother. I could only say not recently. Eventually she stopped asking. Out of sight, out of mind... Even though she was living life about 40 years ago, we were all adults by then, so she remembered me, knew who I was and so long as the conversation could be pushed along, to get out of the repetitive ruts, it was nice to visit. Those two have to live with not being there for her. Will they regret? Who knows. I really don't care. For various reasons, including more or less abandoning their mother, once all the paperwork is done, I am finished with them. The verbal and physical abuse was bad enough, along with ZERO emotional support, but to just forget your mother is inexcusable. I don't need them in my life.
"Why does it hurt me so bad?"
Probably because you can see how much it hurts your dad. If you can get some kind of answer from your brother, it might help you let this go. No guilt laid on him when you ask, just let him know you want to understand and encourage him to try a visit with you there or make contact without visits. If he isn't willing, then try to let it go. With dad, you can try making excuses for your brother (work, too far, etc.) Pass it off saying you'll ask him later or just change the subject, if possible.
The best you can do for now is just continue to be there for dad! Even if/when he forgets who you are, a kind person coming to visit is good.
I experienced a similar thing with my own brother and my widowed father, so you are not alone.
If your father is still cognizant and asks why your brother does not visit - be honest. Tell him that it is "too painful" for your brother to see him in his current state of health - so he avoids coming.