When being the only caregiver, and deeply love and hurt for the one progressing in dementia, how do you handle finally moving to L/A?

You will do what's necessary to take care of him.

Repeat until you believe it.

"How to do it without him being angry or hurt..". Feeling angry at getting old or sad at moving are normal feelings. It is ok for him to feel however he may feel.

"....or who can help me convince him". This may or may not even be possible. If not, go back to 1st sentence & repeat.

Try telling him that while you appreciate that he wants to die at home, he's alive now and he needs better care than you can provide. Tell him you don't want to hasten the dying part by not doing the very best you can for him now.

You can get his doctor to recommend Assisted Living or managed care of some kind, that always helps an elder to understand it's a necessity. Wants have to be separated from needs as we age, and "dying at home" becomes impossible when there's enough medical conditions at play. Furthermore, dad needs to understand you're not capable of managing his care on your own at home anymore.....its killing you and that's not okay. Nobody should allow their wishes to create a burdensome situation for another, especially since you have a close relationship. Explain the truth to him and help him to understand it's too much for you AND unsafe for him to remain at home. With his doctor underlining the reality of the matter, he should agree, if he's a reasonable man. If not, the move needs to happen anyway for safety sake.

Assure him you'll visit frequently, too, and will remain his little girl for life.

Good luck!

I’m not sure that anyone can help with the “hurt” part.

The hurt is not just the move. It’s a combination of things. It’s aging, a hurting body, a hurting mind, losses of both people and profession, loss of previous loved ones. I could go on and on.

Those things will be also in your Dad’s mind, besides the move. You will hear the hurt about the move, because maybe he won’t be able to verbalize all of the other things.

YOU matter, too. When it all gets to the point that you can’t do it all, it may be time for more help, or the move.

You MUST take care of yourself, as well. Even IF you move your dad, you will still need to be healthy (and alive!) to take on the outside management of his care.

Best wishes to you!

I would start researching facilities now so that you don't have to do it in a crisis. You don't have to tell your dad you are looking if you think it will freak him out or make him angry. I'm assuming the help you are seeking is financial? If so (and hopefully you are your father's PoA) he can enter a nice facility on private pay. The optimal place should offer a continuum of care (AL, LTC, MC) so that he never has to move. Make sure they accept Medicaid recipients >> this is critical! If he runs out of money you will apply for Medicaid for him. Assuming he qualifies, he can stay where he's at and get the same care and attention, he will just most likely go into a shared room (but not always).

The Medicaid application has a "look-back" period. In IA it is currently 60 months (5 years) so...get yourself and your dad to an elder law attorney who is familiar with Medicaid and do some planning to make sure you he is managing his funds in a way that won't disqualify him (like co-mingling your funds with his, or making transactions of cash, assets or property that can be interpreted as gifting). It is a worth-while investment that will pay for itself. I hope this was the info you were seeking.

What kind of help are you looking for?