I lost my mom to dementia last month. I was on PFL from my job. I returned to work and am being treated very differently. Am I overreacting?

I feel your loss quite deeply, along with the feeling that no one cares, as I recently went through something similar. I took a leave of absence from work several years ago to move my mom out of her house, sell her house, help care for her, etc. and no one from my job cared. But then again, it’s just a job. I was replaced when I couldn’t return within the timeframe they needed. I get it, they have a business to run. But what hurt me more through this whole process is that there were a few friends of my mom who showed up at her estate sale to go through her things and take what they wanted (when she was not there), but they were not there for her when she needed a friend when she was alone, still living in her house.

When my mom passed in August, I did not receive ONE CARD from any of her friends. I think we, as a society, need to rethink how we treat others in their times of need. We all need to keep on caring and showing others love and compassion. Too many “hurt people hurt people,” but as my counselor always says, “yes, but they don’t have to.” Would they want done to them what they did to us? Of course not! My mom was the person who sent sympathy cards, made people meals in their times of need and showed support to her friends and family! It angers me that they can’t do the same, but I hope to turn that anger into action and help other people in need moving forward.

I have received more prayers, love and light this past year from people I thought I didn’t know very well- even perfect strangers!!! During this whole ordeal my sister and I both got COVID. She almost died from it. There were people who came out of the woodwork and showed their support more than close family and friends. This whole experience has opened my eyes and heart and has me rethinking about my current tribe.

I wish you peace and healing through your grief and pray that you find people in your life you deserve and will embrace and treat you well, both at work and in your personal life!

I would feel the same especially if I had worked there a while. I have never worked anywhere where a death was not acknowledged in some way.

I have to agree that unless I am a good friend or relative I would not attend during COVID. And Mass Cards, as a Protestant I had no idea what they were until a Catholic Aunt died and a Catholic friend sent me one.

I really cannot tell you why ur being treated the way ur. But if it keeps up I may find another job. Over the 40 yrs I held down jobs, not one friendship was kept out of those jobs.

I am sorry for your loss and I am sure the last 5 months of your life have not been pleasant or easy.  I have been with the same hospital for 30 years now and yes I have "friends/acquaintances" that I work with, laugh with and spend all day with, but they are not who I would call for something personal.  It is a different relationship to me.  I guess what I am saying is that I am not expecting anything from them.  It doesn't really matter how I feel because obviously you feel differently in your situation.  If they felt "put upon" to have to do your job and theirs, I don't think anyone would say anything to you, but there may be some animosity there because of your absence.  I think if you just jump in and start doing your job as you always have, things will get back to normal and you will feel less like odd man out.

I'm sorry but I do not know what PFL is, nor what your work's standard procedures are.
As dementia doesn't have a known period in which someone is going to die it is hard to send a card which may be inappropriate, and with so many covid deaths maybe they have decided not to send cards to anyone currently.
A call from HR to see how you were doing would have been nice, but may have been seen as chasing up on you so making a choice on that is difficult from that end.
You have kept in touch with people, so it is not as though you have had no contact with them, and you have had opportunity to make it clear to anyone in particular that you would like them to attend mother's memorial. Whilst numbers are limited for these events and people are therefore not inviting themselves.
IF you consider people you work with as friends I would take your closest one aside during a break time and tell them how you are feeling. People often do not know how to behave towards a bereaved person, and whilst it is a very sad and individual time for you the pandemic is making death much more matter of fact. Friends will not mind you saying how you feel (without criticising them), work colleagues may just not be close enough to worry about the lives of those they work alongside and then go home from. If you are not close to those you work with, maybe now is a good time for a change that would also enable you to go forward in a positive way.

I'm sorry for your loss. I'm unsure you're overreacting, the grief you're experiencing could increase the sting of hurt. I don't know what the dynamics of your workplace was before you took your 5 month LOA. Has it changed since you've been gone? I think a previous poster may be right and it can be pandemic fatigue with nothing by bad news all year long. But you would think your fellow employees would have welcomed you back.

I have worked for companies (not the whole company but the department) that have sent a collective sympathy card to a fellow worker; I've worked for companies (departments that sent a sympathy/get well card and taken up a collection); I've also worked for a company that that did none of those things. Did where you work previously send sympathy cards and take up collections, if not then you shouldn't expect that now. Only one place I worked did several co-workers attend the funeral when a work colleague lost a parent, but we as a group would have get togethers and socialized often. Unless a coworker was a personal friend, I would not attend their parent's funeral. I would let them know when the returned to work that I was sorry for their loss and was glad to see them again. Do your co-workers know why you were on leave? Just food for thought.

I’m sorry for your loss, and sorry that things are not going the way that you think they should. It can be very hard to ‘get back to normal’ after the overwhelming experience of a death, and hard to grasp how little it may mean to other people at work.

I may be going against the flow here, but I do think that you may be over-reacting. The important bit for me is your comment that you are ‘being treated very differently’. In what way? How is the current treatment hurting you? Many people of our age have lost parents, and many people have been badly affected by fear, loss, poverty and loneliness in the last year. Is it possible that you are expecting special treatment that doesn’t fit well with other people, especially now?

In my experience, attending the funeral of a work colleague’s parent would be quite unusual unless there was a personal connection with the parent. I have never heard of a ‘collection’ for the work colleague, and wonder why you would expect it. Sympathy card possibly, but more likely a brief comment of personal sympathy.

If you feel that you are ‘being treated very differently’, it would be a good idea to look at your own behavior and expectations to see why they may be reacting badly.

Cindy, I’m very sorry for the loss of your Mom. I am also very sorry that your coworkers didn’t reach out and acknowledge. That would make me very sad as well. I just don’t think people know what to say and believe by saying nothing because it’s more comfortable FOR THEM, that this is better. Remember you have our support here on this forum. I hope you feel better soon. Your Mom was lucky to have a daughter like you. Sending you a hug.

It’s very hard for co-workers to take off without pay or have to use their paid time off to attend a co-workers family members funeral. I think your expectations were a little high. And I’ve never heard of taking up a collection for someone.

Sorry you had this experience.

Does your place of work usually celebrate birthdays, anniversaries, and passing of family members? If so, they probably saw your leave of absence as "permanent" and thought any farewell as the obligation. If not, the business is following their usual practice.

Did you inform your co-workers of the funeral? They might not have attended since they did not know your mom. People should remember that memorial services are for the living to find closure.

Suggest you move forward in your life at work. Also suggest you join a grief group, like GriefShare, to process your feelings and life without your mom.

Did your five month leave happen before or after your mom died? Five months is a long time, and someone had to do your work for you while you were gone.It could be there is some resentment that they had to do extra work while you were gone, combined with the stress of the pandemic for everyone. I'm not surprised that only one person attended your mother's services, everyone was told to stay home as much as they could. When my mom died, no one in my small office did any acknowledgement either, and yes, it does hurt. I am so sorry this all happened to you.

People sometimes let us down, especially if no one has ever set the standard for such behavior in the office before. Is it common for the office to send a card or take up a collection when someone loses a family member, or has it never happened before? (Don't blame them for not sending a mass card -- my husband's a devout Catholic and I never heard of one. I had to look it up.)

Some people consider their coworkers family, but some coworkers don't. I don't think you're overreacting at all for over the lack of acknowledgment, but on the other hand, people these days tend to be less likely to reach out to coworkers than they once were. It's really sad to see this happen to you, especially at this time of your life.

As others have said, surround yourself with supportive friends, and I guess you don't look to your coworkers to be more than coworkers now. That said, it would be a kindness for you to set the example for the future of organizing a card to be signed when others lose loved ones. You know now how it feels to be forgotten, and you can show your coworkers the kindness they neglected to show you.

Condolences on the loss of your mom. I know it hurts.

Cyndyn,
So sorry for your loss. 🌹

During and as it will be after the Pandemic, some people have, by necessity, turned their own thoughts to themselves. There is still quite an adjustment going on in every household, just to get by. Coworkers were likely overwhelmed.

What a nice thing to do by the one person attending your Mom's memorial service! The news and fake news were ripe with reports about when, if, what, where, we could go or not go. I thought ALL memorial services were cancelled.

If you want to bring people at work closer together, start a newsletter, and include Birthdays, anniversaries, and memorials. Authored by the coworkers, not the company. People will appreciate the gesture. imo.

No, I don't think you are overreacting at all. Hoping for a bit of kindness from your coworkers is not expecting too much, imo. I remember when my father died and I felt totally grief stricken. A woman I was very friendly with at work cut me off suddenly, like I'd developed leprosy or something, and literally never spoke to me again. That was in June of 2015 and I still remember how she hurt me with the way she acted. She likely had a reason for it, unbeknownst to me, whatever it was.

My deepest condolences over the loss of your beloved mom. I hope you're able to get some healing with time and support from a group outside of your workplace. Wishing you all the best

I'm so sorry for your loss. I was still working when my parents passed on (6years apart). I received sympathy cards from individual coworkers but no department recognitions. I did attend a grief support group which helped greatly. Try to find one in your area.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom.

I don't think you're being overly sensitive. I think you might be more the victim of "pandemic fatigue". It's been nothing but bad news after bad news, I think people start to become inured to it after a while; it almost becomes a survival tactic. Of course, that doesn't make you feel any better, but I don't think it was meant personally to hurt your feelings.

I hope you can find a good support system to help you get through the next few months as you start to navigate a new normal. I know how hard it is to lose a mom - I lost mine last October - but I can promise you that in time it will get easier. Please, if you find you need more support than you're getting, seek out a grief support group to help, they can be the angels you need to help you get through.
(((hugs)))

Cindy, I have to say I am so sorry for your loss. I work for a major hospital and was horrified to find my department didn;t even send out sympathy cards to employees. If one of the friends bought one fine,, but nothing from the department, And I started a plan to send them out. My previous employer sent flowers and the whole 9 yards. Maybe your department is the same? I also have to say I never heard of getting money donations for the family until I worked in Baltimore. Maybe this is "not a thing" in your area? Hopefully things will get better for you now that you are back to work

It's in times like these that we learn who our true friends are. It sure doesn't speak highly of your co-workers does it? I'm sorry that you've been let down by these people, when you needed them the most. I find it very sad, and no, I don't think you're overreacting. Don't worry though, you will be greatly blessed for taking such great care of your mom, when she needed you the most. You have my deepest sympathies.

Cindy, I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved mom. How blessed she was to have such a loving daughter.

Thinking of you.

I am very sorry for the loss of your mom.

I suppose that there could be several reasons why they weren’t attentive. Sometimes, people don’t know what to say. They feel awkward and decide not to say anything which is sad for you.

Or perhaps they haven’t loss anyone close to them and they don’t even understand the grief process themselves.

They may not be religious so they don’t see the importance of other’s beliefs.

The very least they could have done was to buy a sympathy card and have everyone sign it. I am sorry that they did not show common courtesy by doing this.

You can have a Mass said for the deceased at any time. I do this and many others do too. Accept that your co workers did not do it but please do it yourself.

I wish you peace during this difficult time of grief.

Know that your mom is at peace and she would want you to be at peace.

Take care. I will say a prayer for you and your mom’s soul. I will also light a candle for each of you.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom. Are you overreacting? I think sorrow and pain can make one more sensitive. Having expectations sets us up for disappointment, but to receive no acknowledgement or support is shocking and, yes, saddening. Many churches host grief support groups. They don't advertise so you'd have to do an online search or call their offices. May you have peace in your heart and healing in your spirit as you move through your grief.

Very unfortunate set of circumstances - and I wish you well. Sure hope things turn out differently for you in the near future. I can imagine how difficult this is for you. Please keep us posted on how things are going. jim, in texas