How do you refuse to be a victim of a narcissistic father? He is also the caregiver to my wheelchair bound mother with Alzheimer's.

I am not sure exactly what the answer is in your situation.

Just want to offer support, a hug and a prayer because anyone can see that you are in a miserable spot.

I certainly understand how you feel. Wishing the very best for you and your mom.

If your dad has been this way his entire life, I know that you don’t expect any positive change from him.

Yep! Keep your distance as much as possible because he is a time bomb waiting to explode.

His behavior has proven what his character is.

I am so sorry that you and your mom have endured such pain and agony. I wish that your mom had found the courage to leave him.

Long ago, divorce wasn’t common, even though people had valid reasons for divorce.

There wasn’t a lot of support. counseling wasn’t recommended either. It’s sad. Thank goodness, we have evolved and now see the benefits from counseling and divorce when it becomes necessary in order to achieve a better life.

Many women were not working outside of the home and so on. The ‘good old days’ weren’t always good, certainly not for everyone.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Take care.

Medicaid allows the splitting of assets. Moms portion would be used for her care and when spent down, Medicaid can be applied for. Dad would remain in the home and have a car. He will be given enough to live on from their combined SS and any pensions they get once Mom is on Medicaid. This way, he doesn't have the stress of caring for Mom. Have someone other than you explain this to him. Maybe see a lawyer to see how this can be done making sure he/she is well versed in Medicaid law.

Perhaps ask him what his money was intended for if not to care for himself and his wife. I know most elderly people don't really think that all that money they worked for should be used first and foremost for their care (as it was when he was still earning it), and anything left over when they're gone can go to heirs.

My dad would have had a heart attack if he'd lived to see me writing monthly checks for $9,000 for my mother's nursing home. They could well afford it, but it just wasn't something he'd envisioned. Before he died and when Mom was still home, I had to convince him to spend a big chunk of money to make their 1932 home more accessible, too. In spite of that expenditure and Mom's monthly bills, their portfolio is larger than it was before these expenses started, thanks to careful investing on my part.

Your dad is scared, not narcissistic. He's overwhelmed with your mom's care, he's elderly himself, and he doesn't have anyone to talk to now that you've banished him as a condition of coming to his house to "help."

No, he's not fun to be around, but if you empathize with him and try to understand his fears and help him through them, he might behave somewhat differently.

Your mom isn't the only one suffering here. You have an elderly man accustomed to being in control who is no longer able to control everything. I think if you make the effort to see that his ailments aren't as visible to the naked eye as your mom's, you'd see he, too, needs help. It just might need to be more subtle help that maintains his dignity of feeling in control while helping him learn how to ensure his funds won't be depleted. Try not to fight with him and build an alliance instead.

Report your concerns to the appropriate authorities. Your mother is vulnerable and needs protection from this monster.

He is of sound mind, she has stayed with an abuser for 60 years, and given those two facts there is nothing that you can do unless your mother asks you to get her out of there. At that point APS will help you to remove your Mom; of course that will require she is of sound mind also, and sticks to her wish to leave.
It sounds to me as though you are negotiating a difficult situation the best you can. You mind ask to speak to APS personally for advice, but I think sending them at this point could actually endanger your mother more.
You are right in that this will eventually certainly come to a head; your Dad sounds to be sinking mentally slowly into an abyss which, given his personality traits, could be dangerous to anyone in his general sphere.

I feel so sorry for your mom. She deserves so much better, especially in the shape she's in. Does your mom share that she is in fear of him? I know he has beat her down from years of verbal abuse, so she may be afraid to speak up. So very sad. I would call APS every day if I had to, until they have no choice but to do something. And please next time he even comes close to you in a negative manner, Call 911.

Since he is worried about the financials, has he been to an eldercare attorney to sort out those issues so he DOESN'T become impoverished?

Too bad you didn't actually call 911 when he tried to assault you...that would have been a golden opportunity to possibly bring about some positive change for your mom.

Perhaps you should consider that your father is actually sliding into dementia himself? You are assigning reasons for his deteriorating behaviors but at 83 it is more likely cognitive decline. Keep calling APS for your mom's sake. She's the main victim.

Is your father verbally abusive to your mom as well?

I like your plan to call from the driveway. Keep the car running until he leaves. If he attempts to engage in anything other than a friendly conversation, drive away.

Have you considered that your dad may be experiencing some cognitive decline himself?

You might also consider a call to Adult Protective Services; it doesn't sound like dad is capable of providing the level of care she needs.